Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/25/08

Dear Jabandgrapple.com readers. Chances are next week’s wrestler rankings will be funnier, better written, provide smarter, crisper analysis, might include someone other than WWE wrestlers, and won’t show extreme prejudice towards Mark Henry, JBL, and Kane.

That’s right, this is Mr. Jabandgrapple’s last post. That doesn’t mean there won’t be another Mr. Jabandgrapple just like there was another Ultimate Warrior, another Kane, and another Undertaker. What’s that? There was only one Ultimate Warrior, one true Kane, and one true Undertaker.

That’s besides the point. Just goes to prove that the next Mr. Jabandgrapple will be a more learned wrestling fan. Am I off to a lucrative column at Pro Wrestling Illustrated? A WWE writing gig alongside Freddy Prinze, Jr. in Stamford, Connecticut? Sideline speech and interview writer for Eve Torres? Exclusive publicist for Shannon Briggs?

Let’s just say I’m off to parts unknown. Without further ado, here’s my last WWE wrestler rankings.

1. Undertaker (LW: 1)
Taker’s to-do list:
Sunday: Edge sent to h-e double hockey sticks. Check.
Friday: Steal Vickie Guerrero’s soul. Sorta check. He said he was going to do it. Didn’t exactly see the aura sucked out of her body. Perhaps because SmackDown was again pre-empted by exhibition football and all I got was the standard-def feed. Taker is back and he’s on fire! Although presumably not as on fire as Edge.

2. Batista (LW: 2)
The Animal still holds the 1-0 edge over his former Tag Team Champion partner but his work on RAW - hobbling to victory over Paul Birchill - certainly doesn’t carry the same weight as Cena’s effort last Monday…

3. John Cena (LW: 5)
Hustle, loyalty and respect brought a handicap match victory over the reigning tag team. It’s only right then that Cena should be named Tag Team champion all by himself. We’re still surprised that Mick Foley never teamed with one of his many personas to win a Tag title. What’s that?

(Official voice: This is a WWE ranking and Mick Foley has nothing to do with the WWE. Cease and desist in mentioning the king of the hell in the cell.)

Let’s move on.

4. Y2J (LW: 10)
Our personal savior (who no longer is in the saving business) Chris Jericho joined the growing list of WWE superstars who’ve defeated the supposed RAW title holder, CM Punk, during his ignominious reign. Shouldn’t that then make him the World Heavyweight Champion just as Cena should be the tag team champ? That would make too much sense.

What also is inexplicable? Why did the WWE replay the Y2J-punching-Shawn Michaels’-wife saga on all three shows? Doesn’t matter, I loved it all three times.

5. HHH (LW: 3)
The King of Kings was just sort of there this week only slightly assisting our next entrant in his match…

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 6)
The now-braided rainbow-haired warrior defeated the Great Khali in the biggest mismatch between athlete and non-athlete since nearly every Olympic boxing match. Somehow in those bouts the non-athlete always won. Shows you why I love pro wrestling.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 7)
It is STILL so unfair that Kofi lost his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back on tonight’s RAW. Of course we said the same thing last week.

8. Edge (LW: 4)
When will he emerge from Hades? If not this Friday then I’m dropping him off this list. But you won’t be here next week. Arrggghh.

9. Shelton Benjamin (LW: NR)
Beat Finlay in a very long match on SmackDown. I keep forgetting that Finlay has a title belt, namely the U.S. Championship. Yet another reason why next weeks ratings will be smarter.

10. The Miz (LW: NR)
Because I like him. That’s why. Because I love reality TV. That’s right I said it. Because the only show on television almost as good as wrestling is the Road Rules/Real World Challenge. And The Miz was a stellar performer on that show.

Dropped Out: CM Punk, Vladimir Kozlov

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/18/08

1. Undertaker (LW: 10)
He’s baaaaaaaaaack and he’s sending people to h-e double hockey sticks. We really didn’t realize how much we missed the Undead Superstar until his epic SummerSlam Hell in a Cell match. Amazing stuff in what might go down as an all-time great pro wrestling match.

