WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part Three

Michelle McCool def. Maryse
Brian Kendrick def. Shannon Moore
Edge and Vickie Guerrero ostensibly apologize

Segment Six
Michelle McCool is making her first defense of her Divas Title against French Canadian beauty Maryse. Maryse’s outfits get progressively provocative each week. I am not complaining.

When JR announces her name it sounds like “Maurice” and I think of an very old and very bald male Harrisburg restaurateur who is now probably deceased. Major turnoff. Then Mick Foley calls her a nasty, naughty girl and all bad images are forgotten. Before we get any more illicit zoomed images of Maryse skimpy black vinyl outfit she is caught by a debilitating Brazilian heel hook and taps out.

McCool’s first title defense is successful.

Segment Seven
Vickie is back in her wheelchair. More importantly, she has a new hairdo. OK, it’s not that important, her new straightened hair is not going to make her good looking. Not even Michael Jackson-level surgery could do that. Vickie has heard rumors about the previously mentioned Edge/Alicia Fox conversation and asks Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero what has been said. Thankfully the two man up and admit nothing. Word, bro(s).

Edge now says he want to apologize to Vickie. We will see.

Brian Kendrick in his new Leonardo DiCaprio-inspired persona (no, really) makes his way to the ring and Mrs. Jabandgrapple audibly gasps, “What (in the world) is that? Isn’t that the jacket from the Bad video?”

Yes. That’s a second Michael Jackson reference in less than 20 minutes. But she is right. Kendrick’s jacket is the most ridiculous thing known to man. One lapel is faux-tiger skin, the other fake jewel studs. The jacket’s back is ripped with three razor gashes as if it were in a battle with Wolverine.

Kendrick pins jobber Shannon Moore with ease. I’ll be the first to say that Kendrick’s relationship with his bodyguard Ezekiel is a little bit weird to me. Just saying.

After the match Vickie, Chavo and Bam discuss Edge’s apology. Vickie doesn’t seem to be that understanding. It is so on.

Segment Eight
Edge saunters down to the ring with his cocky Canadian confidence. He wants his wedding cake and he wants to eat the wedding planner too. Is he really going to apologize. As Vickie is being wheeled to the ring by Chavo a few scattered Philadelphians yell “You suck!”

Mrs. Jabandgrapple wonders, “If she’s such a cripple then why is she wearing stiletto heels?” And you thought the cake comment went too far.

Edge looks his wife in the eye and goes down on his knee to apologize. He tells her that what he’s done is horrible and understands if she can’t forgive him. He says the video didn’t show how many times he tried to say no. Mr. Jabandgrapple hears you dog. He’s been in that situation too much to even mention. Oh, regret. Oh, regret.

Edge echoes Badfinger when he says “I can’t live if living is without you” but Vickie isn’t sympathetic. She’s no Harry Nilsson. Instead she counters with, “Well guess what Mr. Edge. I reinstated the Undertaker. Sorry.”

The crowd erupts. Standing ovation. Spontaneous combustion. Live births. Loving chants. UN-der-TAK-er clap clap clap-clap-clap, UN-der-TAK-er clap clap clap-clap-clap, UN-der-TAK-re clap clap clap-clap-clap.

Edge makes some lame honeymoon proposal. Vickie says “Too bad, so sad. I have a SummerSlam opponent already set for Taker. And it’s you Edge. In a Hell in a Cell Match.” Vickie cackles, Edge cowers, we congratulate. That is a match we want to see.

WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part Two

Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
The Great Khali wins a Battle Royale against Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show

Segment Four
Edge is trying to keep things going with Alicia Fox a/k/a the Wedding Planner. But Chavo Guerrero’s bodyguard Bam Neely is lurking in the corridor listening to their conversation. He’s not going to snitch on another man, is he? No self-respecting man would ever do that but Neely does. So sad.

Stevie Richards comes out to be the next Vladimir Kozlov’s latest cannon fodder. When will Kozlov fight someone good? When will he ever get a pay-per-view gig? How many times must we watch him destroy his opponent. To be fair, Richards actually looks good until Kozlov hits a head butt to the sternum and knocks out the poor Philadelphia native. WWE bookers, please give Kozlov a feud. His domination has gone on long enough.

