Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do — March 7, 2008

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Barbicide Looks To Expand Market With New Line of Disinfectant Wipes
Company that Makes Comb Sanitizer for Barbershops Will Include a Two-year Old ‘Newsweek’ and a Dog-eared copy of ‘Penthouse’ with Every Purchase

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Ron Paul Hints He May Drop Presidential Bid
Candidate to Hold Press Conference in Airplane Bathroom

– Ron Paul speaks to supporters

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Microsoft Offers Business News Upgrade to MS Word
Control/Dollar Sign Keystroke Combo Will Automatically Paste ‘Dollar Fell to New Lows Today’ In Document, ‘Lou Dobbs is a Xenophobic Douchebag’ Icon Expected Later This Year

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Judge Dismisses Challenge To Law Banning Online Gambling
Says She Likes Duke in Courthouse Final Four Pool

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Housing Meltdown Won’t Affect Executive Bonuses At Washington Mutual
Compensation To Be Tied to ‘Creative Excuses’ and ‘Coming Up With a Snappy Logo’

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Forbes Magazine: Gates No Longer ‘World’s Richest’
Average Joe: ‘Well, boo f**’kin hoo’

– Can still afford to eat out a couple nights a week

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White House Disappointed In Payroll Jobs Decline
‘Especially Since All of Us Are Going Need Jobs After November,’ Adds Staffer

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Democrats Use Jobs Number To Criticize Bush, Republican Policies
Claim GOP Hasn’t Done Enough to Cripple Economy; Vow to Raise Taxes, Enact Universal Health Care To Crush Economy Further

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European Union Fines Microsoft $1.3 Billion
Company Claims E-Mail Notification Must Have Been Caught in Spam Filter

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Bill Gates, “Ron Paul” photos