2. Batista (LW: 1)
His match versus John Cena wasn’t the highlight of SummerSlam but hopefully we will see these two titans square off again.

3. Triple H (LW: 4)
He beat The Great Khali. Yawn. Let’s see him start feuding with Edge or Taker. The pedigreed one won’t stand a chance.

4. Edge (LW: 3)
Did Edge solidify his place in the WWE Hall of Fame with yet another ridiculously good headline match? We think so. Can’t wait to see what’s up next for the Rated R Superstar.

5. John Cena (LW: 2)
The crowd is beginning to turn against everybody’s all-American. How long before Cena turns heel? Hopefully soon.

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 9)
Sure he lost at SummerSlam but only because of Shelton Benjamin’s interference. Hardy has been terrific as of late and the untrue rumors of his broken neck have only added to his legend.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 5)
So unfair that Kofi could lose his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back tonight on RAW.

8. CM Punk (LW: NR)
He won. Double yawn. A pin versus JBL means NOTHING. CM Punk still has a lot to prove in our book.

9. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: 8)
Maybe he’ll get a match in the next pay-per-view. We’re not holding our breath.

10. Y2J (LW: 7)
Overshadowed again by Shawn Michaels. Y2J’s star is falling and it’s falling fast.
Dropped Out: The Great Khali

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/11/08

Monday night’s RAW and Tuesday’s ECW didn’t exactly bring us a lot of action while Friday night’s SmackDown was preempted in Mr. Jabandgrapple’s hometown by an Eagles vs. Steelers pre-season match-up. And while my DVR wasn’t intuitive enough to tape the delayed broadcast I was able to get a hold of the matches.

1. Batista (LW: 3)
The Animal channeled his ample anger and pinned Ted DiBiase, Jr. to become a half of an unlikely WWE Tag Team Champion pairing.

2. John Cena (LW: 2)
The other half of the new belt holders. We can’t wait for the newly allied SummerSlam matchup.

3. Edge (LW: 1)
At some point he’s going to have to wrestler, right? Still, flipping Vickie Guerrero out of her wheelchair is something we’ve wanted to see forever. And the Rated-R Superstar definitely seems to have his mojo back.

4. Triple H (LW: 4)
Good mic work and some clever insults towards the Great Khali and his manager “Funyon”. HHH had the arm wrestling match won and Khali resorted to some dastardly tactics.

5. Kofi Kingston (LW: 6)
The high flying superstar just keeps getting better. We really enjoyed his dismantling of Paul Birchill. Let’s hope that feud is over. It’s gotten way too one-sided.

6. The Great Khali (LW: 8)
As much as it pains me to move Khali to #6 he did put a hurting on HHH and that doesn’t happen often. We always feel a little bad for him after hearing the rumor that he doesn’t have much time left in the WWE because of his degenerating knees.

7. Y2J (LW: 4)
Chris Jericho gets a lot less interesting without Shawn Michaels as a foil. How could I place him above JBL who actually made the pin in the JBL-Y2J handicap match against CM Punk? Because Y2J did all the damage on Punk and because I hate JBL. Simple as that.

8. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: NR)
So it’s not just us who wants Kozlov to face better competition. Vladimir is sick of beating up jobbers too. Last week he got Jesse and Festus who are a serviceable duo. Kozlov got the job done and makes his first appearance in the JandG rankings.

9. Jeff Hardy (LW: NR)
The rainbow-haired warrior is also making his first JandG ranking appearance. And not a moment too soon. He’s been beating up on the competition only to be foiled by MVP’s interference. It’s time to hurt MVP at SummerSlam and we can’t wait for that eventuality.

10. The Undertaker (LW: NR)
Black roses, splayed out La Familia members, fear everywhere. He’s baaa-aackkkk!

Dropped Out: Mr Kennedy (get well soon!), Matt Hardy, and CM Punk

RAW Results and Commentary

JBL pins CM Punk and will fight for the Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam.
Shawn Michaels might quit wrestling to be with his family.

