Usually, I use the Actual Meaning Translator to find out what athletes really mean. Today, things will be done a little differently. Instead of finding out what Brett Favre meant in his recent quotes, we’ll find out what the Green Bay Packers fans heard.
“It would be hard to pass up, I guess,” he told the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun Herald. “But three months from now, say that presents itself, I may say, you know what, I’m so glad I made that decision. I’m feel very comfortable in what I’m doing and my decision.
“Yeah, I can probably be up there doing that …read more

Pete Carroll is expected to be offered the positions of Falcons head coach, general manager, and quarterback.
Because USC terrifies me, I was excited to hear that Pete Carroll may be heading to Atlanta. But I remained suspicious; I remained wary. Why would Pete Carroll leave the comfort of USC to go to a team that recently has employed Joey Harrington. Something was fishy, and so, I put the reports through the actual meaning translator. Didn’t think the translator of actual meanings worked on things that weren’t verbatim quotes, did you? You shouldn’t doubt like that.
Southern California coach Pete Carroll is …read more

A couple days ago, Phil Jackson apparently offended gays and definitely offended humorists when he made a patently unfunny and stale joke about Brokeback Mountain and the Lakers’ penetrating style of play. (Although, this does remind me of the greatest sign in sporting events history. It may have never actually existed, but “Kobe Forces Penetration On and Off the Court” is a work of pure genius.)
So, yesteday he apologized. And brought the funny this time.
“But in retrospect, it wasn’t really funny,” Jackson said before the Lakers played Houston on Wednesday night. “When you take it out of context, it wasn’t …read more

Don Shula probably pulled a hammy backtracking from his asterisk statement. Actually, he probably pulled a hammy making the statement in the first place. Old people get hurt really easily.
“If they run the table, and they win all the games, then they are doing it within the rules of the National Football League,” Shula said. “And there shouldn’t be any asterisk to it. That would be the accomplishment that they made. It would be the best in all of sports.”
Well, that seems disingenuous.
…translating…

…translating…
“Oh crap, I made them mad. They play a lot better when they’re mad. Shit, shit, shit. …read more

Al Sharpton wants Isiah Thomas to apologize to women. Isiah Thomas doesn’t want to apologize to women. This, apparently, is his reasoning.
“You can’t say that. You can say what you didn’t say because if you say what you didn’t say, than y’all print what is said. That’s how you got me on the Bird stuff,” Thomas said. “Whenever you say something, it just twists it.”
Well, it’s time to bust out the ol’ actual meaning translator, because I’m not sure that means anything at all.
…translating…

…translating…
“Ummm….bitch?”

A Lloyd Carr press conference is usually filled with obfuscation and contempt. This of course is the man who once asked a sideline reporter “What kind of stupid question is that?” No one questions the wisdom of Lloyd Carr! But then you lose to Appalachian State, and the dynamic changes a bit. You have to start answering some questions. Things get kicked up a notch and you can’t get away with being vague and uninterested. So, here’s Coach Carr, being candid:
“What we have to do in a short time here is become a more disciplined team, a smarter team and …read more

In response to reports that Sopranos character Tim Donaghy will name 20 gambling colleagues, the NBA referees union has released this statement.
“This incident is an isolated incident and our folks are of the highest integrity and character and we’re open to sitting down with the NBA to discuss measures that help make sure that the integrity of the game is maintained. As far as I know, our folks are of the highest character. This situation has been isolated to one individual.”
As far as you know? Sounds like someone may be hiding something. Let’s take this gem through the ole’ actual-meaning …read more

The Twins are only six games out in the uber-competitive AL Central. They’re only five back in the Wild Card. Certainly, they were within striking distance — or within striking distance of striking distance. A “win-now” trade wouldn’t have been unexpected, but they honestly aren’t in a position to make a run at the Tigers and the Indians. Thusly, they dumped Luis Castillo to the Mets for some prospects. Not exactly a fire sale, but they were on the selling end, which is the end where they probably should be. But don’t tell that to Johan Santana. Johan, the Twin’s …read more

With recent events, Pacman Jones is no longer the poster boy for misbehavior in the NFL. That dubious title now belongs to Mr. Mexico. Pacman now makes it rain in relative anonymity. And so, it went slightly unnoticed that Jones is preparing for training camps as if he’ll be participating. (Not just because of Vick, it also went unnoticed because it is an incredibly boring story.) Pacman’s agent spoke yesterday.
“Now we’re optimistic that Pac will get to participate in training camp and play in preseason games,” Huyghue said. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. That’s a …read more

I’m not sure what Lance Armstrong does anymore. He doesn’t compete. I haven’t even seen him conspicuously hanging out with Matthew McConaughey recently. He probably just gets paid an exorbitant amount of money to tell people his inspiring story that they’ve heard a billion times. Lance Armstrong is living the life. And good for him. But I think he’s getting bored.
Why else would he be coming to the defense of Floyd Landis?
“The arbitrators don’t ever rule for the athletes. Quite frankly, the system is set up against the athletes. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think he did it. That’s always …read more