Visa Raises $17.9 Billion In Record IPO
Company Plans to Use Money to Buy Bank Stock, Issue Credit Cards to Pets
Visa, in a veiled attempt to validate the vicissitudes of various credit vendors, ventured into the valley of Wall Street to voluntarily tap a vein of voluminous venture capital.
The company, which will trade under the ticker symbol “V”, will also now require all executives to wear a Guy Fawkes mask during the annual shareholders meeting.
A company spokesperson was unable to explain why the company chose the Roman numeral five for its ticker symbol.
In raising the largest amount of money ever, Visa officials hope to help Americans get even further into debt by having them co-sign for credit cards for their pets and some household appliances.
“We believe every dog has a right to affordable housing,” said company vice-president Constance Noring. “And with the most extensive affiliate program in the industry, by purchasing a $375,000 dog house in Malibu your pit bull can earn points toward a free hotel stay or discounts on Hertz rent-a-cars.”
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Visa. It’s everywhere you don’t want to be in a credit crunch.
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