Segment Five
After Layla inexplicably writhes around seductively for a few minutes William Regal rudely interrupts her. Before he can tell us how he’s King Jamie Noble rushes into the ring to attack him and win Layla’s love. Regal is about twice his size. What was the point of that?

Segment Six
The next match is the CM Punk - JBL - Y2J handicap match “(Mike) Adamle Original.” Shouldn’t the World Heavyweight champ be headlining Monday Night RAW? Adamle adds a nice twist to the match by limiting the match to ten minutes. If there’s no pin in ten then the three will fight a Triple Threat at SummerSlam. Anything to make JBL less boring and harder working is fine by me.

After JBL beats Punk up for two minutes Y2J tosses JBL into the stairs and has his own few minutes to thrash the champ. The match has currently gone four minutes without Punk landing one successful attacking move. Y2J hits a flying elbow. Match is half-way through. Punk still hasn’t done anything.

He finally hits two offensive moves but at that point JBL stops his short period of success. Punk has no capitalized on his opponents’ in-fighting. He’s now doing pretty well and is using the two against each other. He catches JBL with a Got To Sleep but can’t get the pin. One minute left and Y2J lands a Walls of Jericho in the middle of the ring.

JBL breaks the move up with 20 seconds left. We’re counting down 10-9-8-7-6-5-4 and JBL flops onto the prone Punk pins him 1-2-3 or is it 3-2-1. This was a great entertaining match but CM Punk has proven to be a pathetic excuse for a champ. He got beat up badly for nine of the ten minutes and was pin by someone who had no idea of where he was.

Segment Seven
It’s a Shawn Michaels interview. He says he’s got severe eye damage, broken ribs, and countless other horrifically lingering injuries. This time he’s going to listen to the doctors and quit if they say quit. We will all know his decision (or the docs’ decision) at SummerSlam. He says he loves his family and might stop wrestling to be with them. Didn’t Brett Favre say something like that a few months ago?

RAW Results and Commentary

Kofi Kingston def. Paul Birchill
Mickie James def. Katie Lea Birchill

Segment One
New GM Mike Adamle is getting some major heat! A lot more than I ever imagined…then he compares himself to Ronald Reagan and equates the Gipper’s work with Bonzo the chimp to announcing with Tazz. OK, he really compared Bonzo to calling Jeff Hardy Jeff Harvey. I like the Tazz comparison better.

It seems the inept one might be turning the crowd after announcing three title matches on tonight’s show. OK, this isn’t is bad. The first is Batista and John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. I guess that’s interesting.

Before he can announce another match JBL and Y2J join him in suits claiming they deserve title matches. Yap, yap, yap, yap. Debate, debate, debate, debate.

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Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/03/08

How did I have ‘em last week? Check this link.

We got big shakeups in the jabandgrapple Top 10 this week. Why is that? Well, three of last week’s Top 10 didn’t wrestle this week. And one of ‘em fought Colin Delaney. Doesn’t count.

Also, I can’t reward people for not appearing at shows especially when Mr. Jabandgrapple has tickets to said show. Therefore HHH tumbles. I don’t care if his wife birthed a baby. I really don’t. The Harrisburg area has great hospitals. Bring her on the road. (I’m kidding…I think)

1. Edge (LW: 5)
Pinned Jeff Hardy (tough week for him) on Saturday Night’s Main Event, sent Mick Foley off SmackDown on a stretcher, and looks to still be getting it done with Alicia Fox. Good week all around for the Rated R Superstar.

2. John Cena (LW: 6)
When paired with Batista on RAW it was Cena who got the pin earning him a spot ahead of the Animal making him this week’s biggest riser.

3. Batista (LW: 3)
Holding steady. Can’t wait for his singles match against Cena on SummerSlam.

4. Y2J (LW: 2)
Loved the final edition of The Highlight Reel. Hope its end means more appearance in the ring.

5. HHH (LW: 1)
Congrats on the baby girl. Can’t wait to see you wrestle again even if it’s against The Great Khali.

6. Kofi Kingston (LW: NR)
Kofi looked really good and dominant against Jamie Noble just as all belt holders should be.

7. CM Punk (LW: 4)
Just when I started to warm to Punk he was steamrolled by former exile William Regal. Regal bloodied his lip and inflicted a great deal of punishment before Punk gained the pin. It was not the sort of performance expected from a champion. Can you imagine Regal bloodying HHH’s lip?

