The (Live Action) Castlevania Movie Is Going to be Horrific

I forgot that the seriously rad bits about E3 don’t usually crop up on the first day…except when they do. Still, while there’s been a bit of portable news (Sim Animals–I’m going to make a rhino/lemur hybrid. You can’t tell me otherwise, and neither can EA), the Big Three pulled down their pants and compared reproductive organs as soon as the show started. Needless to say, since the DS and PSP are small…not much has been said about them yet.

So I’m going to talk about how the live-action Castlevania movie is going to inevitably suck the bag.

I’ve sort of given up on the hope that video game-based movies will ever be any good. Well, I still hold hope for the animated Castlevania III movie by Warren Ellis and James Jean. But if the CC2K review of Paul WS Anderson’s live-action Castlevania script is any indication of what’s in store for the movie (oh Gosh, why would I ever think script quality is indicative of a film’s quality), we may as well lash it up right now and smoke some garlic cloves with it.

Wait, no can do. In this particular adaptation of the famous video game series, Simon Belmont has no whip.

Though I said Vampire Killer is gone from this script, Simon does wield what is described as a chain whip in two instances. However, it is nondescript and in one of the occasions is wielded as an off-hand weapon. So what is Simon armed with throughout the film? A fucking sword.

Why, God?

Read the script review in its entirety and marvel at what’s essentially Bram Stoker’s Dracula II. Prepare yourself for the stunning twist at the end:

In a twist ending that I’m sure Anderson thought ingenious, we flash forward to present day Transylvania, where the once mighty castle has become a tourist attraction, apparently abandoned. But then we transition to present day Manhattan, where we learn that Simon was not quick enough to kill Dracul’a before Aurica’s (the obligatory OC and OOC love interest—Ed.) transformation was complete, and she has now inherited Dracul’a’s vampiric nature and power, constructing a new, modern Castlevania in New York to continue her wait for the return of her beloved: Simon Belmont.

Oh well, another video game movie adaptation for le rubbish bin. At least the animated Castlevania III movie will have goat fucking.

(Image copyright Konami)