Ten Types of Fans that are Ruining College Football

I love college football. Going to games is the best. No matter how big your HDTV at home or how good the snacks your roommate makes are, there’s no replacement for seeing a live game, being part of the crowd.

That said, I have a bone to pick with some of you.

The majority of college football fans are awesome, but there are some that just make me grit my teeth and wish I could go home. If you fall into any of the following categories, I have one plea: STOP RUINING COLLEGE FOOTBALL FOR THE REST OF US!

1. The Drunken Idiot

Who among us hasn’t tailgated, trading beers with neighbors and doing shots with everyone parked in your row? Drinking is a part of college football, and I’m not complaining about that.

What I’m complaining about is the fucking idiot who thinks its cool to black out before the game…his (or her) limbs are still functional, but it take a drunken friend on either side to help them walk to their seat. Once there, they sway against nearby fans, do stupid shit that makes the entire section look retarded, and start fights with opposing fans, the mascot, and just about everyone else who isn’t drunk as well.

Here’s a thought: why don’t you save yourself the $40 or so you paid for the ticket and just stay in the parking lot? Better yet, how about you pretend for a second that you’re a damn adult. I don’t care if college is all about partying for you – you’re an idiot and you’re ruining my football game.

2. The Boo-er

I’m a Penn State fan, which means that I’ve had to deal with Anthony Morelli as a QB the last few years. He stunk; I get it. He’s still a Penn State player though, so there’s no reason to boo him every time he runs onto the field. I can understand some groaning when a team makes and error, but whether you’re the QB or another important player on the team, hearing your own fans booing you is not going to help you play better.

If you aren’t here to support your team – your WHOLE team – go the hell home.

(Picture via Bobek at Wikipedia)

3. The Stats-Head Nerd

Thank god none of my friends fall into this category. I might have killed myself. I’ve heard people like this before, and they make me want to eat a baby. You know who I mean – the people who know all the stats and news for all the players on the field.

Trust me, I love that you’re here reading my blog. It’s pretty cool that you think some tidbit of information I give you is interesting enough to memorize. When it’s 4th and 3 and they’re going for it? That’s not the time to tell someone your fun little fact.

Seriously. Shut up. Watch the game. It really isn’t hard.

Double the trouble: when two stats-heads get together. It’s like a cock fight to see who can quote the most interesting information.

4. The Prascot

The Pretend Mascot, or Prascot as I affectionately call him, has his heart in the right place. School spirit is super cool, and it is nice to get into the game. There’s a line though, and Prascots don’t seem to know that line.

For example…the douchebag running up and down the aisles in full body paint trying to get the wave to start for the tenth time? Just sit down man. The idiot yelling “WE ARE” over and over again with only his embarrassed friend and the drunken idiot (see #1) replaying “PENN STATE” (or replace that with your school’s battle cry)? Shut the hell up. Let the mascot do his job and if you love you school that much that you just can’t hold it in, become a male cheerleader.

(picture via Joe Mabel at Wikipedia)

5. The Way-Too-Old Guy Sitting in the Student Section

You’re creepy. I don’t know how you got in, but you’re creepy, especially when you flirt with the co-ed seated next to you.

*Shudder*

I don’t care if you ARE a continuing ed student, for the record. It’s still creepy when you’re watching a game with a bunch of 21-year-olds and staring at barely-legal boobs the whole time.

6. The Bored Girl Texting her Friends

These people just piss me off. I get it – you’re not a college football fan. WHY did you come to the game, then? You’re obviously so bored that you’re playing snake on your phone, only looking up to clap when the crowd goes wild. If you don’t know what a first down is, stay in the parking lot.

The reason these people piss me off is because for many games, no matter who your team may be, tickets are hard to find. So every bored non-fan spending the game texting about hair products and boy bands could have been one legitimate fan enjoying the game instead of cooking burgers in the parking lot.

7. The Fair-Weather Fan

This one doesn’t need a lot of explaining, and I’m sure that you’ve met a few so-called “fans” like this during your life.

If you’re just jumping on the band wagon because a team is having a good year…you suck. You suck Charlie Weis’ sweaty, post-game, hairy balls. Or Bobby Bowden’s old, post-game, wrinkled balls. Whatever you prefer, I suppose.

Be a man – stick with your team through thick and thin…or don’t pretend that you are really a fan.

(Picture via UserB at Wikipedia)

8. The Un-fan

I truly don’t understand these people. I’ll just call them “un-fans” for lack of a better term. They come to the game SUPER excited, with all the logo garb and maybe even some face paint. Yet ask them, and they don’t even know the quarterback’s name or who we’re playing.

I mean, I guess there is something to be said for enjoying college football, no matter what team you’re watching, but I feel like you’re pretending to be a fan when, like with the “board girl”, a legitimate fan who’s stuck outside without a ticket could be taking your place. If you LOVE college football, but don’t cheer for or follow any team, you’re highly suspect in my book.

9. The Sitter

This probably only applies to the student section, but can also apply to other sections as well. In the student section, at least at Penn State, everyone stands during the entire game. I suspect that in other sections there is a little more sitting going on, but nevertheless, there are times in the game where you stand.

There’s always that one person who insists on sitting.

Guess what? You’re ruining things for the people standing around you. The person in front of you feels awkward because his ass is basically in your face and the person behind you can’t really stand comfortably because when you sit, your back invades his leg space.

Follow the crowd and if you don’t like standing…ever…don’t come to the game – watch it from your couch at home, fat ass.

10. Fanzilla

At the end of every football game, one of the teams loses and the other wins. I hate…HATE…ass holes who seem to take it personally. YOUR TEAM LOST. BETTER LUCK NEXT WEEK. There’s no need to punch a wall, snap at anyone talking to you, or start shit with fans of the opposing team. Re-fucking-lax.

Worse yet are the “fanzilla” who are dicks even when their team wins. Walking around like a poor sport and taunting the fans of the opposing team makes your entire school look bad.

Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!

All pictures, unless otherwise noted, at via sxc.hu.