– New Pay-For-Content Site Is Modeled After Donner Party Pioneers –
Beginning this week, Newsday, the Long Island newspaper New York city commuters choose as a last resort for something to read on the way to work in the event their train station newsstand doesn’t have the NYTimes, the NYPost or a three-month-old copy of Tiger Beat, announced it is moving to a pay-for-content web model.
A spokesman for the paper described the new model, which will attempt to charge five dollars a week ($260/year?!) to customers who aren’t subscribed to the Optimum Online cable system or the newspaper, as a “pioneering …read more

– Jail Officials Become Suspicious Of Inmates’ Sudden Interest In Tennis –
Prison officials at the Orleans Parish Prison in Louisiana have served a number of warrants on people who were using tennis balls to smuggle contraband drugs to inmates by lobbing the balls over the walls of the prison.
Guards became increasingly suspicious as inmates abandoned their traditional interest in basketball and weightlifting to suddenly start training as ball boys.
Prisoners explained they had donned sport shirts with a huge Polo logo on the back and were chasing tennis balls as rehabilitation and training for jobs at next year’s U.S. Open Tennis …read more

–Stories Ripped-Off From The Day’s Headlines –
—-
Russia Refuses To Back Iran Embargo
Putin Says Sanctions Don’t Work … Better To Use Poison

“Trust me, Iranians love sushi….”
.
———————————————————————
Pepsi iPhone App Offers Guys Pick-Up Lines, Chance To Post ‘Conquests’ On Facebook
iCreep App Proves Hit With Key Stalker Demographic

Wants you to come up to the house for an energy drink and to meet Mom…
.
———————————————————————
‘It Ain’t Me … It Ain’t Me … I Ain’t No Senator’s Son’
Son of Ex-Governor Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, Abusing His Father
Oooo, they point the cannon at you…
.
———————————————————————
Model: ‘I Was Fired For Being Too Large’
And…?

“Back the hell away from my chocolate!”
.
———————————————————————
Anheuser-Busch InBev …read more

– Lawyers Admit Former CEO Did Illegal Stuff But Argue That Doesn’t Mean He Violated ‘Honest Services’ Statute; Rest of World Says, ‘Huh?’ –
The Supreme Court yesterday scheduled time on its docket to hear an appeal by former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling.
The Court will decide whether to uphold lower court rulings which convicted Skilling on 19 counts of conspiracy, securities fraud, insider trading, lying to auditors and refusing to clap for Tinkerbell.
Skilling and his lawyers are asking the Court to consider whether the “honest services” fraud statute was applied correctly, a move which should make this the fastest case …read more

– Stories Ripped Off From Today’s News –
NFL Star Accused Of Choking MTV’s Tila Tequila
Assault Marks First Time Player Tried to Perform Community Service Before Being Sentenced

On next play, cops pick up blitzing linebacker
—————————————————-
Thousands Of Fake Votes Cast In Afghanistan Election
Country Adopts U.S. Policy Of How Officials Are Elected In Illinois

“I’m Rod Blagojevich and I approved of this tactic.”
—————————————————-
Like They Did With Mortgages, Wall Street Banks Look To Securitize Life Insurance Policies
FNMA To Guarantee New Securities As Government Officials Tout Benefit That Now Just About Everyone Will Be Able To Afford to Kill Grandma
—————————————————-
Like They Did With Mortgages, Wall Street …read more

– If You Were Counting On The ‘Hope For Homeowners’ Program, You’ve Probably Already Hung Yourself From Your Foreclosed Rafters –
Hope is a good thing. I know because Andy Dufresne said so in The Shawshank Redemption.
But, there’s hope and then there’s just being ridiculous.
In the latest example the amazing gap between government estimates and anything resembling the real world, the Federal government is taking another crack at helping out people who are having problems with their mortgages.
For those keeping score at home, this marks the third time in as many years the government is concocting some Rube Goldberg-like mechanism …read more

– Says He’s Sorry For Heterosexual Fling, Insists In Future He’ll Try To Get Caught With Gay Staffer –
In an emotional private scene with fellow GOP lawmakers, Senator John Ensign made a heartfelt apology to his fellow party members for not only having an affair, but for making it a heterosexual one.
“I’m aware that the high standards of hypocrisy set by Larry Craig and Mark Foley have been compromised and for that I’m truly sorry,” said Ensign.
According to Politico.com, Senator Ensign was greeted with a round of applause from fellow Republican senators who were said to have been appreciative of …read more

– Administration Decides Best Option Is To Not Make Waves Because Then Someone Could Get Pissed Off and Start Beating People or Something–
For the past 10 days pretty much every talk show and “special report” has gushed over what a great thing it was that Iran held an election.
Initial reports of fraud and violence associated with the election were couched with disclaimers like “we heard it on Twitter but have no way of confirming if this kind of thing is actually happening” or “those could be screams of joy coming from the opposition voters.”
When videos started surfacing on …read more

‘Watchdog’ Agency Settles Civil Suit With Bernie Madoff But Biggest Pyramid Scammer in History Doesn’t Have To Admit Wrongdoing
Brilliant.
After investigating Bernie Madoff — twice! — and not finding anything wrong, even though people with even less access were able to figure out his scam and publish their findings in the Wall Street Journal, the SEC settled their civil lawsuit with Bernie Madoff yesterday with the neat little twist that Madoff didn’t have to admit to any wrongdoing.
I want to meet the judge that signed off on this deal. What was that hearing like?
Judge: “Okay…let me get …read more

– I Haven’t Been This Surprised Since I Found Out Adam Lambert Was Gay –
In the most pointless election since the polls last opened in Cuba and North Korea, with two votes in NBC is projecting Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the winner in the Iranian elections.
Al Fraken has announced he will be contesting the results.
But for now, it looks like incumbent president Ahmadinejad was elected in a turnout rife with voter fraud (gasp!).
When you have an fundamentalist ayatollah with ultimate veto power over any decisions, what did you expect? It’s possible the ruling religious clan may actually believe Ahmadinejad …read more