Michelle McCool def. Maryse
Brian Kendrick def. Shannon Moore
Edge and Vickie Guerrero ostensibly apologize

Segment Six
Michelle McCool is making her first defense of her Divas Title against French Canadian beauty Maryse. Maryse’s outfits get progressively provocative each week. I am not complaining.

When JR announces her name it sounds like “Maurice” and I think of an very old and very bald male Harrisburg restaurateur who is now probably deceased. Major turnoff. Then Mick Foley calls her a nasty, naughty girl and all bad images are forgotten. Before we get any more illicit zoomed images of Maryse skimpy black vinyl outfit she is caught by a debilitating Brazilian heel hook and taps out.

McCool’s first title defense is successful.

Segment Seven
Vickie is back in her wheelchair. More importantly, she has a new hairdo. OK, it’s not that important, her new straightened hair is not going to make her good looking. Not even Michael Jackson-level surgery could do that. Vickie has heard rumors about the previously mentioned Edge/Alicia Fox conversation and asks Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero what has been said. Thankfully the two man up and admit nothing. Word, bro(s).

Edge now says he want to apologize to Vickie. We will see.

Brian Kendrick in his new Leonardo DiCaprio-inspired persona (no, really) makes his way to the ring and Mrs. Jabandgrapple audibly gasps, “What (in the world) is that? Isn’t that the jacket from the Bad video?”

Yes. That’s a second Michael Jackson reference in less than 20 minutes. But she is right. Kendrick’s jacket is the most ridiculous thing known to man. One lapel is faux-tiger skin, the other fake jewel studs. The jacket’s back is ripped with three razor gashes as if it were in a battle with Wolverine.

Kendrick pins jobber Shannon Moore with ease. I’ll be the first to say that Kendrick’s relationship with his bodyguard Ezekiel is a little bit weird to me. Just saying.

After the match Vickie, Chavo and Bam discuss Edge’s apology. Vickie doesn’t seem to be that understanding. It is so on.

Segment Eight
Edge saunters down to the ring with his cocky Canadian confidence. He wants his wedding cake and he wants to eat the wedding planner too. Is he really going to apologize. As Vickie is being wheeled to the ring by Chavo a few scattered Philadelphians yell “You suck!”

Mrs. Jabandgrapple wonders, “If she’s such a cripple then why is she wearing stiletto heels?” And you thought the cake comment went too far.

Edge looks his wife in the eye and goes down on his knee to apologize. He tells her that what he’s done is horrible and understands if she can’t forgive him. He says the video didn’t show how many times he tried to say no. Mr. Jabandgrapple hears you dog. He’s been in that situation too much to even mention. Oh, regret. Oh, regret.

Edge echoes Badfinger when he says “I can’t live if living is without you” but Vickie isn’t sympathetic. She’s no Harry Nilsson. Instead she counters with, “Well guess what Mr. Edge. I reinstated the Undertaker. Sorry.”

The crowd erupts. Standing ovation. Spontaneous combustion. Live births. Loving chants. UN-der-TAK-er clap clap clap-clap-clap, UN-der-TAK-er clap clap clap-clap-clap, UN-der-TAK-re clap clap clap-clap-clap.

Edge makes some lame honeymoon proposal. Vickie says “Too bad, so sad. I have a SummerSlam opponent already set for Taker. And it’s you Edge. In a Hell in a Cell Match.” Vickie cackles, Edge cowers, we congratulate. That is a match we want to see.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/25 WWE SmackDown Part Three: The Undertaker Is Back!

Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
The Great Khali wins a Battle Royale against Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show

Segment Four
Edge is trying to keep things going with Alicia Fox a/k/a the Wedding Planner. But Chavo Guerrero’s bodyguard Bam Neely is lurking in the corridor listening to their conversation. He’s not going to snitch on another man, is he? No self-respecting man would ever do that but Neely does. So sad.

Stevie Richards comes out to be the next Vladimir Kozlov’s latest cannon fodder. When will Kozlov fight someone good? When will he ever get a pay-per-view gig? How many times must we watch him destroy his opponent. To be fair, Richards actually looks good until Kozlov hits a head butt to the sternum and knocks out the poor Philadelphia native. WWE bookers, please give Kozlov a feud. His domination has gone on long enough.

