Jack Swagger wins over Lenny Lane via Tilt-A-Whirl Powerbomb.

Mike Knox beats Tommy Dreamer after Tommy charges Knox but misses and hits the ring post (You’d think they’d pad them by now, right?) and Knox finished the mathc with his reverse spinner STO.

The Miz, John Henry and John Morrison defeat Matt Hardy, Riocky Ortiz and Evan Bourne by Mark Henry’s "World’s Strongest Slam" on Evan Bourne.

That’s it. A whopping three matches. It’s kind of sad how much talking and how little wrestling goes on in an hour show these days. But that’s the things are now. More drama and less action.

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW Recap 9/’30

"Macho Man" Randy Savage: "I think women should be free to cook, clean the house, have babies-whatever. See, I’m not against women having rights." ~Randy Savage, on women’s equality, "Sounding Off…" WWE Magazine, December/January 2006/2007

Paul Heyman: "I would be much more at peace if it had been a mistake I had made that tanked the company. To watch someone lese kill what you lived for was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy" ~Paul Heyman, Lamenting ECW’s demise, "The Little Promotion That Could": ECW Special Issue, 2005

The Big Show: "Everybody knows who I am, so I don’t use urinals much. There’s always some smartass with a camera phone who’s trying to take a picture of me pissing." ~Big Show, explaining the travails involved in being a larger-than-life public figure: "10 Things That Are Difficult For Big Show": WWE Magazine, August 2006

Edge: "I get off on that. The, to me, is as good as a sex celebration on the couch of Casa de Copeland. Being able to push buttons and have the audience do exactly what I want them to do like I’m their puppeteer. And fans don;t even realize it. That’s the beautiful part of it all." ~Edge, Discussing his ability to manipulate fans; "Suck That!" WWE Magazine, December 2006

All quoted text from WWE Magazine 25 Years Of Magazine Interviews Issues 2008

This magazine is currently on news stands until October 28th

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Quotable’s

This was the WORST ECW SHOW OF ALL TIME. I said I was through before but I came back. No longer.

The only good match of the night was the first fight shown on TV: a tag team match where Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz defeated Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. After that the only matches were the stink-o-rama of Armando Estrada versus Tommy Dreamer and a horrific match between Braden Walker and James Curtis. Who are they you ask? We wondered the same thing.

In between we got a Dirt Sheet and a bunch of promos. I stayed up until 11:00 p.m. for this?

Post from: EveryJoe

Worst ECW Ever

Matt Hardy watches while Mark Henry bends wrought iron
Randy Ortiz def. Chavo Guerrero by DQ
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle
After the match Mike Knox beats up on Finlay
Matt Henry def. Colin Delaney

What’s different about seeing matches in person and watching them on TV? Let see if we can find twenty ways.

1. The announcers have their own elaborate entrances! Well, except for Todd Grisham because he is new. We wonder what Mike Adamle’s theme music was. It’s not like Northwestern University has a marching band, a theme song, or a good sports program like JR’s Oklahoma Sooners. Right?

2. Before the bouts start an disembodied announcer tells the crowd something like “In XX seconds we are going to start filming. Hold your signs up and act like crazed dogs.” We oblige, the lights stream on a the ECW music streams in. “Still standing here/I’m Still Standing Here!!!” Flashbulbs intone and we go insane!!!

3. The indoor pyrotechnics and fireworks are MUCH MUCH louder than you expect. Especially when you’re sitting near the arena roof.

4. The crowd loves nobody more than than Matt and Jeff Hardy.

5. The audience is soooo into it. Nearly everyone has WWE shirts on, kids are draped in fake WWE title belts, they wear Jeff Hardy forearm thingamajigs, WWE hats, and are so excited. The atmosphere is electric. Ric Flair-esque wooooooooooo cheers happen often.

6. Post-production cleans up dialog mistakes made in the ring. For example, Tony Atlas told Matt Hardy that he “lost the ECW Champ…er, the United States Championship” but all you hear in the broadcast is the U.S. Championship part. The production team must hate Tony Atlas; he makes a lot of dialog mistakes.

