WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results

WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results

I’m posting the WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results right here live. If I’m up to it I’ll live blog clever comments any funny stuff. If nothing funny or clever appears then I outsourced the Night of Champions results posts to Mrs. Jabandgrapple.

Match #8
Triple H def. John Cena to retain the WWE Championship

John Cena has to win this one. SmackDown can’t have both titles. Nevertheless, Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s intuition leans toward Triple H bringing both titles to Friday night. I have to agree.

Michael Cole says “If you’re not excited about this one then go home.” Well, I’m not excited about this one and I’m already at home. So what should I do?

Cole characterizes Cena as HHH as fan favorites. We wonder “who exactly likes Triple H besides the McMahons?”

It’s been all posing for the opening few minutes. Now it’s turned into a brawl with Cena getting the better of the proceedings. Now it’s HHH’s turn to be in charge.

Cena hits two flying shoulder spears but dawdles instead of pouncing on Triple H. Cena goes to the top rope and straddles Hunter to the ground. Next up is a powerful body slam. But he dawdles again and HHH certainly CAN see him.

HHH’s second attempt at a Pedigree goes horribly wrong as Cena counters and tosses him out of the ring. Helmsley grabs his left knee and grimaces in pain.

Cena quickly attacks the knee so the injury isn’t “real” like Randy Orton’s broken collarbone at One Night Stand. Phew.

John Cena lands the STFU but HHH gets to the rope and forces the hold broken. HHH hits a powerful Pedigree and looks to have pinned Cena but it is not to be.

Cena hits the FU and I thought he had the pin. They’re now trading blows in the center of the ring while the crowd lustily cheers. Cena dawdles again but this time hits the Five-Knuckle Shuffle.

Cena now has him in the center of the ring and caught in the STFU. HHH is in pain. Can he get to the rope? Yes, but Cena drags him back. HHH counters with a submission hold of his own. Cena will NEVER tap out, we say. His neck is stronger than Triple H.

While in the submission hold he picks up HHH but The Game counters with a Pedigree and pins John Cena. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “Wrestling sucks!” and I can’t disagree. Eff Triple H, Eff the McMahons, Eff them all. Regardless, this was a great match.

Cena leaves the ring holding his shoulder as if he’s injured his pectoral again. We hope that isn’t true.

Match #7
Edge def. Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I say Batista wins this one and brings the #2 belt to RAW while HHH retains the #1 belt and brings in to SmackDown. Full disclosure, I want Edge and Cena to win. The winner of this match definitely will determine the winner of the next match, right?

Edge is running around trying to make Batista chase him but The Animal contains his rage, catches Edge and controls the action early on.

Edge grabs control back by slamming Batista into the ring post and then viciously kicking him out of the ring with a well-timed slide.

I know how much everyone hates Edge but he’s a really underrated wrestler. He’s clever, athletic, and entertaining. That’s the full package IMHO. My broadband connection is cutting off so much now that listening to this match is like trying to decipher the garbled dialogue of the Miami Vice movie.

Edge has been in charge for the last five minutes now and currently has Batista in a modified sleeper hold. A hold that can’t contain the Animal. No siree!

Batista rushes headlong into Edge, but the Ultimate Opportunist counters nicely and nearly pins the Animal. Batista is hurting now but manages to land a blow to Edge’s head. They’re both on the canvas now.

When they arise it’s Batista who establishes control. He hits a clothesline and a spear but somehow Edge lifts his shoulder before the three count. Edge counters a Batista Bomb attempt with a DDT but can’t close the deal.

Batista uncharacteristically goes to the top rope but Edge drops him. Vickie Guerrero is now being wheeled to the ring by the blonde tag team twins.

Batista is about to pin Edge when Vickie jumps out of her wheelchair and stops the pin. Edge knocks the referee out and Chavo Guerrero enters the ring to be the guest ref. Batista grabs Vickie and tosses her out of the ring onto Chavo and Bam Neely.

Bedlam has ensued. Edge rolls Batista while we are all distracted by a pain-soaked Vickie. He pins the Animal while Chavo provides the three count and retains the title.

Match #6
Mickie James def. Katie Lea to retain the WWE Women’s Championship

Mickie won the Championship in England, will she lose it to someone “from England”? I like Katie Lea’s costume switch from cheesy velvet to glistening purple leather. Are Mickie James’ pants made of snakeskin or is it just my poor broadband connection?

The WWE Divas just don’t hold the same cachet for me when they’re not in high definition. Mickie James pins Katie Lea after landing a gutsy DDT.

Match #5
Kofi Kingston def. Chris Jericho to win the Intercontinental Championship

Y2J is now here to “save himself from all of you.” instead of saving everyone from whatever it is he’s saving them from. His mystery challenger is Kofi Kingston. We LOOOOVVVE Kofi Kingston but we also love Y2J. This promises to be our favorite match of the night.

We can’t believe Kingston has already been given a pay-per-view slot fighting a pro wrestling legend. What a step up! Kofi brings it with some impressive leaps and a fantastic splash jump over the ropes that hits an out-of-the-ring Y2J.