Segment Five
The Main Event has come early. It’s a Battle Royale with the winner to face HHH at SummerSlam. The competitors: Mr. Kennedy, the Great Khali, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, M.V.P., and Big Show. Regardless of the winner we are going to see someone new against HHH at SummerSlam. That’s a very good thing.

I want to see Mr. Kennedy win but I don’t see him emerging from a Battle Royale. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is pulling for Jeff Hardy…duh. But we both find it hard to see how Big Show could lose a Battle Royale.

Hardy’s early focus is, understandably, on M.V.P. He knocks the Anti-Dog Whisperer out of the ring with a terrific clothesline. Good riddance M.V.P. Umaga tosses Hardy out but Jeff somehow is able to grab the top rope and stay inside. Umaga doesn’t notice as he moves onto Big Show. The World’s Biggest Athlete then flips the Samoan Bulldozer out of the ring. He follows it up with a successful dismissal of Mr. Kennedy. My pick is gone. So sad.

Now there are three left: Show, Khali, and Hardy. Hardy next move is a jump off the top rope onto Big Show. Show catches him and the high flying superstar looks to be in trouble. But against all odds he finds a way to flip Show out. He continues to capitalize on his momentum and hits a Swanton Bomb on Khali.

But it’s not to be. Khali flips Hardy over the top rope and SummerSlam just got a lot less interesting.

After the match HHH enters the stage and stares down his future opponent. They stare and stare and stare and stare and stare. Considering Khali can’t actually move we think that’s an apt preview for SummerSlam. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/25 WWE SmackDown Part Two: Big Bad Battle Royale With Bad Bad Bad Ending

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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

Post from: EveryJoe

7/23 ECW Results: A Tamer ECW

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas bend frying pans
Mike Knox def. Shannon Moore
Evan Bourne def. Chavo Guerrero
The Hardy Boyz def. Miz and Morrison

Image details: On A Bender served by picapp.com

Who is excited about tonight’s Hardy Boyz versus The Miz and Morrison? Both Mr. and Mrs. JabandGrapple.com. Mr. JandG is excited to see the high flying death defying world’s greatest super tag team of all time in their maybe last match EVVVVEEERRRRR. Mrs. JandG says “whooo hoooo. this is a match for the ladies. 3 1/2 hot guys fighting. Why can’t they do this every week?”

I’d like to argue. But I can’t. So until 10:45 p.m. lets hope ECW isn’t too painful.

Looks like my hopes have been denied. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are doing their best Uri Geller impression by attempting to bend frying pans. I wish I had some more Drank!

Guess what? Mark Henry just bent a frying pan with his bare hands. It took like ten minutes. In the same time span Henry sweat enough to fill thirteen reservoirs. This is your fault Michael Hayes!!! Why did you have to insult the supposed world’s strongest man?

Tommy Dreamer just sauntered out to the center square to bend a frying pan of his own. Mrs. JandG offers “Look at his horrible fake leather pants. Do you think he’s going to catch the wolf?”

(Anybody who comments with an explanation of Mrs. JandG’s joke gets a bottle of Drank mailed to them. No questions asked.)

Dreamer hits Henry over the head with the pan thus bending it. We’ve all just wasted twenty minutes of our lives. We could have hit the F5 button approximately 1,000 times in the same time period looking for Friday’s SmackDown spoilers. In fact, we already have.

Out of nowhere Mike Adamle announces “Bow wow wow yipee yo yipee yah Shannon Moore is definitely in the house.” Too bad he’s half the size of his opponent Mike Knox who pins Moore in double time and with very little effort. Has the wedding been broken up yet? Let’s hit F5 and check the spoilers (which won’t appear here. Sorry!)

Now this is what we’re talking about. Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne. According to a recent WWE poll which asked “Who is your favorite new ECW star?” Evan Bourne garnered about 75% of the vote. He certainly received our vote. We love the jump-jump-jumping superstar.

