WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part One

M.V.P. holds a V.I.P. Lounge with Jeff Hardy.
Shelton Benjamin def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Jesse and Festus def. Ryder and Hawkins

Segment One
M.V.P. is tired. His V.I.P. Lounge is even tired-er. His guest, on the other hand, is the best-est of the best: Jeff Hardy! The Ultimate Thrill Seeker seems to be taking some chances with his hair color which has shifted to a grandmother-worthy blue. M.V.P. announces the night’s Main Event: a huge Battle Royale with seemingly every SmackDown superstar.

Jeff Hardy wonders how M.V.P. can be so confident despite the fact that he’s become a jobber. M.V.P. then insults Jeff Hardy’s house fire which REALLY REALLY crosses the line. If he mentions Jeff’s late dog then I am going to hunt M.V.P. down. Oh, no he didn’t! He did mention Jeff’s dog Jack. I am stopping this live blog now and going to the Harrisburg train station to get a ticket to Philadelphia’s Wachovia Center.

What’s that Mrs. Jabandgrapple? “They filmed this show on Tuesday, M.V.P. is long gone.” I retort, “But we have tickets to this Tuesday’s ECW/Smackdown taping in Hershey. I’ll get him then!” She counters, “Sure you will honey, sure you will.”

Hardy beats me to the punch and hits M.V.P. himself. This segment was far too personal and ire-inducing for my taste. MY BLOOD IS BOILING! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH.

Then a Gossip Girl preview comes on and my anger dies down. I love that show. My accompanying picture? It’s Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively and a dog, in loving memory of Jeff Hardy’s Jack.

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Match Number Eight
Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship

Triple H Wins

A WWE phone poll says 55% have more sympathy for Edge while 45% side with Vickie. We can’t believe that many people are with Vickie. Really surprising. Another Eve Torres moment…

…

…

Where were we? Edge comes out with nearly as much greasy wet hair as his opponent. The greasy hair gap has been closed. Edge to Edge. The bell rings and Edge rushes at him with the intensity of a woman scorned. Triple H easily eschews his impetuousness and starts the assumed beat down.

The entire front row has turned away from the ring and is waving to the cameras. Tells you something about the excitement level of the match, no?

Edge gains control of the match after slamming HHH into the ringside stairs. He pounces on Triple H outside the ring and slams him into an announcer’s booth. Edge has HHH into a body scissors subsmission hold. We’re hoping somebody appears soon to liven to the match up be it Vickie, The Undertaker, or maybe both.

There’s been some good back and forth but little drama. There we go. Edge hits a nice DDT on HHH outside the ring. Nothing amps up the fun like a near double count out. Edge pushes the de-energized HHH into the ring and goes for the pin. 1-2 and not quite 3.

HHH catapults Edge into the turnbuckle and lands a DDT of his own. No pin though. HHH keeps favoring his ribs. Could he be on hiatus for a baby birth as well?

At this point both men are woozy. HHH eludes a rushing spear and then another countering the last with a Double Edge Spine Buster. He can’t finish him with the Pedigree though. Now Edge is going for a debilitating Superplex. Success. But as Mrs. JandG explains, “That move is stupid, it hurts them both equally.”

Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner rushes to the ring and grabs the belt. She’s followed by Vickie Guerrero and those two engage in a heated cat fight. Edge looks to break it up and lands a vicious spear on his wife. Edge is in shock and Triple H capitalizes. He lands a Pedigree and pins Edge. Night over about fifteen minutes early. We wonder, did Triple H hurt his ribs and ask for the match to end? Hard to say.

***

Match Number Seven
John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL Wins

OK, so it’s not exactly a parking lot, it’s more like the bowels of the Nassau Coliseum. JBL is armed with a crowbar and wearing a dress shirt and tie. Thank heavens we don’t have to see his boobies. This match is in no way live.

JBL is searching everywhere for Cena who is in the driver’s seat of of Lincoln which hurtles into the Ford JBL is standing on. Product placement. Cena jumps at JBL armed with jumper cables which he attaches to JBL’s privates and connects to the car’s battery. Electric relaxation!

Cena’s next implement of destruction is a beer keg which he smashes into a car window. JBL escapes to the front seat where Cena slams his head into the wheel numerous times.

JBL lands his first successful move when he slams Cena into a car door which promptly breaks off. Mama JandG says “He should body slam him into the limousine’s bull horns.” My mom has some kind of imagination. She continues, “Cindy Rowe (a Harrisburg-area auto glass repair shop) is going to make out with this match!”