7. It doesn’t matter how loud you yell stuff — even if you yell at the show’s quietest moments — your brilliant comments are not going to be heard on television. Although I’m really really hoping my “I love you Eve Torres!!!” scream makes it on the air on Friday.

8. The live action does pause in accordance to the commercial break time.

9. I got dirty looks and anger because I was cheering for Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Of course, the hate was from Mrs. Jabandgrapple and not from anyone sitting around us.

10. Nobody thought my “Go Carlito!” comments about Ricky Ortiz were funny. Ricky is also a lot more impressive as a wrestler on TV but his imposing size is more impressive live.

11. The sound of someone hitting the canvas is louder in person than on television.

12. The three hand-held cameramen and two still photographers that circle the ring are extremely good at not being picked up on camera.

13. Evan Bourne is a fast runner and prefers to running to fighting. I think he also hit a few more dropkicks than were broadcast on ECW. There is a lot more action cut from the broadcast than you would expect.

14. When the match goes to commercial the grapplers just sort of lie around in the middle of the ring (or mill about outside the ring), feign pain, and do nothing. So when commercials happen you’re not missing much at all.

15. Tag team match-ups between Miz and Morrison and Finlay and Hornswaggle are played out. No one is interested in these anymore.

16. I think it’s fun seeing Hornswaggle beat to a pulp but few others share my delight.

17. When Mike Knox talks it’s high-pitched and he sounds like a gentle hippie. It’s endearing and he has just gained a fan.

18. The crowd doesn’t care much about Colin Delaney, good or bad. His shtick has run its course.

19. I didn’t miss much when I skipped out on the Hardy-Delaney match early in order to get some fried food goodness.

20. Once ECW ends the crowds empty en masse into the corridors and to the concession stands.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/29 ECW Results: We Were There Edition

That’s right. Mr. and Mrs. Jabandgrapple attended the mega-spectacular show last night and it was just as amazing and fun and we could have imagined. The action began at 7:30 p.m. and didn’t stop until a little after 11:00 p.m. It was exhausting…and we weren’t even wrestling!

We’re not going to tell you who wrestled and who won on SmackDown. No spoilers here. Will tell a short story instead. When we entered the parking lot the cashier asked us “You here for the wrestling?” “Um, yeah,” we answered. “So are you Triple H or Undertaker fans?” Mr. JandG roared back “Taker, of course! Let’s hope he shows up tonight!” Alas, he didn’t. And neither did Triple H. So that was a little disappointing but we got over it.

Which matches won’t you see at home? There were only two. In the ECW Dark Match that opened the show perennial loser Funaki squared off against Nic Nemeth. Funaki got lots of love from the crowd and in return he was gracious and thankful. The match consisted of many awkward stops and bows, lots of toss slams, and, and… I’ll admit it was hard to concentrate on the match given Nemeth’s ridiculous hair cut. It looked like a black cat had adhered itself to the back of his blonde head. As the match progressed the the cat reproduction got mussed around and seemed to move.

Funaki actually won this match and sprinted out of the ring in pure ecstasy. After Nemeth’s loss he was heartlessly booed and taunted. We think it was because of the hair.

The other Dark Match ended the night’s festivities and it really wasn’t much of a match at all. After Edge’s climactic final SmackDown scene (which involved tables, ladders, and chairs!) he was forced back out to the ring by an angry and vengeful Vickie Guerrero. This was her only appearance of the night and I don’t think she’ll even be on Friday’s show.

Vickie told him that he had to fight a no-DQ match against The Big Show. That sounded great to us but clearly not to Edge. Big Show did some of his in-ring slappiness on Edge’s sternum and then the Rated R Superstar sprinted back to the entrance area and left. Big Show chased him down and brought him back but Edge ran away again. This time for good. Big Show stayed, signed some autographs, hugged some kids, and was his typical cuddly self.