Last week he beat Nunzio by jumping like fifty feet off the top rope. Michael Jordan eat your heart out. Tonight he defies gravity with a Shooting Star Press back flip that stuns the La Familia member. One-two-three pin. Mrs. JandG promises a part four to her epic WWE hotties column. She assures us all that Bourne will appear on that list.

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Is it 10:45 p.m. yet? Not quite. It’s 10:43 and we’re running through countless Great American Bash promos. Finally Morrison and The Miz come out. They’re tag team champs, shouldn’t they come out last out of respect? Not when the Hardy Boyz are involved. Out of nowhere Mrs. JandG announces “I love you Jeff Hardy!!!” I counter with “Who would you root for if they had to fight each other this Friday on SmackDown?” She says “That’s impossible, that would never happen.” I agree but wonder, “Do you want to place a bet? If it did happen it would surely involve wedding cake.” Mrs. JandG responds, “Shut up crazy man.” And I do. F5. F5. F5.

“WHOOO HOOOO look at Morrison’s butt!” Mrs. JandG announces to nobody, “He can sway in front of that rope for decades as far as I’m concerned.”

“But what about the match,” I retort. This is more excitement than ECW’s had in months! Double suplexes, super spears, clotheslines and the Mighty Miz. Matt finally tags his brother Jeff in and the action picks up. But then it dies down.

Until Jeff Hardy hits a Swanton Bomb onto The Miz’s face. The other team members are tagged in and chaos ensues. Jeff hits another Swanton Bomb on Morrison and his brother Matt pins the Shaman of Sexy. We so wish tag team action was more stressed. The Hardy Boyz are terrific and belong together. Somehow we are the only ones who enjoy their skills.

Au revoir tonight. Don’t forget to comment with your thoughts below.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/15 ECW: Hardy Boyz and Bending Frying Pans

Jesse and Festus def. Zach Ryder and Curt Hawkins
Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
La Familia argues
Edge and Big Show match ended prematurely

Image details: Gay Marriages Begin In Bay Area served by picapp.com

Segment Nine:
Who is more dastardly then Ryder and Hawkins? No one. They do Vickie Guerrero’s evil bidding, they’re extremely cowardly, and in this match they get themselves counted out on purpose. Why would they do that? So they end-of-the-match bell rings and Festus returns to his catatonic state. How craven? How horrible? How mean?

Their stupid tactic backfires when Jesse re-rings the bell and Festus goes crazy again. Jesse and Festus’ Of Mice and Men redux is already tired in my book. And I can’t get their Biscuits and Gravy theme song out of my mind. ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Segment Ten:
Is Stevie Richards a step-up in competition for Vladimir Kozlov? I guess. Kozlov puts Richards in a body scissors and the Russian appears to be twice as big as his Philadelphia opponent. Stevie attempts a few falls (which fail) before Kozlov puts him down with a headbutt.

Segment Eleven:
Trouble in paradise. Thankfully the boring wrestling ends and we’re back to the soap opera plot. Did I just say that? Anyway, Ryder, Hawkins, Chavo Guerrero, Edge, and Bam Neely are together and arguing.

Edge says Chavo was throwing him under the bus when talking to Vickie (TRUE). Hawkins tells Chavo he doesn’t contribute (FALSE). Edge wants ringside support from his boys. They’re not really having it. Some friends! Vickie wheels herself in and threatens axeing if A) anyone joins Edge at ringside or B) if Edge doesn’t fight Big Show.

Remind me never to get into a relationship with Vickie Guerrero. She tells Edge to take his beating like a man if, in fact, he is a man. Whoa!

Segment Twelve:
Big Show comes into the ring and we’ve got twenty minutes for a non-DQ match. Yes! Big Show introduces himself to Edge with a big slap to Edge’s chest and then proceeds to beat him senselessly outside the ring. Edge spears Big Show and they’re both down outside the ring. Vickie is sitting in the introduction area peering in with soulless conniving before wheeling down to the ringside area. Does this mean that she will fire herself?

