Top 10 Answers to the Question, “Where is Tom Brady?”

Chuck Knoblauch isn’t the only athlete who’s gone MIA. The buzz in New England—and by “buzz” we mean “it was ‘breaking news’ on every station here for about 12 hours”—was Tom Brady’s no-show status at practice for the second day in a row.

Brady’s teammates, not to mention Coach Bill Belichick, joked around with the oh-so-curious press concerning the star quarterback’s whereabouts. Said wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth: “Bill actually brought me in his office earlier this morning and asked me if I wanted to move to quarterback, and we’re going to put in a whole new offense.”

Inspired by such wit, we’ve put together a list of the top 10 answers the New England Patriots could have (and maybe should have) said in response to the big question,

Where is Tom Brady?

1. “He’s got a ‘supporting‘ role in a new Bridget Moynahan film.”

2. “He’s kicking back for a few days with Peyton Manning. Apparently, Peyton’s feelings are hurt about not making it to the Super Bowl and brother Eli Manning just isn’t there for him the way Tom is.” 

3. “‘Tom Brady’ doesn’t exist. He’s actually a government spy, and ‘record-breaking quarterback’ was just a cover. He’s gone dark.” 

4. “He retired and moved to Brazil to start a lingerie company to rival Victoria’s Secret.”

5. “He took a job at McDonald’s instead, so listen closely next time you hear, ‘Do you want fries with that?’”

6. “He’s gone to look for Chuck Knoblauch.” 

7. “He’s ’seen too much’ in the North End of Boston and is now in the witness protection program.”

8. “He just isn’t that into football anymore.”

9. “He and Gisele Bundchen went to Los Cabos. ’Why does Tony Romo get to have all the fun?’ Brady said.”

10. “He’s busy recruiting the paparazzi to film the New York Jets‘ defense in the endzone next season. Tom feels the shutterbugs have the subtlety required for the undercover job.”