JBL’s attempts to pin Cena are unsuccessful so he grabs a crowbar and begins smashing windows. He puts Cena into the back seat of a Ford and grabs a gasoline container from his limo. He pours the fuel onto the Ford, pops open his zippo, and lights the car on fire. WWE employees immediately appear with fire extinguishers.

Cena jumps out of the car refreshed. He puts JBL in another Ford and hops onto a forklift. He’s carrying the car into the ring! This match is finally going to happen with a live audience. The painful silence is over. Thank heavens. The bout was live after all.

This match has been all flash with little reward. Cena looks up to the clock to make sure he can end it. He hits a five knuckle shuffle but before he hits the STFU JBL tosses him into the car’s windshield which immediately shatters. JBL pins the, um, shattered Cena. This bout was a stupid cartoon imitation of a wrestling match and not nearly as interesting as it might read. May they never fight again. Please. Worst match of the night. Mrs. JandG says “Stink-O-Rama.”

Both fighters look visibly hurt, probably just cuts from the windshield glass.

***

Match Number Six
CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Double Disqualification because Kane interferes; Punk retains title.

So you’re telling me that the World Heavyweight Championship gets a lower billing than the Cena-JBL non-title match? Or is that match not happening? And why is Punk coming out first? Isn’t he the title holder? No respect at all.

This match is definitely a make or break match for Punk. I don’t think it’s going to happen. Mama JandG concurs, “If that little guy beats Batista then something’s up.”

Papa JandG says “Punk’s going to win this. I’m telling you.” This is a contentious house. So far the match’s action feels awfully forced and pretty unrealistic. Batista lands a powerful suplex and now has Punk in a Camel Clutch. Batista looks like he is enjoying beating Punk up. Mama JandG is also enjoying the match, “That Batista sure is put together!”

The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb but is too close to the ropes. Punk is on the move now and hits Batista with a kick to the side of the head. 1-2 and not quite 3. The Animal kicks out. Punk almost land another fall after splashing Batista from the top rope. Batista then counters and almost takes the Straight Edge One down.

Batista’s next move is a vicious clothesline and things are getting good now. The action is outside the ring. Batista has Punk hurt and pushes him into the ring for the easy pin but Kane interferes, choke slams Punk, and the ref ends the match with a double DQ.

Kane again mutters “Is he alive or is he dead?” before ruthlessly knocking out a cameraman with a swift boot. He leaves the ring area where Heavyweight Champ Punk is still reeling with a bloody mouth. The Animal re-enters the ring and lands a convincing Batista Bomb. Punk can’t keep the title for much longer. He’s proving to be a boy amongst men.

***

Match Number Five
Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship

Michelle McCool Wins

How do you follow an epic, bloody match between two veteran hall of famers? That’s right. A WWE Divas match. Natalya has McCool in a really cool looking move called a Surfboard. Mrs. JandG remarks, “That Michelle McCool is awfully flexible.” Um, um, what do you say to that?

Natalya puts McCool into a Sharpshooter but McCool is able to get the the ropes. McCool gets Natalya into a Brazilian heel hook and the Anvil’s daughter taps out far too soon. The wrong person won.

After the match Eve Torres enters the ring dressed in a stunning short yellow dress. But before I can ogle any more Chris Jericho disrupts the night’s most perfect moment by announcing that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina and is done. Hasn’t Y2J received an advance copy of Four Kings? Doesn’t he know that Sugar Ray Leonard fought like a dozen fights with that same injury? Evidently not. This feud is not over.

***

Match Number Four
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho Wins

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for! So soon in the broadcast? Jericho enters the ring with a very intimidating vest. HBK comes in in all orange and a cowboy hat. Has his eye healed? They stare down as if they’re in love for about 15 seconds. It’s on.

Michaels is already grabbing his ribs as if he is hurt. What a faker! HBK quickly puts Y2J into a figure four leg lock. The match is all about the throwback. Jericho hits a great drop kick off the second rope and then grabs his knee. Mama JandG says “These guys are real complainers.” She continues “Can you imagine how sweaty Shawn is in those leather pants?” No we can’t.

This match is already living up to our expectations. Both competitors have landed a series of terrific moves. The momentum is building at a wonderfully steady pace. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho but it looks like HBK is going to get to the ropes. He does.