While we were gone at commercial a kendo stick has appeared. Edge uses it on Big Show but it doesn’t work. Big Show dismantles the stairs, does some slapping and tosses Edge into the ringside crowd. Edge counters with a flying leap which fells the giant.

SYMBOLISM ALERT. Edge grabs the kendo stick and the camera angle shows the six-foot stick protruding from his midsection. The formerly-emasculated male figure now has power.

The action move back into the ring where Edge hops on Big Show’s back putting him into a sleeper hold. But the sleep doesn’t set in. Big Show does some slapping and headbutting but Edge counters Big Show’s chokeslam with a partially-realized DDT. Edge gains advantage with a kick to the crotch and a steel chair to the head. It looks like more chair damage but Big Show magically revives and chokeslams the Rated R Superstar.

It’s close to over now. A prone Edge is nearing a painful steel chair-induced hurting.

But but but but wait! Vickie Guerrero stops the match and hugs her former fiance. She feels pity for the poor guy as she strokes her hand through his luscious long blond hair. The crowd is raining vitriol on the star-crossed couple.

Vickie and Edge are now staring lovingly into each others eyes. Vickie tells him she loves him and that she’s sorry. Edge loves her too and wants her to marry him. She joyfully accepts and they exchange a gooey, rabid kiss. All this is done silenty and without microphone amplification. The only noise is the cascade of crowd dissatisfaction. We assume that the wedding is on for next week.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part Three: The Wedding Is Back On

Finlay and Hornswaggle def. The Miz and Morrison
Triple H def. Chavo Guerrero
Natalya and Maryse def. Michelle McCool and Cherry

Image details: Flavio Briatore And Elisabetta Gregoraci Wedding Ceremony served by picapp.com

Segment Six:
Will Finlay and Hornswaggle ever stop fighting The Miz and Morrison? Aren’t all four now in ECW? Mick and JR discuss Hornswaggle drinking a Guinness and I’m thinking about ending this live blog early and heading down to my local Irish Bar establishment.

Finlay lands a terrific Celtic Cross on Morrison but The Miz breaks it up. While the ref is tsk-tsking Morrison and telling him to leave the ring Finlay hits The Miz with the shillelagh knocking him out cold. Hornswaggle tags in and flops off the top rope and onto the Real World rebel pinning him one-two-three. Does this mean we’re going to have to see these four fight yet again? We’re afraid so.

***

Hold up. A local commercial for the July 29 ECW/SmackDown event in Hershey, PA says the Main Event is Triple H vs. Edge for the WWE Championship. We…are…so…there.

***
Segment Seven:
Bam Neely stares down HHH and looks like a much more impressive opponent than Chavo. In due time. In due time. Notably, Charles Robinson is back in the ring reffing the match. Apparently his Great Khali-induced head trauma wasn’t so bad after all.

Chavo is doing his best but this match is a heavyweight versus a cruiserweight. HHH hits a Spine Buster, punches Bam Neely, and follows with a Pedigree. Chavo is done. Vickie is some kind of kin. The crowd seems to love The Game. What are we missing? Speaking of cruiserweights, it’s now 9:00 p.m. and we’re about to begin the difficult dance of flipping between boxing and pro wrestling. A personal favorite, Tomasz Adamek, is fighting tonight and we have double duty.

Image details: WWE Smackdown – Sydney served by picapp.com

Segment Eight:
Michelle McCool is so pretty, Cherry not so much. Neither are a match for third generation wrestler Natalya who makes Cherry tapout with a neat sharpshooter and after the match destroys Michelle with a quick snap suplex. During the match Natalya’s partner Maryse just sort of stood around. Let it be known Maryse standing around is fine with me. Jeez Louise she’s something else.

Natalya is a good wrestler and we’d love to see her fight Beth Phoenix. If she doesn’t win the SmackDown women’s title at The Great American Bash then justice hasn’t been served.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part Two: Still No Wedding News

Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle def. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Atlas Ortiz def. Armando Estrada
Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney

Image details: Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival 2008 – Day 2 served by picapp.com

As we all know, ECW got the serious short end of the WWE Draft stick. Here’s a summary:

Wrestlers (of note) Lost: CM Punk (now WWE Heavyweight Champ); Kane; Kofi Kingston (now Intercontinental Champ); Shelton Benjamin.

