There’s A Swine Flu Pandemic

– Congress Convenes Emergency Session To Determine How To Best Exploit Crisis For Added Power, Revenue –

Congress and members of the Obama Administration both convened emergency sessions over the weekend after declaring the recent outbreak of swine flu a “pandemic.” Congressional leaders and Administration representatives met in a bipartisan effort to explore ways to use the latest “emergency” to expand governmental powers and increase taxes.

Initial proposals include anyone not in the continental U.S. at 3:00 p.m. Sunday afternoon not being allowed back into the country for 10 years and authorizing the Surgeon General to conduct on the spot body cavity searches of all citizens for no reason.

In addition, the Department of Health and Human Services will be required to approve in writing daily menus for families who have a member judged to be more than 10 pounds overweight. Violators will be fine $1200 per day for each infraction and forced to participate in 35 hours of Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.

Despite the fact swine flu cannot be caught from eating pork, hogs and pigs will now be shot on sight. Congress is scheduled to meet later in the week to discuss exempting guinea pigs and Lisa Lampinelli from the new law.

In a related story, the ending of Charlotte’s Web was judged not depressing enough and will be re-written to show the entire farm dying from swine flu and being burned after a one-week quarantine.

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Not everyone excited about Surgeon General’s expansive new powers…

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Image: eyeshotpictures on Flickr

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