The Re:Retro Top 100 Games Of All Time, No. 88: Serial Killers Have Cool-Ass Rides

I had an opportunity to see how Chase HQ on the ST emulator and was saddened to learn that it’s one of those games which plays much better in the sweet vista of memory than it does when it’s there in front of you. Essentially, it’s Outrun with vehicular manslaughter on a massive scale.

Seriously, all the other cars on the road are evidently Ford Pintos as they blow up with nary a nudge, slowing you down but otherwise doing little damage to your superfly sports monstrosity. The only people who can afford decent cars are the criminals who are: (in rising order of CRIME)

* 1. Ralph, the Idaho Slasher (White Lotus Esprit)
* 2. Carlos, the New York armed robber (Yellow Lamborghini Countach)
* 3. Chicago pushers (White Porsche 911)
* 4. L.A kidnapper (Blue Ferrari 288 GTO)
* 5. Eastern Bloc Spy (Red Porsche 928)

That’s fresh off the wiki entry from Chase HQ, so you know it’s total fact.

Pushers are worse than serial killers? Yes of course for they are serial killers themselves only instead of a knife they use DRUGS DRUGS YES DRUGS. Actually it occurs to me that these crims are probably ranked in order of the bad-ass cars they can afford, which I guess means that kidnapping is the most lucrative crime you can commit that doesn’t involve betraying your country. I guess I can roll with that – I just hope the Eastern Bloc Spy has a ticking nuclear bomb to race against or something. Otherwise it’s a waste of a perfectly good Cold War.

There’s not really much else to say about Chase HQ, apart from the fact that it blatantly IS Outrun, right down to the road splitting in two at various junctures (only unlike Outrun there is a right and wrong path to take and if you disobey the enormous flashing arrow then you’re as good as dead). It’s got some additional banging and crashing in lieu of a winning post, but the gameplay is as simple as simple can be:

1. BEAT CLOCK

2. HAVING BEATEN CLOCK DO THIS

WHILE BEATING OTHER CLOCK

3. WATCH ARREST BEING MADE

4. FEEL ALL LIKE MIAMI VICE AND LIKE THAT

5. REPEAT UNTIL DEAD

Is it any wonder I feel betrayed by the memories that screamed at me that this was, like, rilly cool and stuff? I wish I could go back in time and unemulate this game so that my naive perception of it as being much cooler than Outrun could remain forever unsullied.