“It would be hard to pass up, I guess,” he told the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun Herald. “But three months from now, say that presents itself, I may say, you know what, I’m so glad I made that decision. I’m feel very comfortable in what I’m doing and my decision.

“Yeah, I can probably be up there doing that and playing, but again, I don’t know. It’s only speculating. I think the world of that team. I had a lot of fun, not only this year, but over my career.”

But if Aaron Rodgers went down with an injury?

“Aaron has fallen into a great situation,” Favre said. “And if that opportunity presented itself and they did call, it would be tempting. And I very well could be enticed do it.”

This could be quite dangerous for Mr. Rodgers.

…translating…

…translating…

Destroy Aaron Rodgers.

(Note: this command may also come from local dogs.)

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: What Packers Fans Hear Edition

Pete Carroll is expected to be offered the positions of Falcons head coach, general manager, and quarterback.

Because USC terrifies me, I was excited to hear that Pete Carroll may be heading to Atlanta. But I remained suspicious; I remained wary. Why would Pete Carroll leave the comfort of USC to go to a team that recently has employed Joey Harrington. Something was fishy, and so, I put the reports through the actual meaning translator. Didn’t think the translator of actual meanings worked on things that weren’t verbatim quotes, did you? You shouldn’t doubt like that.

Southern California coach Pete Carroll is interested in the Falcons’ head coach opening and spoke with Atlanta owner Arthur Blank via phone Wednesday, sources at the American Football Coaches Convention in Anaheim told ESPN’s Joe Schad.

Blank, who has also been searching for a general mangager (sic), was expected to offer full control of personnel decisions to Carroll, and the sources said that is what intrigues Carroll most. The coach is currently on vacation in Hawaii.

…translating…

…translating…

Pete Carroll wants a raise.

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: The Pete Carroll Sources Edition

So, yesteday he apologized. And brought the funny this time.

“But in retrospect, it wasn’t really funny,” Jackson said before the Lakers played Houston on Wednesday night. “When you take it out of context, it wasn’t funny. It was a poor attempt at humor and I deserved to be reprimanded by the NBA.”

“If I’ve offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize.”

Ah yes, this seems like a prime candidate for the Actual Meaning Translator.

…translating…

…translating…

“It is utterly ridiculous that people were offended by a Brokeback Mountain joke. There’s probably entire youtube channels dedicated to fake Brokeback Mountain trailers. There were Leno writers whose job was exclusively to write Brokeback Mountain jokes. There is nothing inherently homosexual or offensive about the term penetration. Penetration also is a part of heterosexual sex. It wasn’t an offensive joke, it was a bad (and old) joke. It wasn’t funny out of context, it wasn’t funny in context. It just wasn’t funny. So, as an apology to those who I’ve truly offended — comedians — I’m going to make an actually funny joke. If I’ve offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize. Suck on that, Stern.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Phil Jackson Edition

Don Shula probably pulled a hammy backtracking from his asterisk statement. Actually, he probably pulled a hammy making the statement in the first place. Old people get hurt really easily.

“If they run the table, and they win all the games, then they are doing it within the rules of the National Football League,” Shula said. “And there shouldn’t be any asterisk to it. That would be the accomplishment that they made. It would be the best in all of sports.”

Well, that seems disingenuous.

…translating…

…translating…

“Oh crap, I made them mad. They play a lot better when they’re mad. Shit, shit, shit. I better apologize quickly. Maybe they’ll forget.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: The Don Shula “Oh Crap, I Shouldn’t Have Done That” Edition

Al Sharpton wants Isiah Thomas to apologize to women. Isiah Thomas doesn’t want to apologize to women. This, apparently, is his reasoning.

“You can’t say that. You can say what you didn’t say because if you say what you didn’t say, than y’all print what is said. That’s how you got me on the Bird stuff,” Thomas said. “Whenever you say something, it just twists it.”

Well, it’s time to bust out the ol’ actual meaning translator, because I’m not sure that means anything at all.

…translating…

…translating…

“Ummm….bitch?”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Isiah Thomas Edition

“What we have to do in a short time here is become a more disciplined team, a smarter team and a team that executes better.”

Ok, maybe you don’t actually have to start answering questions too candidly. And it still doesn’t seem like there’s a sense of urgency. But I think I might have seen a little nugget of truth in there. Let’s translate.

…translating…

…translating…

“We should be executed.”

Now there’s the sense of urgency.

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Lloyd Carr Edition

“This incident is an isolated incident and our folks are of the highest integrity and character and we’re open to sitting down with the NBA to discuss measures that help make sure that the integrity of the game is maintained. As far as I know, our folks are of the highest character. This situation has been isolated to one individual.”

As far as you know? Sounds like someone may be hiding something. Let’s take this gem through the ole’ actual-meaning translator.

…translating…

…translating…

“Please don’t look into this anymore. It’s just Donaghy, we swear. So, you know, everyone can just stop investigating it, because it was just Donaghy. Donaghy was the only one. Quit looking at us like that, it was just Donaghy. Why don’t you believe us? C’mon guys, it was just Donaghy. Seriously.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: NBA Refs Union

The Twins ace told the Star Tribune this about management: “I’m not surprised. That’s exactly how they are. That’s why we’re never going to go beyond where we’ve gone.”He didn’t stop there, venting his frustrations at length and at one point saying “Why waste time when you’re talking about something that’s always going to be like that? It’s never going to be beyond this point. It doesn’t make any sense for me to be here, you know?”

…Translating…

…Translating…

I can’t join the Yankees until 2009? Shit.

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Johan Santana Edition

“Now we’re optimistic that Pac will get to participate in training camp and play in preseason games,” Huyghue said. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. That’s a determination the commissioner is going to make.”

Now, that seems like an oddly knowing statement from Pacman’s agent. I wonder what he really means.

(Translating…)

(Translating…)

“Once Vick gets off with a slap on the wrist, we make our appeal. Pacman’s going to be playing before you know it.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Pacman’s Agent Edition

Why else would he be coming to the defense of Floyd Landis?

“The arbitrators don’t ever rule for the athletes. Quite frankly, the system is set up against the athletes. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think he did it. That’s always been my position and still is today.”

Why would Lance align himself with the free-fall that is Floyd Landis’ reputation? Let’s ask our old friend, the actual meaning translator.

Translating…

Translating…

“I’m Lance-effing-Armstrong. No one can touch me. I’ve been accused of doping since day one. I’m teflon, mofo, nothing sticks. So you know what, ya French bastards. I’m going to do the closest thing to outright admitting I was doping. I probably even was, but what are you going to do about it, frogs? You tried, and failed like always, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys. So, as always, I will remain a sports hero, you guys will look like the whiny bitches you all. And remember, even at 50% capacity, I got balls like you wouldn’t imagine.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Lance Armstrong Edition