Who doesn’t get it? Me!
David Maister nails it:
The crucial first step – taking ownership and responsibility when you feel that you are not being well understood – is a huge challenge for most of us, personally and professionally. How often have you had a disagreement with a family member, only to give up in frustration when they “just won’t listen to you” or “see your point of view?”
Yet only by taking responsibility for the effectiveness of our communications can we obtain the influence or the results that we want. We have to stop attributing blame, and start viewing the situation as a problem to be solved. We have to learn to get people to engage with us, not just take opposing sides.
I absolutely know this and what’s more, I agree. So why do I violate my own knowledge, only to be forced to re-learn this lesson on a semi-regular basis? Rhetorical question, but still…
It’s something I have been learning over and over again as well. In the seven habits, Steven Covey gives a piece of advice that has served me very well in this regard: “Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.” Often, it seems, we will not succeed in making our own points, until the other party truly believes we have herd and understood theirs.
Also I’ve been listening to an audio book, available via iTunes, called Difficult Conversations. I’m a little more than mid way through. It seems to be and well done embellishment on Covey’s advice.
Why do we keep doing things when we know better? All of us? A key part of the answer is recognizing the difference between knowledge and skill. We may know that we should do something differently, but since we don’t have the practice, we are not very artful at it. So, we then stumble a bit, and lapse back into attributing blame instead of continuing to work at our skills. It’s just EASIER to blame others than to build new capabilites!
We need to learn to agree to disagree sometimes. I’ve noticed that most of the time when I have an argument with someone I’m the one that says ok you are right and I’m wrong I’ll do it the way you say, but at the end I do everything my own way.
David answered your question with the same wisdom that teaches us to take responsibility for our own communication. I work in the academic world where most of the physicians would be so much more effective if they would implement just this one concept.
Thanks for sharing Bren and David. -Eric
Great advice! All the techniques and experience in communication, marketting, teaching and even psychology won’t give you control over the other party’s experience of your expression. You only ever truly have power over one side of the conversation–yours. We must take responsibility for what we can control if we wish to be heard and understood!