What Is Not – A Guest Post About Thinking & Language

by Michael Michalko

The way we think determines our thoughts, and our thoughts determine the language we use. Pay attention to how your friends and colleagues talk. You will find that many speak a language of exclusion, a language about “what is not,” instead of “what is,” or “what can be.”

This is because we have been educated to speak in deficit by describing what is missing, what is excluded, what’s wrong, what is not there. We often describe things, good or bad, in terms of what the experiences are not. For example, this morning I ran into an old friend and asked him how he was feeling. He answered, “No complaints.” Now what does that mean? Does that mean he has a list of complaints taped on his bedroom wall that he reads every morning to see if he has anything to complain about?

You give an idea to your supervisor at work and you hear, “Not bad.” Does that mean every other idea you offered was bad? You suggest that you implement a new plan or idea and you hear, “It won’t hurt.” Does that mean that everything else you implemented did hurt? You want to do something and you hear “I don’t have a problem with it,” or “It certainly wouldn’t be out of the question to do that.”

How many times have you heard a friend say to you something like “Why don’t we get together on Monday?”, What’s interesting is that when someone asks another person “Why don’t we,” the receiver frequently resists with some type of a “no.” When someone says “Why don’t we..?” our first unconscious impulse is to begin to think of reasons why not to get together. The phraseology creates ambivalence. However, if you were to change the question to “How about getting together on Monday?,” or “Let’s get together on Monday?” the ambivalence disappears.

If you listen to children before they are educated in school and creative geniuses, you will discover they speak a different language, a language of inclusion, a language of “what is.” When you ask children how they feel, they’ll tell you. They’ll say “Great,” or “Awesome,” or “I’m ill.” Offer an idea to a child, and the child will reply “Great,” or “Interesting.” Suggest an idea and the child will say “Cool,” or “Let’s do it.” In the same way creative geniuses will also always frame things in a positive way.

It seems most adults have learned to phrase ideas with negatives such as no, never, don’t and not. As you read this, you’re probably thinking “I never would have thought of that,” or “Not a bad insight.” Rephrase this thought to “This is the first time I ever thought about that.” Or, “That’s an exciting insight that could explain a lot.” Notice how the rephrasing from “what is not” to “what is” affects your perception of the information. You now feel interest, curiosity, surprise and even fascination. You can feel your consciousness expand.

By changing your language and speaking patterns to about “what’s there” in a positive way–you guarantee a feeling of optimism and real output in performance. I have a friend who owns one of the most storied hotel chains in the world. I asked him what the most significant factor was for his success. He told me it is the language of the employees. They are trained to say to phrase their speech in a positive way. When someone is thanked for doing a service, the employee will always say “It’s a pleasure,” instead of saying something like, “No problem,” whenever you thank them. This training in positive language, “It’s a pleasure,” has helped make them into becoming optimistic and friendly employees, which, in turn, creates a pleasant hotel atmosphere.

Think of the times when you have found yourself at a loss for words when we try to express our sympathy to a friend who has lost a loved one. Many of us say things like, “I really don’t have the words to express my sorrow,” or “I don’t know what to say.” Suppose you change this to “It’s so difficult for me to find a way to express my sorrow,” or “It’s so difficult for me to find the words that would adequately express my deep sorrow for what you are going through.” By rephrasing into more positive terms, it does more good for you and the other person.
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Michael Michalko is an expert on creative thinking. He is the author of “Thinkertoys,” “ThinkPak,” and “Cracking Creativity.” His website is http://www.creativethinking.net