Top 5 Tasteless Michael Jackson Products

– Experts Predict Michael Jackson Merchandising Will ‘Out-Tacky’ Elvis; Top 5 Tasteless Jackson-Themed Products Forecast –

If you’ve ever been to Graceland, you know that what happens to a cultural icon after they die is way worse than anything they experienced while they were alive.

Seeing a fat Elvis perform in Las Vegas in a sequined jump-suit is one thing; seeing him immortalized wearing the outfit in a velvet painting is punishable by jail time in many civilized countries.

It’s hard to imagine what merchandising tie-ins will be forthcoming for a weirder, more troubled and more drugged-out musical legend.

But we can try…

The Top 5 Tasteless Projected Michael Jackson Product Tie-Ins

5) “Who’s Bad?” Bubble Bath For Boys — Turn bath time into fun time! Everything about Who’s Bad? Bubble Bath is designed with your child in mind — from the bottle shaped like a gloved hand to just the slightest trace of alcohol (for a cleaner, germ-free kid). Each bottle comes with a $15 million money-back coupon if you decide the product’s not right for your child. Best of all, with conditioners and aloe, Who’s Bad? promises to be gentle.

4)The “Thriller” Baby Bungee — Don’t be fooled by the “Baby” in the title, the Thriller Baby Bungee is a professional-grade bungee apparatus. The cord and sling can serve as a child harness on flat surfaces but wrap the handle around any well-secured object and you’ve got a thrill-seeker’s dream toy. You’ll be a hit at kids’ parties and at hotels all over Italy.

Order now and we’ll include a free DVD: How To Incorporate The Thriller Bungee to Help Control Your Child’s Behavior. Child psychologists have proven that idle threats carry more weight when a child is occasionally tossed off a bridge only to rebound safely into their parent’s arms a few terrifying seconds later. The Thriller Baby Bungee — made in China, for extra thrills.

3) “It’s Black, It’s White” Heavy Duty Face Cleanser and Exfoliant — It’s Black, It’s White, It’s Better than Botox! Sure, you’ve heard that claim before — probably seventy-three times today alone in banner and pop-up ads. But, unlike other exfoliants which use fine granules to smooth skin and reduce fine lines, IB/IW Exfoliant doesn’t mess around. We use industrial-grade gravel mined on the grounds of Neverland Ranch. Guaranteed to change your skin color with regular use, IB/IW will also help soften sharp-angled noses and help highlight the natural shine of your cheekbones as they protrude through your skin. Tested on animals … because human subjects screamed too much.

2) “Man in the Mirror” 50th Anniversary Michael Jackson Porcelain Mr. Potato Head — The race to be quickest to market with the most tasteless capitalization on Jackson’s death will undoubtedly come down to either Spencer Gifts or the Franklin Mint. So, don’t be surprised if you see the Michael Jackson 50th Anniversary Porcelain Mr. Potato Head advertised in this weekend’s Parade Magazine. Made of hand-painted, fire-glazed porcelain, the M.J. Mr. Potato Head features all five of Jackson’s hairdos and all 83 of his noses. Take advantage of the special 10 for the price of eight offer and you’ll be able to arrange your M.J. Potato Heads on your mantle in a retrospective of Jackson’s career from the Jackson 5 up to his anticipated comeback tour — represented by Jackson as a french fry.

1) “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” Defibrillator — Now that’s what I call Universal Health Care. Universal appeal, that is. Tapping into the singer’s immense popularity, Johnson & Johnson has announced a new bedazzled defibrillator designed for the hip and trendy EMT. Combining the expertise of the first name in medical supplies with the flair of the first name in music, the Wanna Be Startin’ Something Defibrillator is sure to turn heads from the minute you pull up to a non-breathing subject and pull off the cover of the sequined machine which is shaped like the hat Michael wore in his Smooth Criminal video.

The first 50 emergency rooms to order the Wanna Be Startin’ Something Defibrillator will have their machine personally signed by Michael’s doctor who is currently on sabbatical while he searches for a country without an extradition treaty.

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It’s a weird world when it takes 7-10 days for a reversal of credit charges to appear on your account, but you can get Michael Jackson memorial buttons before they’ve finished the autopsy…

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Image: Zuma Press

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