8. Great Khali (LW: 10)
Khali beat the tar(heel) out of Jeff Hardy on SmackDown and might have been the week’s most impressive wrestler.

9. Matt Hardy (LW: 7)
Obligatory ECW entry. And he wrestled this week unlike serial steel bender Mark Henry.

10. Mr. Kennedy (LW: NR)
Great win against the bronchitis-impaired Shelton Benjamin in what might not be the last of the Clairol Matches.

Dropped Out: Kane, The Undertaker

RAW Results and Commentary

Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix def. D-Lo Brown and Kelly Kelly
Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. def. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole
Kofi Kingston def. Jamie Noble
CM Punk def. William Regal
Mickie James def. Jillian
Batista and John Cena def. JBL and Kane

Last night RAW crowned a new General Manager. Someone to stop the anarchy and the lawlessness. The expectation was a Gary Cooper, a Governator, a John Wayne, or even (gasp) a Gipper. But we all should have seen the writing of the wall. Chaos has been good for business. RAW’s ratings are up and fans are interested again. Too bad the show’s quickly taken a post-Draft second fiddle to SmackDown.

The night started with the unbelievable promise of a John Cena vs. Batista main event. The two Grade A Superstars wanted to get it on. The were ripe — Cena in a new red V-neck Cenation T-shirt and Batista in a fresh Wes Unseld Washington Bullets throwback — and ready for action. It’s the match everyone has been waiting for and desperate to see.

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Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 7/27/08

Every week WWE.com rates their wrestlers. Which got me to thinking…I have a wrestling blog. Why can’t I rate them? So I did. And I will try to every Monday morning in preparation the next week of grappling fun.

Don’t go searching for the “last week” ratings that I refer to. I didn’t post them, they only existed in my mind.

Rankings

1. Triple H (LW: 1)
I might not like HHH but you can’t deny his championship clout. He hasn’t lost in ages, his mic skills are still impeccable, and he is about to welcome a little baby into the world.

2. Y2J (LW: 2)
Right now Y2J is the lead dog in my favorite WWE storyline/feud. Heck, he’s even made Lance Cade interesting. Jericho’s weekly taunts of the arena crowds keep getting better and his veteran wrestling skills are always fun to watch.

3. Batista (LW: 3)
Sure he didn’t take the title from CM Punk but he hasn’t lost to him in a televised bout either. Batista has brought a great energy to RAW and his possible upcoming feud with John Cena has us excited.

4. CM Punk (LW: 6)
The Straight Edge Superstar is growing on us. He may not be winning but he isn’t losing either. His confidence is building and every week he gets more comfortable with the WWE Belt and with the crowds. This rating is bound to go up once he pins a fellow top tier superstar.

5. Edge (LW: 4)
It was a bad week for Edge. He spent the entire SmackDown show trying to live down his poorly timed dalliance with Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner and then he wife (or is it ex-wife) reinstated his arch-rival The Undertaker.

6. John Cena (LW: 9)
Cena fell last week in the rankings after his ignominious pin by JBL in what was the worst match at the Great American Bash. But good old John stepped in up on Monday when he lifted both DiBiase and Rhodes over his head AT THE SAME TIME and then hugged his proud father. And later in the night he accidentally punched Batista and may have started a feud between two titans. Great week.

7. Matt Hardy (LW: NR)
Matt actually wrestled last week unlike his similarly initialed ECW cohort Mark Henry. So he earns this rank. And what a match it was, a pay-per-view quality Fatal Four Way where he triumphed over three good wrestlers: Miz, Morrison, and Finlay.

8. Undertaker (LW: NR)
He’s coming back! Need I say more.

9. Kane (LW: 5)
Two weeks ago we were intrigued by the burlap bag and the bonkers attitude. Now that that storyline has gone nowhere we’re a little bored.

