Does this make you uncomfortable?

I was planning on writing this post as diplomatically and professionally as possible, but after hours of research , you know what?

Eff that.

Hate and judgment make me sick. I find it disgusting how hateful, malicious and callous people can be.

If you are unaware of the Fat Acceptance movement, please head here or here to read up on it a bit.

I have spent the past week reading fat acceptance blogs, (my favorite of which is Big Fat Deal)  and the debate seems to be this:

“Please do not judge me based on my appearance, and do not be offended by my mere presence.”

“Then stop being so freaking fat.”

“I know I am fat, and society does not think this is beautiful, but I deserve the same amount of respect as anyone else.”

“Too bad, fattie.”

I searched desperately for a valid, or even coherent, opposition to the fat acceptance movement, and amidst the prejudiced, malicious and hurtful insults, the closest I have found is “being fat is unhealthy.”

I feel I have a bit of a unique perspective on this as I am a female, 21 year old, ex-bulimic, personal trainer.

The personal trainer in me gets this argument. Being overweight increases your risk of heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and diabetes. That’s sweet you are concerned about the welfare of others, but can I ask why?

As a personal trainer, I care about the health of my clients. I care because they pay me to.

Kidding.

My clients come to me because they want help. They know that I know how to help them- its my job. I don’t see it as my personal mission to chase down every fat person I see on the street and tell them I want to “help” them. It would be like if someone flagged me down on the street and told me my shoes were hideous to “help” me with my fashion sense.  Under this logic, it would magically be able to pick out better clothes, but in actuality, Iwould probably spend the next 3 days curled up in my closet hugging my Frye boots.

People come in to my studio and the first thing they say is “I want to lose X amount of weight.” When asked why, they usually respond, “because then I will finally be happy with myself.” Once we get going with training, however, they start to feel better about themselves before they drop a single pounds. they strart to feel better for having made a healthy lifestyle change, sticking with something consistently and doing something just for themselves. They discover they can be happy without hitting that goal, because the weight isn’t the issue.

I have clients that feel the need to apologize for the way they look. Its me, them and a rack of dumbbells, yet they feel the need to agree with that they THINK I am thinking.

“I just wish I could get rid of this pooch.”

“I have too much arm flab.”

“Ugh, I hate my thighs.”

At first, I never really got this, but now I do. At first I didn’t know what to say, but now I say “Hey, it’s just me. You don’t have to do that.” They are so used to having to apologize for being overweight and for their appearance to other people that they fall into that habit. They don’t want people to think they are ok with it, so if they say it first, then they don’t have to hear someone else say it. It soon passes as they get to know me better and know that I don’t care about that crap.  they begin to relax and let their guard down. Eventually, they will even be comfortable enough to express pride in the fact they dropped a few pounds, even if they have double digits to go. All it takes is a little acceptance and its amazing what it can do for the self esteem. And that’s when we really start to see results. They begin to feel happier, and feel better about themselves: they begin to WANT to get healthy, as before they didn’t feel like they deserved it.

I know this feeling well. As most of you know, I used to be bulimic. In the midst of it, I thought I just didn’t want to get fat. I would do anything not to be fat. Being thin was a physical sign that I was strong. People could look at me and see by my gaunt features and protruding bones and know that I did not need food like everyone else- I was stronger than everyone else. I would see fat people out smiling and laughing, while i had spent the past week splitting my time between an open fridge door and having my head i nthe toilet. i didnt understand how someone could be happy while being the very thing i was most scared of in the world. It wasn’t fair. It didn’t make sense. I was jealous of the very thing i spent so much time and engergy trying to avoid becoming.

After years of counseling I discovered this wasn’t the case. It had nothing to do with food or weight. My disorder was a physical manifestation of me feeling like I was not worth the space I took up. In actuality, I had NO control over my food consumption. The anxiety would be so great inside of me that all I could think about was eating until I was physically sick. Being full was the only time I felt ok- I wasn’t anxious because I didn’t want anymore food (and in most cases couldn’t physically fit any more food inside of my body) and I wasn’t anxious because I knew in a few minutes I would get rid of it and have no worries about gaining an ounce. After a binge was the only time i could ever truely relax. I know what it is like to find solace in a gallon of ice cream.