Post from: EveryJoe

We Were There! Hershey, Pa. ECW and SmackDown Taping

served by picapp.com

New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

Post from: EveryJoe

7/23 ECW Results: A Tamer ECW

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

I’m beginning to feel sorry for Armando Estrada. It’s doubtful he’ll ever win a match. This week he’s facing someone now known as Braden Walker. I like Teddy Long’s ECW Superstar Initiative but the two we’ve seen thus far – Atlas Ortiz and now Braden Walker – are absolutely uninteresting.

One of Drank’s primary promises is that it will help you “get you lean on” without resorting to harmful cough syrup drinks. After a second glass my lean is definitely on but I’m still also desiring to flatten a few ECW superstars: Mark Henry (after he insults legend Tony Atlas) and Atlas Ortiz (after a stupid bush league segment).

The Tommy Dreamer vs. Mark Henry main event isn’t getting me too excited (or maybe it’s my imbibing). But really, I don’t think Dreamer has a chance unless Henry downs a full case of Drank. Which is possible because Henry was born in and lives within Drank’s southeastern Texas and western Louisiana distribution zone. Tonight’s ECW is also taking place in Baton Rouge, La. Is Drank available there? Yes indeed!

Evan Bourne puts away perennial loser Nunzio with a fantastic Shooting Star back flip from the top rope and not even the Drank can stop me from being excited. He must have been 20-feet in the air. Am I hallucinating? I don’t think so…

There’s like five minutes left in ECW and we’re still at commercial. Do I care? Not really. I’m on my third Drank glass and ECW has gradually become very palatable. And anyway, the less Mark Henry the better.

The clock just turned 11 p.m. and still no match. Am I anxious? Not at all. The match has begun and Dreamer’s horrid fake leather pants actually might be changing my allegiances. Then Henry goes after Colin Delaney but Tony Atlas interrupts and slams the pale dweeb himself and appears to be teaming with The World’s Strongest Man. Someone is disqualified. I’m not sure who but I’m beyond uninterested.

As far as the Drank, I’m pleasantly surprised. The buzz is mild and helpfully relaxing. I’m even going to be able to fall asleep in a strange and uncomfortable bed tonight. Bloggers need vacation too. If only I were vacationing along the Texas Gulf Coast, then I could snatch up another Drank.

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW: The Drank Edition

Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle def. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Atlas Ortiz def. Armando Estrada
Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney

Image details: Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival 2008 – Day 2 served by picapp.com

As we all know, ECW got the serious short end of the WWE Draft stick. Here’s a summary:

Wrestlers (of note) Lost: CM Punk (now WWE Heavyweight Champ); Kane; Kofi Kingston (now Intercontinental Champ); Shelton Benjamin.

Wrestlers Gained: Matt Hardy; Mark Henry; Finlay; Hornswaggle; Super Crazy.

What that means is that I’ve lost four of the seven reasons I watched ECW. The other three being The Miz, Morrison, and Evan Bourne. I’ve gained 1 1/2 reasons to tune in on Tuesday nights (Finlay and Hornswaggle). That leaves me with 4 1/2 reasons to watch which I’m pretty sure is less than seven.

In short, I’m giving this week a shot. ECW has to earn its way onto my Tuesday night schedule.

**

Segment One:
Mark Henry says he’s ECW’s savior. I wonder why I’m watching a show where Henry could be deemed a positive addition. He announces a Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney (!?!?!?) Main Event. I’m confident Tuesday’s will be all mine once again.
Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Two:
Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle vs. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
The only good ECW roster members are ALL in the match (save Evan Bourne) and we predictably get a really good match. Great back and forth action, good wrestling, and good drama.

Segment Grade: B+. Does ECW have a chance? Then again, all six of these guys drifted from brand to brand before the draft so I’m guessing I won’t have to watch ECW to see them again.