Near fall after HBK nails Y2J with a powerful forearm. He’s now traveled to the top rope. Y2J sprints over to the ropes, shaking HBK’s vitals down onto the turnbuckle. Shawn looks to be turning purple. They’re now grappling from the top of the turnbuckle. HBK kicks him off and hits an elbow to Jericho’s heart. Instead of the pin he amps up the crowd.

Lance Cade tries to interfere but HBK easily disposes of him. There are two neat counters from both wrestlers which almost result in pins. Michaels then does a backflip FROM THE TOP ROPE onto Cade and Jericho who are standing outside of the ring. Wowee zowee.

HBK’s eye has been split open and is bleeding profusely! Jericho sees it and goes on the attack. The spewing blood is making for great drama. The ref wants to stop the match but Michaels is too much of a man.

Y2J headbutts the cut and punches the cut. He’s gleefully inflicting injury. The camera zooms in on HBK’s face and we’re straining to find the gash. HBK is in a bad way. He’s hanging on for dear life grabbing onto the front of Jericho’s trunks. The ref puts an end to the action; Michaels’ eye has been through too much.

The medical staff comes in to help Michaels but curiously they do not wipe the blood off his face or tend to the cut. Great match but I wish they would have let it go on.

***

Match Number Three
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship

Mark Henry Wins

Big big surprises so far. Two title changes in two huge upsets. This pay-per-view has had a terrific start…until now. Mark Henry enters the ring with Tony Atlas. Tommy Dreamer follows with Colin Delaney.

Mr. Jabandgrapple’s mom starts laughing hysterically. “That guy is so big. He’s like a brick wall!” Announcer Tazz announces “Mark Henry is a brick wall.” Eerie. So eerie.

Mama JandG continues “This is so hard to watch. Mark Henry looks like he is breaking his arm. Why isn’t Dreamer screaming in pain? Scream, Dreamer, scream!”

The room breaks into audible Nooooo! as Henry looks to flop onto Dreamer. Tommy eludes him at the last second. Tommy Dreamer seems like he is in control on the top rope. He lets out a Tarzan scream and is going to finish Henry off.

But no! Colin Delaney double crosses his mentor, grabs Dreamer’s arm and the ECW original goes flying into the canvas. Henry pins him easily as Delaney walks off with snarly self satisfaction. We didn’t see that twist coming.

***

Match Number Two
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

for the United States Championship

Shelton Benjamin Wins

This match was not announced! We are pleasantly delighted. This one is for the technical wrestling fans. These two fought a few weeks ago in an underwhelming SmackDown match. Let’s hope this one is an improvement.

There’s been a lot of holds. Hardy has spent most of the time outside the ring and/or in pain. Benjamin continues the punishment. He’s clearly going to lose.

Shelton has Matt in a submission hold and the crowd is chanting for a Hardy resurrection. I yell at Papa Jabandgrapple to “watch the match and stop doing a crossword puzzle!” Mrs. JandG says “This match is painfully boring, you can’t force it on anyone.”

I say, “But what about Benjamin’s terrific kick out of nowhere that just happened and Hardy’s super body slam and resulting leg drop from the top rope?”

“Not enough, but Gold Standard’s catch of Hardy and toss into the turnbuckle was pretty cool.”

Hardy’s had two 2 7/8 near falls and the match is picking up. Hardy goes for a moonsaw and Benjamin catches him in the face with his knees. The Gold Standard then hits a Paydirt and Hardy is out. 1-2-3 pin. New United States Champion.

***

Match Number One
Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way

Ryder and Hawkins Win

This opening match surprises me. I thought Mark Henry would be starting this one off. The bell rings, Festus goes crazy and everyone clears the ring…except Hornswaggle. The little leprechaun flies out of the ring and now The Miz is facing the Of Mice and Men lead character.

Hawkins and Ryder have just made their first entry in the ring on an unintentional tag for Morrison. The fun has just nosedived as the Edgeheads pound and hold.

There are far too many tags for me to keep up with by the way. Morrison does an attractive leap over the top rope to fell Finlay. Miz and Morrison have become a terrific tag team and really deserve this win. Finlay almost pins Ryder but Miz and Morrison break the fall. Ryder then almost pins Finlay but Hornswaggle breaks it up. Will there be a pin tonight?

Indeed there is. Miz and Morrison enter the ring too quickly to break up a Festus pin of Hawkins. Hawkins then pulls Jesse into the ring, pins him, and gains the WWE Tag Team Title. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is disgusted. She says, “I hate when mediocrity is rewarded!” We have to agree.

***

Not even a Pennsylvania summer thunder storm can stop me. www.jabandgrapple.com’s internet coverage was out until 7:56 p.m. but it’s on now! The Great American Bash live blog is about to begin.