10. The Great Khali (LW: NR)
I don’t want to include this big Punjabi stiff in this list but he did beat Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show in a Battle Royale to earn this spot and a SummerSlam match against Triple H.

Dropping Out: Shawn Michaels (LW: 7); Big Show (LW : 8); Kofi Kingston (LW; 10)

Click F5 for updates

Match Number Eight
Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship

Triple H Wins

A WWE phone poll says 55% have more sympathy for Edge while 45% side with Vickie. We can’t believe that many people are with Vickie. Really surprising. Another Eve Torres moment…

…

…

Where were we? Edge comes out with nearly as much greasy wet hair as his opponent. The greasy hair gap has been closed. Edge to Edge. The bell rings and Edge rushes at him with the intensity of a woman scorned. Triple H easily eschews his impetuousness and starts the assumed beat down.

The entire front row has turned away from the ring and is waving to the cameras. Tells you something about the excitement level of the match, no?

Edge gains control of the match after slamming HHH into the ringside stairs. He pounces on Triple H outside the ring and slams him into an announcer’s booth. Edge has HHH into a body scissors subsmission hold. We’re hoping somebody appears soon to liven to the match up be it Vickie, The Undertaker, or maybe both.

There’s been some good back and forth but little drama. There we go. Edge hits a nice DDT on HHH outside the ring. Nothing amps up the fun like a near double count out. Edge pushes the de-energized HHH into the ring and goes for the pin. 1-2 and not quite 3.

HHH catapults Edge into the turnbuckle and lands a DDT of his own. No pin though. HHH keeps favoring his ribs. Could he be on hiatus for a baby birth as well?

At this point both men are woozy. HHH eludes a rushing spear and then another countering the last with a Double Edge Spine Buster. He can’t finish him with the Pedigree though. Now Edge is going for a debilitating Superplex. Success. But as Mrs. JandG explains, “That move is stupid, it hurts them both equally.”

Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner rushes to the ring and grabs the belt. She’s followed by Vickie Guerrero and those two engage in a heated cat fight. Edge looks to break it up and lands a vicious spear on his wife. Edge is in shock and Triple H capitalizes. He lands a Pedigree and pins Edge. Night over about fifteen minutes early. We wonder, did Triple H hurt his ribs and ask for the match to end? Hard to say.

***

Match Number Seven
John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL Wins

OK, so it’s not exactly a parking lot, it’s more like the bowels of the Nassau Coliseum. JBL is armed with a crowbar and wearing a dress shirt and tie. Thank heavens we don’t have to see his boobies. This match is in no way live.

JBL is searching everywhere for Cena who is in the driver’s seat of of Lincoln which hurtles into the Ford JBL is standing on. Product placement. Cena jumps at JBL armed with jumper cables which he attaches to JBL’s privates and connects to the car’s battery. Electric relaxation!

Cena’s next implement of destruction is a beer keg which he smashes into a car window. JBL escapes to the front seat where Cena slams his head into the wheel numerous times.

JBL lands his first successful move when he slams Cena into a car door which promptly breaks off. Mama JandG says “He should body slam him into the limousine’s bull horns.” My mom has some kind of imagination. She continues, “Cindy Rowe (a Harrisburg-area auto glass repair shop) is going to make out with this match!”

JBL’s attempts to pin Cena are unsuccessful so he grabs a crowbar and begins smashing windows. He puts Cena into the back seat of a Ford and grabs a gasoline container from his limo. He pours the fuel onto the Ford, pops open his zippo, and lights the car on fire. WWE employees immediately appear with fire extinguishers.

Cena jumps out of the car refreshed. He puts JBL in another Ford and hops onto a forklift. He’s carrying the car into the ring! This match is finally going to happen with a live audience. The painful silence is over. Thank heavens. The bout was live after all.