**

Segment Three:
To make up for the talent drain ECW is introducing new wrestlers. Teddy Long calls it the “Superstar Initiative.” The first is Atlas Ortiz a/k/a Atlas DaBone a/k/a Rich Young formerly of Florida Championship Wrestling. Atlas is an ex-professional footballer who spent some time on the Kansas City Chiefs practice squad, in the CFL, and in the Arena League. He’s facing Armando Estrada and we’re ready to give him a chance.

But not for long. He’s pretty lifeless in the ring. He’s quick but sluggish and not exciting at all. He’s Interesting looking but utterly uninteresting as a wrestler. Of course he beats Estrada which disappoints us. At least Armando has a personality.

Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Four:
Mark Henry beats super-dweeb Colin Delaney but the match lasts longer than expected. At one point Henry throws Delaney upwards and its a wonder Colin doesn’t hit his head on the Jumbotron. Wilford Brimley’s Liberty Medical commercial about “keeping your diabetes in check” is only slightly less exciting than that bout.

Segment Grade: D. Looks like I’m finally free from ECW and Mark Henry’s ugly mug. Thank heavens.

Image details: Mark Henry USA served by picapp.com

Post from: EveryJoe

7/01 ECW: Give Me A Reason To Love You

***

I think that’s finally it. Fingers crossed. It is. Phew.

RAW get Kofi Kingston
Rey Mysterio gets a high flyer to fight. I’m ecstatic about this swap. Turns out someone has been watching Kofi’s impressive ECW performances these last few weeks.

RAW get Layla
This supplemental draft is longer than the NFL draft. Had I known I would have split this into two posts.

Image details: Performance-Enhancing Supplements Make For Big Business served by picapp.com

SmackDown get Carlito
Please let this mean that Santino Marella is shifting brands as well. It doesn’t.

ECW get Finlay
The writing should have been on the wall after the Hornswaggle switch. Finlay’s a step above the ECW and I’m guessing he’s going to be holding the ECW championship within the year. He’s also been featured on ECW nearly every week for the past few months so this isn’t much of a surprise.

SmackDown get Shelton Benjamin
This is a big one. Shelton is one of my favorite wrestlers and he deserves a step up from ECW. He should do well at SmackDown and I think he could even challenge for a title. Really. By the end of the supplemental draft will ECW have anyone worth watching left?

SmackDown get Maria
My wish has been granted. Wait a second this could be bad news. My local Comcast cable provider doesn’t carry MyNetworkTV in HD. What happens when SmackDown moves away from UPN and I can’t see Maria in hi-def? The horror! The horror!

RAW get Matt Striker
Can we please start drafting the ladies? BTW, props have to go out to the guy who is updating the wrestler profiles on the Wikipedia. That dude is faaaaast!

SmackDown get Brian Kendrick
The genie-pantsed tag team are officially no more and I can’t say I’m that bothered.

RAW get Chuck Palumbo
Good thing I kept hitting F5, no? Does this mean John Cena and Randy Orton are getting custom-made hogs?

***

Since no picks have been announced in the last 20 minutes I’m guessing this supplemental draft is over. Just in case, though, I going to hit F5 on the wwe.com’s supplemental draft page once every thirty seconds for the next three hours. Just in case.

ECW get Super Crazy
I had honestly forgotten that Super Crazy was alive and just assumed he was wrestling in an independent circuit somewhere. [Insert ECW joke here.]

ECW get Hornswaggle
Finally! Someone Colin Delaney can beat. Could ECW have drafted a more unlikely pair than Mark Henry and Hornswaggle?

SmackDown get DH Smith
What’s happened here? ECW gets jobbed out of another pick. Just scandalous. Although my guess is that the Tuesday night brand wouldn’t have gone with Davey Boy’s rarely-wrestling son.

RAW get Deuce
I’m still shocked every time I realize Deuce is my favorite wrestler of all-time’s son. Maybe he’ll get to change his tired gimmick as well.

Image details: Levi’s Self-Engineered Tour served by picapp.com

SmackDown get Big Daddy V
SmackDown was so downtrodden to have lost Mark Henry, a gross-looking gargantuan strongman, that they had to pick up another gross-looking gargantuan strongman as soon as possible. Has Big Daddy V actually wrestled in 2008? Just wondering.