WWE SmackDown Not Quite Live Blog, Part Three

Jesse and Festus def. Zach Ryder and Curt Hawkins
Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
La Familia argues
Edge and Big Show match ended prematurely

Image details: Gay Marriages Begin In Bay Area served by picapp.com

Segment Nine:
Who is more dastardly then Ryder and Hawkins? No one. They do Vickie Guerrero’s evil bidding, they’re extremely cowardly, and in this match they get themselves counted out on purpose. Why would they do that? So they end-of-the-match bell rings and Festus returns to his catatonic state. How craven? How horrible? How mean?

Their stupid tactic backfires when Jesse re-rings the bell and Festus goes crazy again. Jesse and Festus’ Of Mice and Men redux is already tired in my book. And I can’t get their Biscuits and Gravy theme song out of my mind. ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Segment Ten:
Is Stevie Richards a step-up in competition for Vladimir Kozlov? I guess. Kozlov puts Richards in a body scissors and the Russian appears to be twice as big as his Philadelphia opponent. Stevie attempts a few falls (which fail) before Kozlov puts him down with a headbutt.

Segment Eleven:
Trouble in paradise. Thankfully the boring wrestling ends and we’re back to the soap opera plot. Did I just say that? Anyway, Ryder, Hawkins, Chavo Guerrero, Edge, and Bam Neely are together and arguing.

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Friday Night SmackDown, May 30, 2008

Match Four
Batista and Big Show def. Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins

Batista’s music and intro happens and I guess the Main Event happening at the half way point. Who will be Batista’s tag team friend? Batista grabs the mic and proudly declares “I don’t need a partner.” We don’t think Hawkins and Ryder are particularly fearsome either. They look pretty cocky and Mick Foley thinks it’s foolish confidence. He is soooo right.

The still wheelchair-bound Vickie Guerrero feels the need to taunt the Animal about his apparent friendlessness. But Batista has some clever semantics in store “I didn’t say I didn’t have a partner I said I didn’t need a partner. Cue Big Show’s music. The World’s Largest Athlete appears, wheelies Vickie off the stage, and returns to the ring to participate.

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Friday Night SmackDown, May 30, 2008

The Setup
Batista sure cleans up well. He’s decked out in a pitch black pinstripe suit with a black tie and sun glasses that seem to have a gargoyle on their sides. Versaces, of course. He wants forgiveness from the people because he wants to “hurt Shawn Michaels“. It’s OK Animal, we understand.

Vickie Guerrero, however, doesn’t understand. She’s being wheeled out by the interchangeable Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins and she warns Batista not to look past Michaels and to the Heavyweight championship because he might not even be inSmackDown (in the future). The 2008 Draft and all. Vickie, who is showing a great deal of cleavage, is being rained on by a chorus of “You Suck” catcalls. She is not loved in Colorado Springs.

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For Part One of the May 16 SmackDown recap click here.

The proud half dozen make their way towards the ring looking increasingly paranoid. Are they afraid of a second indoor lightning strike? Edge is, well, edgy. Either Curt Hawkins or Zack Ryder is pushing Vicki Guerrero along. We can’t tell them apart. But where are Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely? They’ve abandoned Vicki, the Rated-R Entourage, the Rated-R Superstar.

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Seven wrestlers had a part in last week’s Smackdown Main Event battle royal ending with Edge securing his Judgment Day PPV title shot against The Undertaker. How many people would be participating in this week’s Smackdown Main Event? Two, three, four? How about another lucky seven!

Six persons including wheelchair-bound Vicki Guerrero vs. The Undertaker. The announcement coming from SmackDown Assistant GM Theodore Long who went behind Vicki Guerrero’s back straight to the WWE Board of Directors. What must that board room look like? We’re thinking it’s bound by a steel cage, cedar wood desk in the middle surrounded by folding chairs. Just in case. No one allowed to leave until a decision is made. Disagreements settled the old fashioned way.

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• CM Punk def. WWE Tag Team Champion The Miz
• Elijah Burke def. Nunzio
• Kofi Kingston def. Domino
• Tommy Dreamer def. Colin Delaney

The big news of the show was the contract signing between ECW-champion Kane and former-champion Chavo Guerrero. After Kane signed the contract Chavo introduced a new mystery wrestler, Justin “The Ox” LaRoche, who will be accompanying Guerrero at Backlash. Curt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, and Guerrero then attacked Kane before finally signing the PPV contract.