Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do — October 17, 2008
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Stocks Seesaw On Worse Than Expected Housing Report
Government Announces Plans to Stabilize Seesaws Across The Country, Takes 25% Ownership in All Fat Kids
New plan forces banks to lend money to fat kids for cookies
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Investment Guru Warren Buffet Says Its Time To Buy Stocks
Oracle of Omaha Adds, ‘But Only if You Can Afford to Lose a Couple of Billion Dollars Like I Can…’
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Government Doubles Home Heating Oil Giveaway to $5.1 Billion
Officials Enact ‘Ideal’ Plan Which Doubles Aid as Oil Prices Fall By Over 50% The Last Three Months
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MSNBC Headline: How Jobless Claims Give Insight Into Economy
Story of How Economy’s Worse When More People Are Out of a Job Also Serves to Depress Value of Financial Journalism Degrees
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MSNBC Headline: How Jobless Claims Give Insight Into Economy
Topic to Be Expanded into New Book ‘Economic Statistics For Complete Morons’ Which Includes Essays on ‘How Retail Sales Tell A Lot About Store Profits’ and ‘How Higher Taxes Could Impact Your Take-Home Pay’
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In Cost Cutting Move, Playboy Enterprises To Eliminate 55 Positions
Company Employees To Focus On Missionary, Cowgirl In Effort To Trim Medical Costs Associated With More Difficult Sexual Contortions
Centerfolds expected to find work as highly-paid ‘advisors’ to politicians promoting family values…
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Financial Advisor Calls Increased Purchases Of Home Safes ‘Stupid’
‘Nearly As Stupid As Listening to A Financial Advisor,’ Planner Says
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Angelina Jolie Said Looking To Adopt Baby Number Seven
Receives 875 Thousand Applications from Guys Wondering if Being ‘Immature’ Qualifies Them For Consideration
Riot control barricades needed for actress’ latest announcement
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