Tennis Scandals and a Job for Don Shula

Wow, tennis has been the Britney Spears of the sports world lately.

First it was the icky-squicky case of pink-panty-wearing coach Claire Lyte bad-touching her 13-year-old pupil. (Enough hyphens there for ya?). Lyte ended up with two years and nine month in the clink.

Then we mentioned the Match-Fixing Controversy.

After that it was the Martina Hingis Snort Party Allegations.

And now we have a ghastly, toss-your-cookies (especially if your Tommy Haas) revelation ripe for Hercule Poirot: The mysterious ailment that struck German player Tommy Haas during the David Cup match on September 23 is now under investigation. It seems someone played chemistry, skull-and-crossbones style, at Haas’ expense. Was it a gift to the Russians or a Gift from the Russians? (And here’s your secret decoder ring for that pun: Das Gift is “poison” in German.)

Hmmm. . . . maybe Pats-basher Don Shula (who can kiss our Gossip on Sports asterisk, by the way) should put his busybody sleuthing skills to good use and work for the International Tennis Federation.