I was kind of in and out of last night’s ECW show. It seemed very boring and I was busy in a Skype meeting during the show too so that took some attention away from it. Anyway, here is last nights recap of wins and losses.

Jack Swagger wins over Lenny Lane via Tilt-A-Whirl Powerbomb.

Mike Knox beats Tommy Dreamer after Tommy charges Knox but misses and hits the ring post (You’d think they’d pad them by now, right?) and Knox finished the mathc with his reverse spinner STO.

The Miz, John Henry and John Morrison defeat Matt Hardy, Riocky Ortiz and Evan Bourne by Mark Henry’s "World’s Strongest Slam" on Evan Bourne.

That’s it. A whopping three matches. It’s kind of sad how much talking and how little wrestling goes on in an hour show these days. But that’s the things are now. More drama and less action.

IN the recent issue of WWE Magazine 25 Years Of Magazine Interviews Issue there were a lot of great interview quotes. I figured I’d post a few of them. Some of them are like "Say What??"

"Macho Man" Randy Savage: "I think women should be free to cook, clean the house, have babies-whatever. See, I’m not against women having rights." ~Randy Savage, on women’s equality, "Sounding Off…" WWE Magazine, December/January 2006/2007

Paul Heyman: "I would be much more at peace if it had been a mistake I had made that tanked the company. To watch someone lese kill what you lived for was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy" ~Paul Heyman, Lamenting ECW’s demise, "The Little Promotion That Could": ECW Special Issue, 2005

The Big Show: "Everybody knows who I am, so I don’t use urinals much. There’s always some smartass with a camera phone who’s trying to take a picture of me pissing." ~Big Show, explaining the travails involved in being a larger-than-life public figure: "10 Things That Are Difficult For Big Show": WWE Magazine, August 2006

Edge: "I get off on that. The, to me, is as good as a sex celebration on the couch of Casa de Copeland. Being able to push buttons and have the audience do exactly what I want them to do like I’m their puppeteer. And fans don;t even realize it. That’s the beautiful part of it all." ~Edge, Discussing his ability to manipulate fans; "Suck That!" WWE Magazine, December 2006

All quoted text from WWE Magazine 25 Years Of Magazine Interviews Issues 2008

This magazine is currently on news stands until October 28th

This was the WORST ECW SHOW OF ALL TIME. I said I was through before but I came back. No longer.

The only good match of the night was the first fight shown on TV: a tag team match where Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz defeated Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. After that the only matches were the stink-o-rama of Armando Estrada versus Tommy Dreamer and a horrific match between Braden Walker and James Curtis. Who are they you ask? We wondered the same thing.

In between we got a Dirt Sheet and a bunch of promos. I stayed up until 11:00 p.m. for this?

ECW Results and Commentary

Matt Hardy watches while Mark Henry bends wrought iron
Randy Ortiz def. Chavo Guerrero by DQ
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle
After the match Mike Knox beats up on Finlay
Matt Henry def. Colin Delaney

What’s different about seeing matches in person and watching them on TV? Let see if we can find twenty ways.

1. The announcers have their own elaborate entrances! Well, except for Todd Grisham because he is new. We wonder what Mike Adamle’s theme music was. It’s not like Northwestern University has a marching band, a theme song, or a good sports program like JR’s Oklahoma Sooners. Right?

2. Before the bouts start an disembodied announcer tells the crowd something like “In XX seconds we are going to start filming. Hold your signs up and act like crazed dogs.” We oblige, the lights stream on a the ECW music streams in. “Still standing here/I’m Still Standing Here!!!” Flashbulbs intone and we go insane!!!

3. The indoor pyrotechnics and fireworks are MUCH MUCH louder than you expect. Especially when you’re sitting near the arena roof.

4. The crowd loves nobody more than than Matt and Jeff Hardy.

5. The audience is soooo into it. Nearly everyone has WWE shirts on, kids are draped in fake WWE title belts, they wear Jeff Hardy forearm thingamajigs, WWE hats, and are so excited. The atmosphere is electric. Ric Flair-esque wooooooooooo cheers happen often.

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That’s right. Mr. and Mrs. Jabandgrapple attended the mega-spectacular show last night and it was just as amazing and fun and we could have imagined. The action began at 7:30 p.m. and didn’t stop until a little after 11:00 p.m. It was exhausting…and we weren’t even wrestling!

