Yellow Flags: What Not to Do

Let’s call on Baltimore Ravens linebacker Bart Scott for this one.

Coach: Bart, if we’re ahead of the undefeated Patriots but then they score a touchdown to pull ahead with less than a minute to go, what’s the best thing to do?

Bart Scott: Throw a temper tantrum?

Coach: Don’t be a knucklehead! That’ll get you a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct!

Bart Scott: *&$#^@! If the zebras drop a flag on the field against me, I’m gonna chuck that banana-colored hanky right into the fifth row behind the endzone!

Coach: *slams clipboard against locker* No, no, a thousand times no! Pour some Gatorade down your shorts and chill out. Idiocy like that will land you a second 15-yard penalty. Use your head! 

Aaaaannd . . .  scene.

Cut to the game, where said conduct and penalties take place. Pan to Scott pitching a fit, and slowly fade away to a close-only-counts-in-horseshoes-and-hand-grenades Hail Mary pass (and catch) by the Ravens. The “Please, PLEASE let New England lose” broadcast booth falls silent, and within minutes, Pats 12-0 pops up on blogs and online sports networks everywhere. 

Let’s face it, New England got luckier than A-Rod that time in Toronto with his mystery blonde/strip joint companion. File Monday night’s game under “P” for “Phew! That was a close one!” or “D” for “Don Shula is having heartburn because the ‘asterisk’ Pats are still aiming for that perfect record.”

Thank goodness we greased the palms of those elves before devising our Holiday Wishlist (see below) . . .