Wrestlers Gained: Matt Hardy; Mark Henry; Finlay; Hornswaggle; Super Crazy.

What that means is that I’ve lost four of the seven reasons I watched ECW. The other three being The Miz, Morrison, and Evan Bourne. I’ve gained 1 1/2 reasons to tune in on Tuesday nights (Finlay and Hornswaggle). That leaves me with 4 1/2 reasons to watch which I’m pretty sure is less than seven.

In short, I’m giving this week a shot. ECW has to earn its way onto my Tuesday night schedule.

**

Segment One:
Mark Henry says he’s ECW’s savior. I wonder why I’m watching a show where Henry could be deemed a positive addition. He announces a Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney (!?!?!?) Main Event. I’m confident Tuesday’s will be all mine once again.
Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Two:
Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle vs. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
The only good ECW roster members are ALL in the match (save Evan Bourne) and we predictably get a really good match. Great back and forth action, good wrestling, and good drama.

Segment Grade: B+. Does ECW have a chance? Then again, all six of these guys drifted from brand to brand before the draft so I’m guessing I won’t have to watch ECW to see them again.

**

Segment Three:
To make up for the talent drain ECW is introducing new wrestlers. Teddy Long calls it the “Superstar Initiative.” The first is Atlas Ortiz a/k/a Atlas DaBone a/k/a Rich Young formerly of Florida Championship Wrestling. Atlas is an ex-professional footballer who spent some time on the Kansas City Chiefs practice squad, in the CFL, and in the Arena League. He’s facing Armando Estrada and we’re ready to give him a chance.

But not for long. He’s pretty lifeless in the ring. He’s quick but sluggish and not exciting at all. He’s Interesting looking but utterly uninteresting as a wrestler. Of course he beats Estrada which disappoints us. At least Armando has a personality.

Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Four:
Mark Henry beats super-dweeb Colin Delaney but the match lasts longer than expected. At one point Henry throws Delaney upwards and its a wonder Colin doesn’t hit his head on the Jumbotron. Wilford Brimley’s Liberty Medical commercial about “keeping your diabetes in check” is only slightly less exciting than that bout.

Segment Grade: D. Looks like I’m finally free from ECW and Mark Henry’s ugly mug. Thank heavens.

Image details: Mark Henry USA served by picapp.com

Post from: EveryJoe

7/01 ECW: Give Me A Reason To Love You

I’m posting the WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results right here live. If I’m up to it I’ll live blog clever comments any funny stuff. If nothing funny or clever appears then I outsourced the Night of Champions results posts to Mrs. Jabandgrapple.

Match #8
Triple H def. John Cena to retain the WWE Championship

John Cena has to win this one. SmackDown can’t have both titles. Nevertheless, Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s intuition leans toward Triple H bringing both titles to Friday night. I have to agree.

Michael Cole says “If you’re not excited about this one then go home.” Well, I’m not excited about this one and I’m already at home. So what should I do?

Cole characterizes Cena as HHH as fan favorites. We wonder “who exactly likes Triple H besides the McMahons?”

It’s been all posing for the opening few minutes. Now it’s turned into a brawl with Cena getting the better of the proceedings. Now it’s HHH’s turn to be in charge.

Cena hits two flying shoulder spears but dawdles instead of pouncing on Triple H. Cena goes to the top rope and straddles Hunter to the ground. Next up is a powerful body slam. But he dawdles again and HHH certainly CAN see him.

HHH’s second attempt at a Pedigree goes horribly wrong as Cena counters and tosses him out of the ring. Helmsley grabs his left knee and grimaces in pain.

Cena quickly attacks the knee so the injury isn’t “real” like Randy Orton’s broken collarbone at One Night Stand. Phew.

John Cena lands the STFU but HHH gets to the rope and forces the hold broken. HHH hits a powerful Pedigree and looks to have pinned Cena but it is not to be.

Cena hits the FU and I thought he had the pin. They’re now trading blows in the center of the ring while the crowd lustily cheers. Cena dawdles again but this time hits the Five-Knuckle Shuffle.

