Should We F the Moon or Just Gently Caress It?

My fellow blogger and trusted bank-robbing assistant Bob Mackey recently vented his frustrations about Final Fantasy IV DS’ twisted idea of a challenge.

It’s an interesting read because I agree with it. As far as challenge goes, I think that Final Fantasy IV DS is mostly balanced. Mostly. Enemies are craftier, but you have a map system that rewards you for exploration. Magic spells hit harder, but you can multicast Shell and Protect. Bosses whip out twisted counters the likes of which the civilised world has never seen, but almost every single baddie is vulnerable to “Slow” (and if a boss decides to counter by casting Slow on you, get ready for the most exciting event since the unveiling of your grandfather’s headstone).

But when Final Fantasy IV DS does decide to give it to you up the bum, let me tell you, you will take it hard.

I will admit that a whiny “That’s not fair!” didn’t escape my lips until I took on the Giant of Babel’s CPU. True to the original game, the Giant is powered by a, uh, big black ball and two little black balls(!) designated as the Attack Node and Defence Node.

The original strategy involved killing the Defence Node first, since it could heal the CPU for 9999 HP. However, Final Fantasy IV DS mixed our shit up by making the Defence Node a feeble piece of garbage. In turn, it amped the power of the Attack Node considerably. One hit from the Attack Node would literally wipe out my party. I was never given a chance to even defend or cast Shell.

It turns out the attack order of the Nodes is completely random, so the “strategy” is to keep dying and retrying until you get a chance to waste a Fuma Shiryuken on the Attack Node and wipe it out. Fabulous!

Mackey mentions the frustration of slogging through the lunar core. The lunar core has always always been a big silver bitch to get through, particularly the delightful bit that throws bosses at you for random encounters. Personally, I’ve been taking on Final Fantasy IV DS’ lunar core the same way I always have: like it’s a college thesis. I slowly pillage the dragon-guarded chests. I study every enemy movement. I knock down the jerks guarding the weapons that belong to me.

Slowly but surely, the endgame is getting done. It’s something to play while I get cosy for bed and wait to get sleepy. I won’t be finishing it anytime soon, in other words.

The sheer difficulty of the enemies in the lunar core is a valid complaint, though. There is a trick to the dragons: omnicast berserk, then blink. That way the delightful lizards can’t spam Thermal Ray or Icestorm–oh wait, you missed the omnicast augment? Sucks to be you.

That, ultimately, is where Final Fantasy IV DS’ challenge drifts from “manageable” to “fuck this noise:” the augment system. Giving augments to characters who leave your party will result in better augments for your permanent characters, but there is absolutely nothing in the game that tells you as much. I discovered it through a message board thread. Furthermore, if this is your first playthrough of Final Fantasy IV, you have no idea who’s going to die.

On the other hand, I’ve heard from first-timers that Final Fantasy IV DS isn’t so difficult because they’re not carrying any pre-conceived notions of how enemies should be acting.

Matrix, go stand in the corner and think about all this. No, put your plans for Final Fantasy VI DS away. I have to talk to your father first. You have potential, but lack focus. And mercy.

(Image copyright Square-Enix)