“It Was Fun, Gyratin’ And Gruntin’ In Front Of All Them Liberal Media Types”

Governor Denies Relationship With Former Knick Charles Oakley

New York – Following news that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin secretly signed an incentive-laden, deferred contract to play for the NBA’s New York Knicks beginning November 5^th,  eTrueSports has learned of a previous personal and business relationship between Palin and the team.

In an exhaustive, no-spandex-left-untouched investigation, eTS has established that Sarah Palin spent two seasons as a Knick City Dancer in the late 1990s.

When reached on the campaign trail, deep in Idaho’s Bitter Root Mountains, Palin admitted she had danced at Madison Square Garden, but denied rumors linking her romantically with then Knick power forward Charles Oakley.

“Charles and me, we were cool,” Palin said. “But that’s all there was to it.” As for dancing, Palin says she was proud to have made the Knicks’ dance team, despite being 15 years older than her colleagues.

“It was fun, gyratin’ and gruntin’ in front of all the liberal media types,” she said. “They slobbered themselves somethin’ silly.”

Palin dismissed a report that as part of her new player contract with the Knicks that she would be required to once again don spandex. “It’s my choice,” explained Palin. “Maybe for one of the fellas birthdays I might do a cake routine. We’ll see.”

In addition, Palin expressed frustration that the Vice-Presidential campaign was infringing on her basketball practice time, candidly admitting she was having trouble mastering the lay-up shot. “Usually I just bomb from the outside,” Palin said.

Post from: EveryJoe

Sarah Palin a Former Knicks Chick?

The fake fireworks and lip-synching Chinese girl didn’t escape our notice, so hats off to Frank Coffey and the Goodfellas at eTrueSports (yes, we’re the only ones who call them that; no, we haven’t the slightest notion why) for going the extra step. Their heads-up journalism added this little nugget to Beijing’s optical illusion repertoire.

Like The Fireworks, Like The Kid Singer, Was Matt Lauer Fake?

“He’s All Too Real,” says NBC Spokesman

New York – Following news that the Olympic Opening Ceremony’s fireworks and signature song were both faked, NBC is denying a report that event co-host, Matt Lauer was, in fact, a CGI-created version of himself.

Celebrity blog TMZ broke the story shortly after London’s Telegraph newspaper revealed that the spectacular “live” fireworks NBC aired during the Olympic Opening Ceremony were, in fact, computer generated graphics. In other words, they were phony.

Then came news that the lovely Chinese child supposedly singing Ode To the Motherland was miming, a replacement for the real singer whose buck-teeth were deemed by Chinese officials as too unattractive to appear on television. Further fakery.

That got the TMZ folks thinking about Mr. Lauer performance co-anchoring the Opening Ceremonies.

“We analyzed ‘Lauer’s’ speech and movement and found them to be oddly wooden, even for him,” said a TMZ spokesman. “When we compared ‘Lauer’s’ routine to Disney’s WALL-E, we found eerie similarities.”

Further TMZ examination suggested that the life-like “Matt Lauer” – watched by the largest audience in television history, over 4 billion worldwide – was modeled with Houdini software, rendered in Pixar’s RenderMan software program, and was literally a cartoon.

In other words, like the fireworks, like the kid singer, Matt Lauer was fake.

“We believe the purported Matt Lauer figure on American’s television screens during last Friday’s Opening Ceremonies was animated,” said the TMZ spokesman. “If so, this may be the biggest hoax in American media history.”

An NBC statement made clear the network was not denying that Lauer is animated – as in “endowed with life or the qualities of life” – pointing out these are qualities the Today co-host “often evidences on weekday mornings” – but, rather, denying that on Friday night the Matt Lauer the world saw was an animated cartoon figure.

“Trust me, he’s all too real,” said an NBC official who asked not to be identified.

“I am full of vigor and spirit,” said Lauer in a statement also denying the report. “Just ask the craft service people about trying to stop me from grabbing extra donuts.”

Post from: EveryJoe

First the Fireworks, then the Milli Vanilli Chinese Girl, and now . . . Matt Lauer?

What you haven’t heard, but you will now (thanks to Frank Coffey and the Goodfellas at eTrueSports), is that Donaghy won’t be shackled quietly. Cue the violins and check out this one-of-a-kind footage of Tim Donaghy giving 11 reasons why he should have a lighter sentence.  

Post from: EveryJoe

Tim Donaghy Pleas for Lighter Sentence?

Maybe someone should ask John Madden? Or at least Frank Caliendo doing John Madden?

Anyway, Frank Coffey and his Goodfellas at eTrueSports did their usual digging for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and here’s what they came up with the other day on the Favre front.