SmackDown get Trevor Murdoch
The Lance Cade schism has been finalized. We’re ambivalent. We’ve heard that the only thing Jim Ross liked about moving to SmackDown was leaving behind Murdoch’s singing. Too bad JR. Vince is out to get you.

RAW get Jamie Noble
The little guy couldn’t win in SmackDown and it’s doubtful he’ll be able to pull off any W’s in the larger RAW. He will probably lose to Rey Mysterio for the remainder of 2008.

ECW get Mark Henry
I’m confused. Wasn’t he already in ECW? Because, as Me’shell Ndegeocello says, he was last night.

The rest of the wrestler wresting has commenced. Let’s see if ECW gets somebody worthwhile. Be forewarned, I’m guessing this draft is largely going to be a snoozefest. Especially since wwe.com hasn’t given it a cool flash graphic. So disappointing.

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE 2008 Supplemental Draft

These last two picks and the final match are going to have to be pretty darn great to get me into a good mood. Lucky for me, they are.

Match/Draft Pick #9 and #10
The last match is a 15-man Royal Rumble with 5 representatives from each brand. RAW looks pretty stacked but since pre-match RAW had 4 wrestler picks, SmackDown 2, and ECW 1 it’s clear that a SmackDown fighter is going to prevail.

The competitors have matching T-shirts which Mrs. Jabandgrapple thinks are darling. It’s a pretty good Royal Rumble highlighted by a vicious clash of heads between Batista and Edge. Batista’s head is gashed open and he oozes blood. The Animal is dazed for about five minutes before Big Show mercifully lifts him over the top rope. Batista clearly has a concussion. Let’s hope he can fight on Sunday.

The last four competitors are John Cena (RAW), HHH (RAW), Big Show (SmackDown) and Edge (SmackDown). Big Show is a perennial Royal Rumble favorite since he’s approximately 2,000 pounds. This doesn’t deter the RAW tandem who gang up on him and flip him over the top rope. Edge spends much of this time prone on the canvas. He too looks a little dazed and might also have a concussion from the Batista clash of heads.

Cena and HHH can’t contain their anger and attack each other. Edge capitalizes on their impetuousness and knocks them both out of the ring.

After the match and after Vince McMahon gives away $500,000 the stage collapses around him, he’s trapped, and finally wheeled out by EMT staff. We’re thinking amnesia or an altered personality as an excuse to stop giving away the money.

SmackDown Draft pick #1: Mr. Kennedy

Draft Grade: B+ The RAW stable was getting crowded and Kennedy is poised for bigger and better things on SmackDown.

SmackDown Draft pick #2: Triple H

Draft Grade: A- The snarling Cerberus of Orton-HHH-Cena has finally been separated. Thank heavens! The Night of Champions title matches just go a lot more interesting. I say Batista brings the World Heavyweight Championship to RAW while Triple H retains the WWE Title and takes that to SmackDown.

Overall Analysis: B-
The 2008 WWE Draft made a pretty big statement by moving Triple H away from RAW. That could sufficiently shake up the boring re-match PPV scene all by itself. Most of the picks turned out to be swaps of similar wrestlers. The brand landscapes haven’t changed that much.

Who wins the swaps, we wondered:

Rey Mysterio (RAW) vs. Jeff Hardy (SmackDown): PUSH
CM Punk (RAW) vs. Mr. Kennedy (SmackDown): SmackDown
Batista (RAW) vs. Triple H (SmackDown): RAW
Kane (RAW) vs. Umaga (SmackDown): RAW by a nose

So RAW wins by a nose but overall I’d have to give the edge (pardon the pun) to SmackDown.

The real loser was Matt Hardy and the ECW. Matt doesn’t have the ability to headline a brand like Kane or his brother. We can only hope that ECW’s dearth of draft picks means a talent import from other wrestling promotions.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Draft 2008 Picks #9, #10 and Overall Analysis