This match has been all flash with little reward. Cena looks up to the clock to make sure he can end it. He hits a five knuckle shuffle but before he hits the STFU JBL tosses him into the car’s windshield which immediately shatters. JBL pins the, um, shattered Cena. This bout was a stupid cartoon imitation of a wrestling match and not nearly as interesting as it might read. May they never fight again. Please. Worst match of the night. Mrs. JandG says “Stink-O-Rama.”

Both fighters look visibly hurt, probably just cuts from the windshield glass.

***

Match Number Six
CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Double Disqualification because Kane interferes; Punk retains title.

So you’re telling me that the World Heavyweight Championship gets a lower billing than the Cena-JBL non-title match? Or is that match not happening? And why is Punk coming out first? Isn’t he the title holder? No respect at all.

This match is definitely a make or break match for Punk. I don’t think it’s going to happen. Mama JandG concurs, “If that little guy beats Batista then something’s up.”

Papa JandG says “Punk’s going to win this. I’m telling you.” This is a contentious house. So far the match’s action feels awfully forced and pretty unrealistic. Batista lands a powerful suplex and now has Punk in a Camel Clutch. Batista looks like he is enjoying beating Punk up. Mama JandG is also enjoying the match, “That Batista sure is put together!”

The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb but is too close to the ropes. Punk is on the move now and hits Batista with a kick to the side of the head. 1-2 and not quite 3. The Animal kicks out. Punk almost land another fall after splashing Batista from the top rope. Batista then counters and almost takes the Straight Edge One down.

Batista’s next move is a vicious clothesline and things are getting good now. The action is outside the ring. Batista has Punk hurt and pushes him into the ring for the easy pin but Kane interferes, choke slams Punk, and the ref ends the match with a double DQ.

Kane again mutters “Is he alive or is he dead?” before ruthlessly knocking out a cameraman with a swift boot. He leaves the ring area where Heavyweight Champ Punk is still reeling with a bloody mouth. The Animal re-enters the ring and lands a convincing Batista Bomb. Punk can’t keep the title for much longer. He’s proving to be a boy amongst men.

***

Match Number Five
Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship

Michelle McCool Wins

How do you follow an epic, bloody match between two veteran hall of famers? That’s right. A WWE Divas match. Natalya has McCool in a really cool looking move called a Surfboard. Mrs. JandG remarks, “That Michelle McCool is awfully flexible.” Um, um, what do you say to that?

Natalya puts McCool into a Sharpshooter but McCool is able to get the the ropes. McCool gets Natalya into a Brazilian heel hook and the Anvil’s daughter taps out far too soon. The wrong person won.

After the match Eve Torres enters the ring dressed in a stunning short yellow dress. But before I can ogle any more Chris Jericho disrupts the night’s most perfect moment by announcing that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina and is done. Hasn’t Y2J received an advance copy of Four Kings? Doesn’t he know that Sugar Ray Leonard fought like a dozen fights with that same injury? Evidently not. This feud is not over.

***

Match Number Four
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho Wins

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for! So soon in the broadcast? Jericho enters the ring with a very intimidating vest. HBK comes in in all orange and a cowboy hat. Has his eye healed? They stare down as if they’re in love for about 15 seconds. It’s on.

Michaels is already grabbing his ribs as if he is hurt. What a faker! HBK quickly puts Y2J into a figure four leg lock. The match is all about the throwback. Jericho hits a great drop kick off the second rope and then grabs his knee. Mama JandG says “These guys are real complainers.” She continues “Can you imagine how sweaty Shawn is in those leather pants?” No we can’t.

This match is already living up to our expectations. Both competitors have landed a series of terrific moves. The momentum is building at a wonderfully steady pace. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho but it looks like HBK is going to get to the ropes. He does.

Near fall after HBK nails Y2J with a powerful forearm. He’s now traveled to the top rope. Y2J sprints over to the ropes, shaking HBK’s vitals down onto the turnbuckle. Shawn looks to be turning purple. They’re now grappling from the top of the turnbuckle. HBK kicks him off and hits an elbow to Jericho’s heart. Instead of the pin he amps up the crowd.