Top Eleven Messages on Brett Favre’s Cell

11.  “This is Brad, call me back on a pay phone.”

10.  “You kidding? Minneapolis is much warmer!”

9.    “Go west on I-94 to Cedar, take a left and a quarter mile down there’s a diner … “

8.   “No, Jesse Ventura is not the governor anymore and, no, you won’t have to shake his hand.”

7.   “Okay, okay, we’ll set the thermostat to 78.”

6.   “You’ll never have to see some dope wearing cheese on his head again. It’s illegal in Minnesota. Really.”

5.   “Tell Deena the schools are great.”

4.    ”Brett, this is Coach McCarthy, please call me back.”

3.   “The Twin cities is really a misnomer, you won’t ever have to set foot in St. Paul.”

2.   “Just deny everything, they can’t prove nuthin.’”

1.   “You can run around as much as you want, we hate set plays!”

Post from: EveryJoe

Brett Favre’s Cell Phone Messages

This 8 to 5 concept called “work” has kept our sorry bottom from parking in front of the TV to watch Wimbledon all day (except for today), but we have kept up with lives scores and the latest updates.

The early exits of Novak Djokovic, Maria Sharapova (yay! Glad she’s gone!), Andy Roddick, and Ana Ivanovic were, of course, big news this week. We thought all those top seeds dropping was a little sketchy, and now Frank Coffey and his band of merry men (and women) at eTrueSports confirmed our suspicions that something was up . . .

Sour Clotted Cream Called Culprit In Major Upsets

Wimbledon, England – The unprecedented string of upsets seen at Wimbledon’s 2008 Championships, which has already claimed top-seeded Ana Ivanovic and No. 3 seed Maria Sharapova on the women’s side, and No. 3 seed Novak Djokovic, No. 6 Andy Roddick and No. 9  James Blake on the men’s, is being blamed on sour clotted cream.

“I hope this doesn’t sound like sour grapes, well, cream,” said Sharapova, “but the bowl of strawberries and cream I ate was rancid, and because I have a cold I couldn’t smell it.”

“What ever happened to quality control?” said an angry Andy Roddick. “I’m out because of a spoiled milk product? This stinks.” 

In a possibly related development, Lindsay Davenport withdrew today from the tournament, citing a knee injury. However, sources close to the ever-polite Davenport reported that the ex-champion, after consuming two punnets of strawberries dressed with  cream and sugar after dinner last night, said: “I just made a big mistake.”

Wimbledon officials are hotly denying the sour clotted cream rumors. “Our clotted cream is the world’s finest,” said a spokesman, before implying that the rumors may have been spread by “disgruntled Danish dairy farmers seeking competitive advantage.”

The Wimbledon official’s claim was immediately rejected by Denmark’s Queen Margrethe II who, in unusually blunt language, said “curdle this you English snobs.”

Post from: EveryJoe

That Explains All Those Wimbledon Upsets

Welcome to the world of Mariah Carey as told by Frank Coffey and the Goodfellas over there at the always tongue-in-cheek eTrueSports:

Kansas City – Mariah Carey yesterday turned down a $3 million incentive-laden contract offer from the struggling Kansas City Royals when the team refused to agree to let the pop diva sing the national anthem. 

The Royals’ offer and Carey’s last-of-the-ninth decision began when a Royals scout saw Carey throw a first pitch before a game between the Yomiuri Giants and the Rakuten Eagles, at the Tokyo Dome on May 28. The scout called Royals GM Dayton Moore and recommended they immediately sign the chunky right-hander. “She’s got a great sinker,” reported the scout.

Moore called Carey’s representatives who quickly indicated the singer’s interest. Carey, who had reportedly trained hard for her Japanese debut, was intrigued at the prospect of picking up a baseball career that was interrupted when she was dismissed from the Harborfields High School (Long Island, NY) softball team during her sophomore season for undisclosed “rules violations.”

A deal was quickly struck and as just as quickly fell apart. The sticking point? Carey request that she be allowed to regularly sing the national anthem at Kauffman Stadium.

“We all ready got a singer,” said Dayton Moore, apparently not a fan of Carey’s music,  “one who can carry a tune. We need a pitcher.”

With the precision of a 3-2 cutter on the black, Carey’s baseball career abruptly ended with a called strike three. 

“I’m hurt and disappointed,” said Carey through a representative. “I talked to Derek last night” (Jeter, the New York Yankees shortstop who Carey has been romantically linked with) “and he said I’d really be able to help the Royals straighten out their staffs.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Mariah Carey: From First Pitch to Would-Be KC Royal?

