Your Preview of Two Weeks of Interminable Hype

With two weeks of nothing better to do, we will have two weeks of incessant talk about the upcoming Super Bowl, no matter the participants. But since there’s only four teams remaining, I have a pretty good idea what the story lines will likely be for the next fortnight. This way you can pretty much ignore the sports world for the next couple weeks. (Except, of course, this site.)

If the Patriots win, it will be like every other week at ESPN. Maybe they’ll start digging a bit deeper for hypothetical comparisions for the Patriots. (More dominant? New England Patriots or the Ottoman Empire? Is Bill Belichick greater than William the Conquerer? If Tom Brady were around thousands of years ago, would the entire world be followers of Bradyism?) Expect many a montage of past Super Bowl triumphs.

If the Pats play Green Bay, the secondary plot will be “Can Brett Favre do it?” With the special thinking man’s super-sub-plot “Is Ryan Grant the key to a Packers victory?” Expect a many of montage of Brett Favre “having fun out there.”

If the Giants are the NFC representative, prepare yourself for “Can the Giants turn their week 17 loss into a Super Bowl victory?” coupled with “Is Eli Manning a premier quarterback?” All this comes with requisite sky box shots of Peyton, Archie and all the Manning clan. Expect many a montage of Peyton Manning commercials.

If the Chargers can upset the Patriots, the main story line then shifts to the NFC. If it’s the Packers, we get a Brett Favre retrospective and a lot of talk about Norv Turner vs. Marty Schottenheimer. Expect Antonio Cromartie to be the breakout star of the fortnight, and many a montage of some of his ridiculous plays from the year. Oh, also, it is more than likely that if the Chargers win, we will still be talking about the Patriots.

If the Chargers play the Giants — ho-ho! — it’s time for a 2004 draft retrospective! Who got the better of the Rivers-Manning trade? What does Drew Brees think of all this? Is Ernie Accorsi happy with his decision? What’s Ben Roethlisberger doing right now? Expect a montage of Eli Manning looking sad while wearing a Chargers hat, then looking happy wearing a Giants hat, and then looking sad while wearing a Giants helmet, then looking excited while wearing a Giants helmet. Maybe they’ll mix a shot or two in of Philip Rivers yelling at people for no real reason.

And there you have it, the next two weeks of your life. Enjoy!