The Re:Retro Top 100 Games Of All Time, No. 79: No. ONE ZILLION More Like

Right, let’s get the title out of the way first in case I forget: Pinball Fantasies.

Almost as bad as pedophile fantasies if you ask me! But what makes it so bad?

Well, watch this video, dear reader, and then answer a simple question:

How is that supposed to be pinball?

It’s telling that the guy playing the game in the video seems to have no idea how to play pinball – and why should he? He’s never had to deal with the raw physicality of guiding an actual metal ball around a glass-topped arena, feeling the rumble of the ball through the flipper buttons, actually playing a game based on real-world physics rather than an imperfect computer simulation of them. This is a bad joke at pinball’s expense.

I have a similar problem with most sports simulators – I always want something a little extra apart from just being an ordinary footballer or ice hockey specialist or whatever – but at least when I play Fifa Whatever I can take comfort in the fact that I’ll never either play professional football or manage it. Sports games represent something I can never be skilled at in the real world.

But the real world is full of pinball! There’s absolutely no reason not to play real pinball unless you’re so frightened of real human existence that you’d rather never leave your chair at all, never mind go into a (shudder) bar or arcade! Pinball Fantasies is nothing but a pinball nightmare that leads only to true pinball being forgotten and ignored – in fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if pinball’s tragic fall from grace as an arcade-style treat was a direct result of the rise of these hideous ‘virtual pinball’ style games!

Pah! A pox on your pinball fantasies, for I would rather have pinball reality! Yar boo and sucks!