Cena now has him in the center of the ring and caught in the STFU. HHH is in pain. Can he get to the rope? Yes, but Cena drags him back. HHH counters with a submission hold of his own. Cena will NEVER tap out, we say. His neck is stronger than Triple H.

While in the submission hold he picks up HHH but The Game counters with a Pedigree and pins John Cena. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “Wrestling sucks!” and I can’t disagree. Eff Triple H, Eff the McMahons, Eff them all. Regardless, this was a great match.

Cena leaves the ring holding his shoulder as if he’s injured his pectoral again. We hope that isn’t true.

Match #7
Edge def. Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I say Batista wins this one and brings the #2 belt to RAW while HHH retains the #1 belt and brings in to SmackDown. Full disclosure, I want Edge and Cena to win. The winner of this match definitely will determine the winner of the next match, right?

Edge is running around trying to make Batista chase him but The Animal contains his rage, catches Edge and controls the action early on.

Edge grabs control back by slamming Batista into the ring post and then viciously kicking him out of the ring with a well-timed slide.

I know how much everyone hates Edge but he’s a really underrated wrestler. He’s clever, athletic, and entertaining. That’s the full package IMHO. My broadband connection is cutting off so much now that listening to this match is like trying to decipher the garbled dialogue of the Miami Vice movie.

Edge has been in charge for the last five minutes now and currently has Batista in a modified sleeper hold. A hold that can’t contain the Animal. No siree!

Batista rushes headlong into Edge, but the Ultimate Opportunist counters nicely and nearly pins the Animal. Batista is hurting now but manages to land a blow to Edge’s head. They’re both on the canvas now.

When they arise it’s Batista who establishes control. He hits a clothesline and a spear but somehow Edge lifts his shoulder before the three count. Edge counters a Batista Bomb attempt with a DDT but can’t close the deal.

Batista uncharacteristically goes to the top rope but Edge drops him. Vickie Guerrero is now being wheeled to the ring by the blonde tag team twins.

Batista is about to pin Edge when Vickie jumps out of her wheelchair and stops the pin. Edge knocks the referee out and Chavo Guerrero enters the ring to be the guest ref. Batista grabs Vickie and tosses her out of the ring onto Chavo and Bam Neely.

Bedlam has ensued. Edge rolls Batista while we are all distracted by a pain-soaked Vickie. He pins the Animal while Chavo provides the three count and retains the title.

Match #6
Mickie James def. Katie Lea to retain the WWE Women’s Championship

Mickie won the Championship in England, will she lose it to someone “from England”? I like Katie Lea’s costume switch from cheesy velvet to glistening purple leather. Are Mickie James’ pants made of snakeskin or is it just my poor broadband connection?

The WWE Divas just don’t hold the same cachet for me when they’re not in high definition. Mickie James pins Katie Lea after landing a gutsy DDT.

Match #5
Kofi Kingston def. Chris Jericho to win the Intercontinental Championship

Y2J is now here to “save himself from all of you.” instead of saving everyone from whatever it is he’s saving them from. His mystery challenger is Kofi Kingston. We LOOOOVVVE Kofi Kingston but we also love Y2J. This promises to be our favorite match of the night.

We can’t believe Kingston has already been given a pay-per-view slot fighting a pro wrestling legend. What a step up! Kofi brings it with some impressive leaps and a fantastic splash jump over the ropes that hits an out-of-the-ring Y2J.

Jericho has turned brawler now and is smashing Kingston against the apron. The tide has turned as the match has descended into a brawl, something Kofi is not skilled at.

Kofi isn’t ready for this leap in competition but his turn has been a lot more game than most. He just doesn’t have the ability yet to sell a long match. Kofi lands a few moves and almost pins Y2J after countering a Walls of Jericho with a Small Package.

There’s been like five 2 7/8 counts for Kingston so far. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho and Shawn Michaels rushes to the ring. He hits Lance Cade, who is standing at ringside, with Sweet Chin Music and Y2J is distracted.

