The Re:Retro Top 100 Games Of All Time, No. 75: It’s Still International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Avast ye!

Thar I be, sailin’ me galleon across the Spanish Main in search of ships loaded with booty, arrr, and me scabrous First Mate did bring me a strange kind of treasure chest, that were made of a metal like which I’d never seen, not even on Ghost Island, arrr, where I lost me eye in combat with a spectral swordsman, a-harrrr.

“‘Tis an N64, Cap’n!” he thundered in between sips of grog.

“Aaaarrrr, what demons infest ye, ye cursed son of a swab?” I bellowed, but he paid no heed, the dog, instead settin’ up another strange box with a sheet o’ glass at front, and a generator to power the two, which was feat worthy of Blackbeard himself, for electricity had not yet been invented. Arrr.

And when he turned on the devil machine, I gave a cry of terror, aye, even meself, who sailed across the Forbidden Triangle and did battle there with a ferocious sea beast and lost me leg in the doin’ of it! Ahaaarrrrr! Fer a terrifyin’ demon voice howled “It’s-a me, Mario!” and then the glass on the front of the box was filled with imps and dervishes the likes of which I had never seen, aye, even on Demon Island where I lost me good right hand and gained this hook, ye scurvy dog! Caperin’ and cavortin’ they were, and mockin’ a good christian man with their devil-dances! Arrrrr! Now I be bound fer Hell after me crimes upon the high seas, but Satan hasn’t taken me upon his black vessel yet, aye, an’ I was not fer goin’ without a fight!

Me cutlass severed the mystery chest in twain and the visions ceased with a terrible boom like cannonfire. “What ye be doin’, Cap’n!” howled the sea barnacle I had once called me trusty Mate, “That cost me thirty pieces of eight on the eBay!” But I understood not his scurvy talk and slew him where he stood, then tossed him and his Satan’s works over the side fer Davy Jones!

Aaarrrr, that were my response to ‘Mario 64′. Next time, I’ll tell ye how I found the treasure of Hungry Horace, a terrible creature with a lust fer skiin’, and fer blood.