As soon as I figured out what caused my disorder, its power over me broke. As soon as I learned that I was worth something, and that I didn’t need anyone else to tell me so, as long as I felt it, it was like my urge to continually be controlled by something as stupid as food was gone. I was better than this. I deserved to be happy. I was worth something. I was a beautiful human being with things to offer the world (enter personal training and Every Gym’s Nightmare.) I could show people that they can get healthy and enjoy life as well, but it doesn’t start with food, it starts with knowing that you are worth it. A diet didn’t teach me that.

While I had a “weight problem,” I have never been overweight. I was severely underweight, and caused irreparable damage to my body, but to most people, it wasn’t obvious. Unless you knew me before, you would not have looked at me gone “That girl is a bulimic.” It was hard enough to recover, but I could hide it. Strangers didn’t need to know I was sick. I didn’t have to explain myself or be ashamed or made fun of or watch the news and see candid shots of faceless skinny girls walking down the street. I don’t know if I would have made it if I had.

Everyone has something wrong with them by society‘s definition, be it depression, a disease, and eating disorder, a handicap, a disability, a disfigurement, addiction, abuse, etc.

We, as a society, are accepting of this, are supportive with our concerns, our charities, our awareness campaigns. We are supportive, that is, until they try and sit next to us on a bus, engage in small talk in the check out line, or try and work in our businesses.

Everyone has something that is wrong with them and its just unfortunate that some people can’t hide their’s as easily as others. If someone has AIDS, you most likely wont know it to look at them. If someone is fat- you know it. Not only do you know it, but you can make inferences to their personality: they are lazy and unhealthy. And they don’t care. If they did they wouldn’t not be so fat, right?

My boyfriend is a smoker. Most of my close friends are. They aren’t stupid, they know it isn’t good for them. They usually talk about quitting in between puffs because they hack up brown shit in the mornings. Making them smoke 25ft from any doors and windows (Washington law, I don’t know how many other states have the same one) does not keep them from smoking. It just makes them angry when they have to stand out in the Seattle rain, or dodge cars in areas where 25ft from doors and windows is the middle of the street. I know smoking isn’t good, and even with my boyfriend, it isn’t my place to nag him about it until he gets the urge to burn me with one. I know it wont work. I do, however, get angry right along with him when people walk by and make comments about him polluting the air or getting cancer. Do you think they really care about his health? Do you think they believe that one cigarette will kill them of second hand smoke? No, they just care when something they do not like encroaches on their personal space or beliefs. Or makes them uncomfortable, which is what I feel is the major driving force behind the opposition to the fat acceptance movement.

Not all overweight people are unhealthy, and those that are, already know it. They do not need you to ridicule and demean them. Perhaps they need some love? Perhaps if you show them an ounce of kindness they will feel as though they deserve to be happy and healthy? Perhaps if you see them as more than their weight they won’t think everyone finds them so disgusting, and they will want to take care of their body, instead of loath it? Or perhaps you should just mind your own damn business, because they are on their way to work and don’t know you from Adam.

Obviously, as a fitness writer, my audience is a bit skewed. You would not be reading this site if you were not more concerned about your health than the average person (or you are related to me.) Maybe using the platform “its not healthy” is just a way to further separate yourself from “them.” Maybe its fear. Maybe everyone is thinking “there is NO WAY I could be happy at that size, so those claiming to be have to be lying. Or if they are happy, they shouldn’t be, so lets knock them down a few pegs.”

Women are subjected to unrealistic body ideals everyday and I don’t know a single woman than can say she does not feel pressure to be thin and beautiful from society. Do we really need fan this flame by deflecting it to those “worse off’ than we are? Where are your hearts?

Personally, I feel that someone that can find beauty in themselves, even when the entire world is telling them they are ugly, is the strongest, healthiest example of a human being. I both admire and applaud you.