You Want TRICKS And TIPS? I Have A Whole Book Full Of Them
Say what you want about Craig Kubey’s inability to see past a world dominated by fetishistic high-score chasing, but the man had an eye for a TRICK, also a TIP. So I plan to present to you over the next ten days a small selection of the best TRICKS, TIPS and even HINTS from a man who was destroying Retro games machines before the even were Retro (although let’s face it, in 1982 they were starting to get a bit Retro. They didn’t have the word then. They just thought they were old and rubbish. But you can’t have a blog called Re:Old And Rubbish, because people would expect it to detour slowly away from its corporate remit into some sort of philosophical battle between man and the emptiness of existence, which plainly this blog isn’t doing. Anyway, TRICKS! TIPS! HINTS! Get them while they’re ancient!)
COMBAT on the Atari 2600
Yeah, eat some TIPS, beeeeyotches. Let’s see what HOT TRICKS Mr. K can teach us. Winner’s Book of Video Games! For WINNERS! Not losers, losers! Clear your non-TIP-worthy asses out of the way of this oncoming paragraph that will shock you, rock you and glock you with the COCK FU! AW YEAH BOOOYYEEEEE!!!
Here we go:
“In all games a player who’s leading can stall out the two minute sixteen second clock by keeping away from his opponent’s shots. You can do this either by evasive driving/piloting or by hiding behind obstacles. In some of the airplane games you can actually hide inside of clouds.
Tank-Pong is much like billiards. Shoot a lot: You may hit your opponent even when you don’t expect to.”
Huh.
Well.
That’s… that’s an effed-up billiards strategy.
I paid £3.50 for this book in a Help The Aged store. I expect better than “Avoid getting shot. Also, hide behind stuff. Hey! Fire your gun! It shoots bullets which occasionally can help you score if they hit the other guy. REMEMBER TO MASTURBATE IF YOU SCORE MORE THAN 1,000 POINTS OR CALL ME AND I WILL DO IT FOR YOU, IN YOUR HOME, GRATIS. God, I love points. My entire life is based around working the memory of a battery pack that won’t even outlive Duran Duran into a configuration that will throw a sprawl of numerals and three random letters that are meant to signify me but in reality could be anybody at all onto the screen of an abandoned GORF machine in a forgotten diner in the heart of Spunkstain, Alabama. UNNNH! Just came.”
No, no, no, I’m being needlessly cruel. There are a bajillion TIPS and TRICKS in that book and soon, yes, soon I will find the TRICK that TIPS them all! You have not heard the last of me, Combat on the Atari 2600, or any other game! Ah ha ha ha!
