What To Get Me For My Birthday: Part 1

In Which Our Intrepid Editor Lays A Bit of Medical History On You…

There are many things you can tell people you’ve developed that make you an interesting and sought-after guest at parties.

Things like “I’ve developed a cure for baldness” or — in the event you’re already bald — “I’ve developed a large resort property.”

You can assume statements like, “I’ve developed pictures of my vacation in Cleveland” or “I developed this strange rash after sleeping with Sally” are not quite so interesting.

Unless, of course, Sally or someone she is sleeping with is at the party. In that case you will be sought after by both Sally and her current lover, but most likely for different reasons.

For some strange reason, a couple of years ago I developed allergies.

There are very few things short of a pocket protector that make you less fun at a party than an extended sneezing fit.

Afterward, there’s always that awkward, moment when some smart-ass says, “Well, I guess I’m not having any more guacamole.”

What’s weird about the whole allergy thing is that I lived for over 10 years in New York City without a problem. If you’ve ever seen the movie Resident Evil, where Milla Jovovich battles zombies after mysterious spores are released in Raccoon City, you’ve got a pretty good idea of what it’s like to take the subway in Manhattan.

Savvy New Yorkers know that if you ever see Milla running through the subway, it’s a good idea to follow her because whatever’s coming down the platform is going to be really scary.

And by scary I mean either the flesh-eating dead or an allergist that is approved by your HMO.

At my annual check-up, my family doctor came to the conclusion that I was allergic to dust, pollen and animal dander.

Or, to put that in non-medical terms — everything.

Each of these allergens has its own special problems attached to it.

Dust is a natural marvel that has baffled scientists since the Renaissance when European scientists first discovered how much of it had accumulated under the bed during the Dark Ages.

Pollen is the way plants have sex. For some reason, plants are most sexually active in the spring. Around the time plants are having orgies, those of us with allergies have red-rimmed eyes, constant sinus discharge and a large wad of moist tissue in our front pocket.

Many healthy people assume that this might be a problem when dating.

Those of us with allergies know there simply are no awkward, first-date gaps in the conversation when you can fill the time with:

Her: “Are you OK?”
Him: “Oh, sure. It’s just allergies.”
Her: “You look terrible.”
Him: “Wanna go back to my place and make out?”
Her: “Not unless you have a haz-mat suit I can wear.”

Animal dander is a problem if you are a single guy because it is a proven fact that 98% of all single women own cats. What’s worse, the women who own cats are invariably the intelligent and good-looking ones.

I figure it’s okay to go ahead and wipe my nose on my sleeve since I don’t have a chance with them, anyhow.

Desperate for anything that works, many allergy sufferers turn to holistic medicine. Holistic medicine is where you attempt to treat the whole body, not just the symptoms.

As a recent convert to holistic medicine, I have to admit to being impressed with the results. I recommend one tablet of Claritin and a six-pack of beer.

It is important to remember the beer because that’s where the holistic part comes in. The Claritin clears your sinuses and the beer makes your whole body feel good.

And, if you’re lucky, the heavily-tattooed girl with no cats may even start to look better…

Raaawr. Sexy.

Tune in tomorrow for What To Get Me For My Birthday — Part 2 and then tune in the day after that for the exciting conclusion…

Image: lyrandian on Flickr