Ways I Don’t Want To Die — #63

– (’Cause That Would Suck) –

Plunging 60 Stories Into The Grand Canyon

People tell me the Grand Canyon is magnificent. To me, it sounds like one giant accident waiting to happen.

What? Narrow trails of crumbling rock winding around a mountain hundreds of feet above a precipitous drop? And it’s filled with bumbling tourists all jockeying to get that “perfect photo” of one of the world’s great natural wonders?

Where do I sign up for this National Lampoon vacation?

The Grand Canyon is a place to go when you want to get rid of your senile grandfather by leaving him to starve in an arid labyrinth of sedimentary rock or forcing him to climb 5,000 vertical feet to the gift store for an over-priced popsicle and a Grand Canyon paperweight.

I’ve seen pictures of the Grand Canyon so I know that when you’re standing at the top, you’re really high up.

I’m so scared of heights I won’t go out on the second-floor balcony of a Comfort Inn, and I’m guessing that’s a hundred times safer than the eroded edge of a scenic outlook at the Grand Canyon.

Although, to be fair, you probably won’t catch pink-eye or some kind of rash from the railing at the Grand Canyon.

So, no. Thank you. Crashing and burning at the bottom of the Grand Canyon is not a way I want to die … ’cause that would suck.

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A savvy traveler gets directions to the Comfort Inn from a group of local kids…

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Image: Zuma Press

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