Segment Five
The Main Event has come early. It’s a Battle Royale with the winner to face HHH at SummerSlam. The competitors: Mr. Kennedy, the Great Khali, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, M.V.P., and Big Show. Regardless of the winner we are going to see someone new against HHH at SummerSlam. That’s a very good thing.

I want to see Mr. Kennedy win but I don’t see him emerging from a Battle Royale. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is pulling for Jeff Hardy…duh. But we both find it hard to see how Big Show could lose a Battle Royale.

Hardy’s early focus is, understandably, on M.V.P. He knocks the Anti-Dog Whisperer out of the ring with a terrific clothesline. Good riddance M.V.P. Umaga tosses Hardy out but Jeff somehow is able to grab the top rope and stay inside. Umaga doesn’t notice as he moves onto Big Show. The World’s Biggest Athlete then flips the Samoan Bulldozer out of the ring. He follows it up with a successful dismissal of Mr. Kennedy. My pick is gone. So sad.

Now there are three left: Show, Khali, and Hardy. Hardy next move is a jump off the top rope onto Big Show. Show catches him and the high flying superstar looks to be in trouble. But against all odds he finds a way to flip Show out. He continues to capitalize on his momentum and hits a Swanton Bomb on Khali.

But it’s not to be. Khali flips Hardy over the top rope and SummerSlam just got a lot less interesting.

After the match HHH enters the stage and stares down his future opponent. They stare and stare and stare and stare and stare. Considering Khali can’t actually move we think that’s an apt preview for SummerSlam. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

Tonight is the WWE 2008 Draft (see photo of Draft Horses) and it couldn’t have come at a better time. RAW and SmackDown have descended into a long period of stagnation. Every week we get the same matches, the same winners, and the same losers. Things are changing tonight with a special three hour RAW. There have been no telling spoilers regarding the event and it seems not even the wrestlers themselves no if they are changing brands or not.

We’re not going to make any predictions but we are going to make a list of ten changes we would like to see happen at the draft. Please comment below with your own thoughts or hopes. Not sure who is in which brand? The WWE.com has a fun flash game where you can move your favorite superstars from brand to brand. Just click to http://www.wwe.com/shows/raw/wwedraft2008/fantasydraft/.

1. No more JBL vs. John Cena matches. Everyone is sick of boring matches these two give us what seem to be every week. The best way to stop them would be to move JBL to ECW purgatory.
2. Stop Umaga’s descent into a high-level jobber. When exactly was the last time Umaga won? Move him to SmackDown and throw him into the Big Show-Mark Henry-Kane big man brawl.
3. Give Natalya a good rival and competitor in the SmackDown Women’s Title hunt. Who better than Beth Phoenix? She’s lost far too many times to Mickie James to still be a viable RAW entity. She moves to SmackDown and she’s back to claim her rightly throne again.
4. Give MVP his wish and let him leave SmackDown. If you send him to RAW he’ll run into the same outside rut he’s in at SmackDown. Move him to ECW and let MVP be the big fish in a small pond.
5. Move Shelton Benjamin away from ECW. He’s been the Pro Wrestling Observer’s Most Underrated wrestler for three years running now. He’s not going to be facing Kane for the ECW title anytime soon. Move him back to RAW. He’s big and strong enough to fight their top level guys -John Cena, the Randy Orton, and Triple H - and if given another chance he could up his game.
6. Let some perennial losers have a chance to lose elsewhere. I guess this is the point of the draft, actually. Shuffle Snitsky, Chuck Palumbo, and Paul London.
7. Reunite the Hardy Boyz. Bring Jeff over to SmackDown. Let the magic happen again. The rainbow-haired warrior is much better suited to Friday nights anyway.
8. More high flyers to SmackDown just in time for the return of Rey Mysterio. If Jeff Hardy is coming over why not bring Kofi Kingston and/or Evan Bourne along with him?
9. Give RAW another Big Dog. Why not Batista? he hasn’t been there since 2005 and would give Triple H or Cena a great adversary. We haven’t seen those matches in a while.
10. More rough and tumble brawlers to RAW. We like the pair of the tested Finlay and the untested Bam Neely. How that would effect Hornswaggle and La Familia would be hard to tell but it would be fun.
BONUS Send Mike Adamle away. Far, far away.