Jericho has turned brawler now and is smashing Kingston against the apron. The tide has turned as the match has descended into a brawl, something Kofi is not skilled at.

Kofi isn’t ready for this leap in competition but his turn has been a lot more game than most. He just doesn’t have the ability yet to sell a long match. Kofi lands a few moves and almost pins Y2J after countering a Walls of Jericho with a Small Package.

There’s been like five 2 7/8 counts for Kingston so far. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho and Shawn Michaels rushes to the ring. He hits Lance Cade, who is standing at ringside, with Sweet Chin Music and Y2J is distracted.

Kofi takes advantage and PINS Y2J TO WIN THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE! This turn of events is unimaginable. Jabandgrapple.com is sooooo excited.

Y2J is understandably angry and attacks Shawn Michaels hitting him in his already injured eye. HBK writhes around on the ground in pain. His and Y2J’s feud will continue but fresh blood has a title. This is a welcome turn of events for the WWE.

Kingston could become a fitting heir to high-flyers like Jimmy Snuka (who amazingly never was able to win the Intercontinental Title) and Ricky Steamboat (who was the greatest Intercontinental Champ of all time).

A high-flyer should have the Intercontinental Title and we’re glad one has it now.

***

I don’t like JBL but his between match commentary on Dallas’ many sports failures is the highlight of the night. By far.

Match #4
Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes def. Hardcore Holly to win the World Tag Team Championship

DiBiase can’t win a title in his first WWE match ever, can he? We say no. But a viable feud will begin. It would be great if this were a TNA star. Wouldn’t it? DiBiase is now asking for the match to be delayed until his partner arrives in ten minutes.

DiBiase asks to fight Hardcore Holly instead of Cody Rhodes who had appeared in the center of the ring to start the fight. Rhodes then decks Holly proving himself to be DiBiase’s mystery partner. This plot twist was revealed ages ago and isn’t particular interesting. DiBiase pins Holly within a minute of the match’s start bringing the Championship to DiBiase and Rhodes.

Match #3
Triple Threat Match
Mark Henry def. Big Show and Kane to win the ECW Title.

Since Mark Henry is the only one of these three in the ECW, doesn’t that mean that he’s going to win? Just saying. And when he wins how many extra holes are they going to have to add to the belt? Will they have to waterproof it to protect it from the “World’s Strongest Man’s” sweat?

Dallas Cowboy great and Pennsylvania football hero Tony Dorsett is at ringside! Will he jump into the fray like Shawne Merriman did at One Night Stand? It’s doubtful.

Let it be known, I am so uninterested in this match that I’m going to take a break now and eat dinner. There’s something about 400+ pound behemoths that makes me hungry.

Kane and Big Show double choke slam Mark Henry, which looks pretty cool. Then they argue about who can pin the strong one.

Kane’s actually coming with it in this one. He’s jumping off the ropes and proving to be a lot more athletic then he lets on in the weekday shows. Kane suplexes Big Show from the top rope but knocks himself so silly that Mark Henry pins Kane for the ECW title. Who didn’t see this one coming?

Match #2
Matt Hardy def. Chavo Guerrero to retain the United States Championship

They can’t take this belt away from Hardy after they’ve sent him to ECW, can they? I guess this is a good match but, as my I Got the Pay-Per-View Blues post explained, nothing looks good in standard def to me.

These two have brought a good mix of technical wrestling, holds, moves, and high-flying, high-risk maneuvers. Hardy almost pins Chavo with a Side Effect and then lands a flying elbow from the top rope.

Good back and forth. Hardy goes for a high risk finisher but Chavo gets a toe hold submission move on the Hardy Boyz member. Matt touches the rope and then hits a DDT but can’t get the pin. Chavo gets another toe hold submission in but Hardy gets the rope again.

Soonafter Hardy lands a Twist of Fate and pins Chavo. Two titles up, no titles change. Yawn. JR calls the US Championship prestigious. Who is he kidding?

Match #1
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship

It was pretty much guaranteed that this stinker of a title match was going to open the Night of Champions pay-per-view.

FYI, Hornswaggle was able go on every Six Flags of Texas amusement park ride yesterday. (Mick’s joke, not mine.) Hornswaggle tries to escape to the locker room but Miz and Morrison collect him and bring him back.

Then the Irish “father and son” team to some entertaining in-ring teamwork. But that has to be their Gettysburg, their high water mark.

Are we really supposed to accept Hornswaggle as a viable wrestler? Or is beating him up some sort of bullying? This match seems to be asking us to accept both realities as Hornswaggle rotates between scoring moves against the tag team champs and being pitied by the announcers while getting beat up.

The little guy tags Finlay in and the Belfast Brawler wreaks some havoc. Finlay tries to pull off the “toss the dwarf” onto the prone competitor move but Miz and Morrison intervene, toss the dwarf themselves, and pin the poor leprechaun.

Match over. Thank heavens.