Kofi takes advantage and PINS Y2J TO WIN THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE! This turn of events is unimaginable. Jabandgrapple.com is sooooo excited.

Y2J is understandably angry and attacks Shawn Michaels hitting him in his already injured eye. HBK writhes around on the ground in pain. His and Y2J’s feud will continue but fresh blood has a title. This is a welcome turn of events for the WWE.

Kingston could become a fitting heir to high-flyers like Jimmy Snuka (who amazingly never was able to win the Intercontinental Title) and Ricky Steamboat (who was the greatest Intercontinental Champ of all time).

A high-flyer should have the Intercontinental Title and we’re glad one has it now.

***

I don’t like JBL but his between match commentary on Dallas’ many sports failures is the highlight of the night. By far.

Match #4
Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes def. Hardcore Holly to win the World Tag Team Championship

DiBiase can’t win a title in his first WWE match ever, can he? We say no. But a viable feud will begin. It would be great if this were a TNA star. Wouldn’t it? DiBiase is now asking for the match to be delayed until his partner arrives in ten minutes.

DiBiase asks to fight Hardcore Holly instead of Cody Rhodes who had appeared in the center of the ring to start the fight. Rhodes then decks Holly proving himself to be DiBiase’s mystery partner. This plot twist was revealed ages ago and isn’t particular interesting. DiBiase pins Holly within a minute of the match’s start bringing the Championship to DiBiase and Rhodes.

Match #3
Triple Threat Match
Mark Henry def. Big Show and Kane to win the ECW Title.

Since Mark Henry is the only one of these three in the ECW, doesn’t that mean that he’s going to win? Just saying. And when he wins how many extra holes are they going to have to add to the belt? Will they have to waterproof it to protect it from the “World’s Strongest Man’s” sweat?

Dallas Cowboy great and Pennsylvania football hero Tony Dorsett is at ringside! Will he jump into the fray like Shawne Merriman did at One Night Stand? It’s doubtful.

Let it be known, I am so uninterested in this match that I’m going to take a break now and eat dinner. There’s something about 400+ pound behemoths that makes me hungry.

Kane and Big Show double choke slam Mark Henry, which looks pretty cool. Then they argue about who can pin the strong one.

Kane’s actually coming with it in this one. He’s jumping off the ropes and proving to be a lot more athletic then he lets on in the weekday shows. Kane suplexes Big Show from the top rope but knocks himself so silly that Mark Henry pins Kane for the ECW title. Who didn’t see this one coming?

Match #2
Matt Hardy def. Chavo Guerrero to retain the United States Championship

They can’t take this belt away from Hardy after they’ve sent him to ECW, can they? I guess this is a good match but, as my I Got the Pay-Per-View Blues post explained, nothing looks good in standard def to me.

These two have brought a good mix of technical wrestling, holds, moves, and high-flying, high-risk maneuvers. Hardy almost pins Chavo with a Side Effect and then lands a flying elbow from the top rope.

Good back and forth. Hardy goes for a high risk finisher but Chavo gets a toe hold submission move on the Hardy Boyz member. Matt touches the rope and then hits a DDT but can’t get the pin. Chavo gets another toe hold submission in but Hardy gets the rope again.

Soonafter Hardy lands a Twist of Fate and pins Chavo. Two titles up, no titles change. Yawn. JR calls the US Championship prestigious. Who is he kidding?

Match #1
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship

It was pretty much guaranteed that this stinker of a title match was going to open the Night of Champions pay-per-view.

FYI, Hornswaggle was able go on every Six Flags of Texas amusement park ride yesterday. (Mick’s joke, not mine.) Hornswaggle tries to escape to the locker room but Miz and Morrison collect him and bring him back.

Then the Irish “father and son” team to some entertaining in-ring teamwork. But that has to be their Gettysburg, their high water mark.

Are we really supposed to accept Hornswaggle as a viable wrestler? Or is beating him up some sort of bullying? This match seems to be asking us to accept both realities as Hornswaggle rotates between scoring moves against the tag team champs and being pitied by the announcers while getting beat up.