Lance Cade tries to interfere but HBK easily disposes of him. There are two neat counters from both wrestlers which almost result in pins. Michaels then does a backflip FROM THE TOP ROPE onto Cade and Jericho who are standing outside of the ring. Wowee zowee.

HBK’s eye has been split open and is bleeding profusely! Jericho sees it and goes on the attack. The spewing blood is making for great drama. The ref wants to stop the match but Michaels is too much of a man.

Y2J headbutts the cut and punches the cut. He’s gleefully inflicting injury. The camera zooms in on HBK’s face and we’re straining to find the gash. HBK is in a bad way. He’s hanging on for dear life grabbing onto the front of Jericho’s trunks. The ref puts an end to the action; Michaels’ eye has been through too much.

The medical staff comes in to help Michaels but curiously they do not wipe the blood off his face or tend to the cut. Great match but I wish they would have let it go on.

***

Match Number Three
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship

Mark Henry Wins

Big big surprises so far. Two title changes in two huge upsets. This pay-per-view has had a terrific start…until now. Mark Henry enters the ring with Tony Atlas. Tommy Dreamer follows with Colin Delaney.

Mr. Jabandgrapple’s mom starts laughing hysterically. “That guy is so big. He’s like a brick wall!” Announcer Tazz announces “Mark Henry is a brick wall.” Eerie. So eerie.

Mama JandG continues “This is so hard to watch. Mark Henry looks like he is breaking his arm. Why isn’t Dreamer screaming in pain? Scream, Dreamer, scream!”

The room breaks into audible Nooooo! as Henry looks to flop onto Dreamer. Tommy eludes him at the last second. Tommy Dreamer seems like he is in control on the top rope. He lets out a Tarzan scream and is going to finish Henry off.

But no! Colin Delaney double crosses his mentor, grabs Dreamer’s arm and the ECW original goes flying into the canvas. Henry pins him easily as Delaney walks off with snarly self satisfaction. We didn’t see that twist coming.

***

Match Number Two
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

for the United States Championship

Shelton Benjamin Wins

This match was not announced! We are pleasantly delighted. This one is for the technical wrestling fans. These two fought a few weeks ago in an underwhelming SmackDown match. Let’s hope this one is an improvement.

There’s been a lot of holds. Hardy has spent most of the time outside the ring and/or in pain. Benjamin continues the punishment. He’s clearly going to lose.

Shelton has Matt in a submission hold and the crowd is chanting for a Hardy resurrection. I yell at Papa Jabandgrapple to “watch the match and stop doing a crossword puzzle!” Mrs. JandG says “This match is painfully boring, you can’t force it on anyone.”

I say, “But what about Benjamin’s terrific kick out of nowhere that just happened and Hardy’s super body slam and resulting leg drop from the top rope?”

“Not enough, but Gold Standard’s catch of Hardy and toss into the turnbuckle was pretty cool.”

Hardy’s had two 2 7/8 near falls and the match is picking up. Hardy goes for a moonsaw and Benjamin catches him in the face with his knees. The Gold Standard then hits a Paydirt and Hardy is out. 1-2-3 pin. New United States Champion.

***

Match Number One
Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way

Ryder and Hawkins Win

This opening match surprises me. I thought Mark Henry would be starting this one off. The bell rings, Festus goes crazy and everyone clears the ring…except Hornswaggle. The little leprechaun flies out of the ring and now The Miz is facing the Of Mice and Men lead character.

Hawkins and Ryder have just made their first entry in the ring on an unintentional tag for Morrison. The fun has just nosedived as the Edgeheads pound and hold.

There are far too many tags for me to keep up with by the way. Morrison does an attractive leap over the top rope to fell Finlay. Miz and Morrison have become a terrific tag team and really deserve this win. Finlay almost pins Ryder but Miz and Morrison break the fall. Ryder then almost pins Finlay but Hornswaggle breaks it up. Will there be a pin tonight?

Indeed there is. Miz and Morrison enter the ring too quickly to break up a Festus pin of Hawkins. Hawkins then pulls Jesse into the ring, pins him, and gains the WWE Tag Team Title. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is disgusted. She says, “I hate when mediocrity is rewarded!” We have to agree.