That would leave the following influx:
To RAW: Batista, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay, Bam Neely, and Chuck Palumbo
To SmackDown: Jeff Hardy, Umaga, Kofi Kingston, Beth Phoenix, and Paul London
To ECW: JBL, MVP, and Snitsky

Your thoughts or wishes? Comment below!

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Vickie Guerrero Must Be Stopped Part One

Segments and Matches covered in Part One:
MVP on the mic
Matt Hardy def. Bam Neely

How many ways did Vickie Guerrero take advantage of her situation on tonight’s SmackDown. How many horrible things did she do over the span of two hours. Let us count the ways and rate the level of badness from Bad to Really Really Really Really Bad.
Click Here for Bad Thing #7 through #11.
Click Here for Bad Thing #12 through #16.
Click Here for Bad Thing #17 through #20

Bad Thing #1) Interrupted MVP’s useless preening. “Who the hell do you think you are coming onto my show, trashing my family…I don’t need these problems from you!”
jabandgrapple.com comment: We agree with Vickie on this one. MVP was out of line talking about La Familia.
Level of Badness: Bad

Bad Thing #2) Miserable use of facial make-up.
jabandgrapple.com comment: This one is unforgivable. It makes her look as white as a ghost and even adds a few pounds and an extra chin. The accompanying photo also has really bad make-up but that’s not Vicki Guerrero. It’s Cameron Diaz at the premiere of, you guessed it, the film Very Bad Things.
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad

Read more

ECW Results and Highlights Part Two

Chavo Guerrero def. CM Punk
Tazz and Mike Adamle bring up CM Punk’s Money in the Bank and wonder why he hasn’t cashed it in yet. We’re wondering the same thing but then realize that it took Edge nearly nine months to cash in the first Money in the Bank briefcase.

We’re not getting into this match as much as we should. First we’re distracted by a Shamokin-Mount Carmel sign and wonder how a shout out to those two Pennsylvania coal towns could happen in a Colorado Springs arena. Then we focus on CM Punk’s tongue ring and wonder if that ever cause him problems or pain in the ring. It must, right?

The match returns from commercial and we’re quickly snapped back to attention when CM Punk flips Chavo high over the top rope and then falls a long way down before crashing outside the ring. As Chavo crawls back in Bam Neely pulls the rope down and Punk flies out headlong into the announcers’ desk. This match got good quick. Punk looks to be near submission after Chavo hits a neat single-leg Boston crab but bravely grabs a hold of the rope.

Read more

Image details: Coolio served by picapp.com

Results
Mike Knox def. Tommy Dreamer
Kofi Kingston def. Matt Striker
Colin Delaney def. Armando Estrada
Kane and CM Punk def. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely

ECW’s 100th show on the SciFi Network was supposed to be a celebration. Instead, this viewer just wished SciFi would have replayed one of their myriad disaster movies. Maybe even Pterodactyl: Evil is in the Air, you know the one wear rapper Coolio empties lots of ammunition into countless prehistoric flying beats. I love that one.

Instead we were blessed with continued keep-rising-to-the-top saga of the scrawny, ultimate underdog Colin Delaney who against all odds defeated ECW GM Armando Estrada and won an ECW contract. Give me a break. After winning the bout, Colin’s faux-thankful and amazed face appeared as genuine as American Idol David Archuleta while listening to the judges. Not at all. Learn how to act Colin and please go get a spray tan.

In between bouts the ECW showed top highlights from the previous 100 episodes including a really long clip of the Boogeyman spitting worms into some poor wrestlers mouth. I immediately thought “Didn’t that happen to Coolio on Fear Factor?” Coolio, SciFi, Pterodactyls.

I snapped out of it long enough to see CM Punk and Kane team up against Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely while John Morrison and The Miz whined about a wide variety of topics alongside the newly stationary Mike Adamle. CM Punk was his usual high-flying, hard-working, entertaining self. Kane did a lot standing around. I’m sure a choke slam happened. But by that point I think I had dozed off.