The little guy tags Finlay in and the Belfast Brawler wreaks some havoc. Finlay tries to pull off the “toss the dwarf” onto the prone competitor move but Miz and Morrison intervene, toss the dwarf themselves, and pin the poor leprechaun.

Match over. Thank heavens.

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results

Segments and Matches covered in Part Four:
Chavo Guerrero def. Batista

How many ways did Vickie Guerrero take advantage of her situation on tonight’s SmackDown. How many horrible things did she do over the span of two hours. Let us count the ways and rate the level of badness from Bad to Really Really Really Really Bad.
Click here for Bad Things #1 through #6.
Click Here for Bad Thing #7 through #11.
Click Here for Bad Thing #12 through #16

Bad Thing #17) Before the night’s main event Vickie wheels herself out wearing horrific pink lipstick. (see photo. OK, that not Vickie, it’s Britney Spears but it’s bad lipstick nonetheless.)
jabandgrapple.com comment: It’s bad enough having to listen to her cackling voice. Somehow her makeup choices are now making it equally difficult to look at her.
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad

Bad Thing #18) Charles Robinson was supposed to be the main event referee but we’ve been told he’s now seeking medical help. In his place, Vickie names Edge as the guest referee for the Chavo Guerrero vs. Batista match
jabandgrapple.com comment: This horrible decision proves Vicki is out of control and power hungry. It also means that the main event will include no actual wrestling.
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad

Bad Thing #19) Vickie claps smugly after Edge DQs Batista for being outside the ring for too long (which he wasn’t).
jabandgrapple.com comment: I actually enjoyed this match and the amping up of the Batista-La Familia feud.
Level of Badness: Really Bad

Bad Thing #20) Lastly, and most egregiously, Vickie is still in her wheelchair.
jabandgrapple.com comment: Nothing angers us more than this. Walk, lady, walk!
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Really Bad

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

Vickie Guerrero Must Be Stopped Part Four

Segments and Matches covered in Part Three:
Great Khali def. Charles Robinson
Jesse and Festus def. Deuce and Domino
Finlay def. The Miz

How many ways did Vickie Guerrero take advantage of her situation on tonight’s SmackDown. How many horrible things did she do over the span of two hours. Let us count the ways and rate the level of badness from Bad to Really Really Really Really Bad.
Click here for Bad Things #1 through #6.
Click Here for Bad Thing #7 through #11.
Click Here for Bad Thing #17 through #20

Bad Thing #12) She chooses The Great Khali to fight Charles Robinson!
jabandgrapple.com comment: Charles Robinson is half Khali’s size but, probably, twice as good a technical wrestler even without any experience. If Robinson just starts running around the ring Khali might actually trip and fall trying to catch him. It’s worth a shot. If not Robinson might want to check the below chart. It’s for serious head trauma injuries.
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad. As Mick Foley said “(this match) is a perfect example of Vickie Guerrero’s vindictiveness.” Can it get any worse?

Bad Thing #13) Robinson tries to run away but Vickie Guerrero has sent Hawkins and Ryder to keep him in the ring.
jabandgrapple.com comment: This is Vindictive Vickie at her worst. Or is it?
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad.

Bad Thing #14) Vickie has evidently instructed the Great Khali to punish and seriously injure Robinson. It just got worse. The match is ended after Khali nearly crushes Robinson’s head between his gargantuan palms.
jabandgrapple.com comment: Robinson might never be the same again. We want Vickie to have to fight Great Khali. Right now!
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Really Bad.

Bad Thing #15) Jesse and Festus vs. Deuce and Domino
jabandgrapple.com comment: Before the fight can even happen Deuce and Domino attack each other. Couldn’t they have settled this before the match.
Level of Badness: Really Really Bad but probably not Vickie’s fault.

Bad Thing #16) Finlay vs. The Miz while Morrison continuously calls Hornswaggle a toad.
jabandgrapple.com comment: I enjoy these guys but their Night of Champions tag team match seems like a bad idea.
Level of Badness: Really Good but this has nothing to do with Vickie, it’s an ECW matchup.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

Vickie Guerrero Must Be Stopped Part Three