We’re not going to tell you who wrestled and who won on SmackDown. No spoilers here. Will tell a short story instead. When we entered the parking lot the cashier asked us “You here for the wrestling?” “Um, yeah,” we answered. “So are you Triple H or Undertaker fans?” Mr. JandG roared back “Taker, of course! Let’s hope he shows up tonight!” Alas, he didn’t. And neither did Triple H. So that was a little disappointing but we got over it.

Which matches won’t you see at home? There were only two. In the ECW Dark Match that opened the show perennial loser Funaki squared off against Nic Nemeth. Funaki got lots of love from the crowd and in return he was gracious and thankful. The match consisted of many awkward stops and bows, lots of toss slams, and, and… I’ll admit it was hard to concentrate on the match given Nemeth’s ridiculous hair cut. It looked like a black cat had adhered itself to the back of his blonde head. As the match progressed the the cat reproduction got mussed around and seemed to move.

Funaki actually won this match and sprinted out of the ring in pure ecstasy. After Nemeth’s loss he was heartlessly booed and taunted. We think it was because of the hair.

The other Dark Match ended the night’s festivities and it really wasn’t much of a match at all. After Edge’s climactic final SmackDown scene (which involved tables, ladders, and chairs!) he was forced back out to the ring by an angry and vengeful Vickie Guerrero. This was her only appearance of the night and I don’t think she’ll even be on Friday’s show.

Vickie told him that he had to fight a no-DQ match against The Big Show. That sounded great to us but clearly not to Edge. Big Show did some of his in-ring slappiness on Edge’s sternum and then the Rated R Superstar sprinted back to the entrance area and left. Big Show chased him down and brought him back but Edge ran away again. This time for good. Big Show stayed, signed some autographs, hugged some kids, and was his typical cuddly self.

ECW Results followed by Pleasant Narrative

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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

ECW Results and Highlights

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

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ECW Results and Highlights

Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle def. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Atlas Ortiz def. Armando Estrada
Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney

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As we all know, ECW got the serious short end of the WWE Draft stick. Here’s a summary:

Wrestlers (of note) Lost: CM Punk (now WWE Heavyweight Champ); Kane; Kofi Kingston (now Intercontinental Champ); Shelton Benjamin.

Wrestlers Gained: Matt Hardy; Mark Henry; Finlay; Hornswaggle; Super Crazy.

What that means is that I’ve lost four of the seven reasons I watched ECW. The other three being The Miz, Morrison, and Evan Bourne. I’ve gained 1 1/2 reasons to tune in on Tuesday nights (Finlay and Hornswaggle). That leaves me with 4 1/2 reasons to watch which I’m pretty sure is less than seven.

In short, I’m giving this week a shot. ECW has to earn its way onto my Tuesday night schedule.

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I live blogged this thing. So read in reverse, natch.

***

I think that’s finally it. Fingers crossed. It is. Phew.

RAW get Kofi Kingston
Rey Mysterio gets a high flyer to fight. I’m ecstatic about this swap. Turns out someone has been watching Kofi’s impressive ECW performances these last few weeks.

RAW get Layla
This supplemental draft is longer than the NFL draft. Had I known I would have split this into two posts.

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SmackDown get Carlito
Please let this mean that Santino Marella is shifting brands as well. It doesn’t.

ECW get Finlay
The writing should have been on the wall after the Hornswaggle switch. Finlay’s a step above the ECW and I’m guessing he’s going to be holding the ECW championship within the year. He’s also been featured on ECW nearly every week for the past few months so this isn’t much of a surprise.

SmackDown get Shelton Benjamin
This is a big one. Shelton is one of my favorite wrestlers and he deserves a step up from ECW. He should do well at SmackDown and I think he could even challenge for a title. Really. By the end of the supplemental draft will ECW have anyone worth watching left?

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WWE Draft 2008

These last two picks and the final match are going to have to be pretty darn great to get me into a good mood. Lucky for me, they are.

Match/Draft Pick #9 and #10
The last match is a 15-man Royal Rumble with 5 representatives from each brand. RAW looks pretty stacked but since pre-match RAW had 4 wrestler picks, SmackDown 2, and ECW 1 it’s clear that a SmackDown fighter is going to prevail.

The competitors have matching T-shirts which Mrs. Jabandgrapple thinks are darling. It’s a pretty good Royal Rumble highlighted by a vicious clash of heads between Batista and Edge. Batista’s head is gashed open and he oozes blood. The Animal is dazed for about five minutes before Big Show mercifully lifts him over the top rope. Batista clearly has a concussion. Let’s hope he can fight on Sunday.

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