***

Not even a Pennsylvania summer thunder storm can stop me. www.jabandgrapple.com’s internet coverage was out until 7:56 p.m. but it’s on now! The Great American Bash live blog is about to begin.

Great American Bash Predictions

***

Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship
I have more of a chance joining the WWE writing staff than Dreamer has of winning the ECW championship. Henry should take him down with his typical ennui-inducing ring power act. expect a lot of sweat and lots of confident cackling from Henry and Tony Atlas.
Mr. JandG pick: Mark Henry
Mrs. Jand G pick: Mark Henry, unfortunately
Odds: Henry -9,900; Dreamer +9,900

Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship
The most shocking news I read this week: Michelle McCool is dating The Undertaker. Are you kidding me? Some undead guys have all the luck.

Nevertheless, regular SmackDown viewers know that Natalya can wrestle! She would make for a great first SmackDown Divas champ and we’re really rooting for her to win this match tonight.
Mr. JandG pick: Natalya
Mrs. Jand G pick: Natalya because meanness trumps athletic and nimble.
Odds: McCool -150; Natalya +150

Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way
Who do I want to win? Miz and Morrison. Who do I think will win? I have a striking suspicion that The Miz and Morrison’s eight-month reign is coming to an end with new flavor of the month Jesse and Festus seizing the belt. But, as the Rock says, “It doesn’t matter.” I’m picking the Miz and Morrison although I think this match could get too chaotic for words.
Mr. JandG pick: Miz and Morrison
Mrs. Jand G pick: Miz and Morrison b/c they’re the only “real” tag team involved.
Odds: Miz and Morrison +100; Finlay and Hornswaggle +300; Jesse and Festus +400; Ryder and Hawkins +1,900

John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl
Are these guys really fighting again? That means we’ve been blessed with these two in three of the past four pay-per-views. I remember their One Night Stand and Judgment Day bouts as their respective PPV’s worst. There’s no reason to expect this one to be any different even with its gimmicky set-up. I expect Cryme Tyme and DiBiase and Rhodes to work their way into the parking lot and wreak havoc but they’ll cancel each other out and Cena will prevail…again.
Mr. JandG pick: John Cena
Mrs. Jand G pick: John Cena b/c JBL is used to playing dirty but at the end of the day he’s not that smart.
Odds: John Cena -300; JBL +300

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

It’s safe to say that this is the match everyone is waiting for. The slow build-up to this feud between the WWE’s top two vets has been terrific. We’re expecting a repeat of their One Night Stand epic, a bout that currently makes the short list for match of the year. We shouldn’t be disappointed. I think Y2J wins with some Lance Cade-trickery and this feud continues, culminating in a SummerSlam rubber match
Mr. JandG pick: Chris Jericho
Mrs. Jand G pick: Shawn Michaels b/c everyone’s waiting for his grand resurrection.
Odds: Y2J -110; HBK +110

Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship
There are so many ways this storyline can go. I would love to see a prolonged Edge - Triple H with its resulting sleeping-with-the-boss in jokes but considering the Vickie-Edge breakup it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. There has been a lot of speculation about The Undertaker returning here but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still, my pick is for Edge to win and his HHH feud to continue although my head tells me that Triple H will win because he always does. And because Edge has no one to help him.
Mr. JandG pick: Edge
Mrs. Jand G pick: Triple H. But I have no idea; It’s above my pay scale. Have to side with experience.
Odds: Triple H -200; Edge +200

CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship
Punk has been awful uninspiring since earning the title. He hasn’t stepped up his ring presence or his microphone skills. Batista, on the other hand, carries himself with the air of a champion. However, I think CM Punk deserves a chance to prove himself and he doesn’t lose his title until SummerSlam.
Mr. JandG pick: CM Punk
Mrs. Jand G pick: Batista b/c there’s been too many references lately to him being a “former champion.” That ends tonight.
Odds: Batista -150; CM Punk +150