11 Satiric Definitions of Workplace Buzzwords

Do you hear that Buzz?  

by David Zinger

One of our readers, Jamie Wesson, asked a question that created some buzz:

Why has Slacker Manager avoided an expose on buzzwords in business?

To Bee

Or Not to Buzz?

Or as a manager just to create a buzz like a Bee.

That is the question.

And with a question like that, who needs an answer?

Be ignorant no more loyal readers, thanks to Jamie’s question and some gruelling research (I almost got hives), here are the real definitions of  buzzwords that are making noise in your workplace.

Change Management: Either management makes change or we change management.

Competencies: Anything above incompetence is good enough at this workplace.

Employee Engagement: What happens after two employees meet in a car in the parking lot and find out 6 weeks later that what began as two has now become three.

Social Media: The passing around of an Etch-a-Sketch at the water cooler and talking about the latest episode of 2 and 1/2 men.

Appreciative Inquiry: A person who thanks you after you ask them a question rather than saying, “what?”

Mission Statement: Mission is 1/2 of the phrase Mission Impossible…this blog post will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

Emotional Intelligence: A very astute employee who actually knows and can voice how they feel after you ask: How are you today?

Balanced Scorecard: The ability to balance a beer, a 7-iron, a pencil, a ball, and a scorecard on the 13th hole at the annual corporate golf tournament without dropping the ball or spilling the beer.

SMART goals: SMART is an acronym for Some Managers Act Really Tense when the quarterly goals are missed.

Team Building Exercise: Performing coordinated jumping jacks in the office as everyone yells out in unison, THERE IS NO I IN TEAM. (Of course there is an I in wimp and whine).

Buzzwords: Sounds made by leaders as they drone on and on at the annual corporate rah rah gathering offering platitudes rather than salary increases.