But as Frank Coffey and the Goodfellas at eTrueSports discovered, it doesn’t end there:

“A Double Lutz in a runback?” says Parcells. “That’s got TD written all over it.”

Miami – “We have a zero tolerance policy for losers,” said Bill Parcells, Miami Dolphins vp of football operations, in announcing that Jason Taylor, a second place finisher on Dancing With The Stars, would not return to the Dolphins.

Then came a bigger bombshell. Miami has signed Kristi Yamaguchi, Dancing’s first place winner, to run back punts and kickoffs. If she makes the opening day roster, Yamaguchi will be the first female Olympic figure skater to play in a regular season NFL game.

“This league has never seen a double lutz in a runback,” said Parcells, “its gonna put Kristi in the end zone a lot.”

In 2000 Tonya Harding appeared in two pre-season games as a linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, before failing a mandatory IQ test.

A bitter Taylor accused Bill Parcells of letting personal “preferences” influence his football decisions. “He spends a lot of time hanging around skating rinks, that’s all I’m gonna say,” said Taylor.

In the past, Parcells has been linked with former Olympians Peggy Fleming and, more recently, Nancy Kerrigan, who he once signed to a ten-day contract as a wide receiver during his tenure as New England Patriot coach and general manager.

“Kristi’s tough but sweet too,” said an unconcerned Parcells, “Jason Taylor is neither.”

About Kerrigan, Parcells said: “It turned out Nance couldn’t catch, but she was a fun girl to be around.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Will the Dolphins Pick Kristi Yamaguchi Over Jason Taylor?

See, just when you think every angle of a story has been covered, Frank Coffey and his eTrueSports Goodfellas prove once again that they dig deeper than any other news organization. (As for what they dig—who are we to judge?)

New York – Bob Watson, MLB’s dean of discipline, has handed Shelley Duncan an additional punishment resulting from last week’s Yankee-Tampa Rays flareup, ordering the Yankee first baseman to write, “I will not slide into second base with my spikes high,” 500 times on college-ruled paper.

“Bummer,” said a subdued Duncan.

Rays manager, Joe Maddon, all ready incensed at the lightness of Duncan’s three-game suspension, erupted again at this new penalty. ”He pulls a punk-ass stunt and this is all he gets? Anybody can write!”

Hours after the Watson ruling, sources close to eTrueSports reported a Duncan sighting at a Staples office supply store in Bradenton, FL not far from the Yankee’s Tampa spring training base where he was observed purchasing a box of No. 2 lead pencils and three yellow legal pads.

“He was wearing a black Fedora and a trenchcoat,” said the source. “But the flip flops gave him away, Shelley loves flip flops.”

Our take? It could have been worse. He could have been forced to write “I will not act out S & M fantasies on the baseball field.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Duncan’s Penalty Goes Beyond Suspension, Fines

The other day he yapped about the concept of Red Sox Nation being “a bunch of [waste product originating from a bull].” Following that, Boston Red Sox principal owner John Henry granted him membership into said concept identified as a bunch of waste product originating from a bull (i.e., Red Sox Nation).

And now, our pal Hank’s lucky streak continues. Check out the story below, undercovered by Frank Coffey and his coterie of top-notch investigative satirists journalists at eTrueSports.com.

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 Steinbrenner Will Receive “Idiot Son of the Year” Award

“If You Just Keep Opening Your Mouth Good Things Will Happen”

 Crawford, TX – The New York Yankees’ Hank Steinbrenner will receive The American Sterilization Society’s “Idiot Son of the Year Award” at the group’s annual gala to be held this year in Crawford, TX. “I dreamed this day would come,” said Steinbrenner, “but, to be honest, I never imagined it would happen so quickly. I guess this proves that if you just keep opening your mouth, good things will happen. I’m thrilled.”

“Hank Steinbrenner is the embodiment of what we are all about,” said an  American Sterilization Society (A.S.S.) spokesman.

The prestigious ISY (“eye-see”) award will be presented by James Dolan, major domo of the NBA’s New York Knickerbockers, and himself the son of a successful (and proud) father, mega-mogul Charles Dolan, owner of Cablevision.  

“Hank and I are kindred spirits,” said Dolan, Jr. in a written statement, “this is extremely cool.”

Steinbrenner’s father, George Steinbrenner, known as “The Boss” was well known for his headline-grabbing quotes, including this now iconic pearl: “Some guys can lead through genuine respect, I’m not that kind of leader.”

This week, The Boss’s son did his father proud when he told The New York Times Play magazine: “(America) is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

“I’m a big Hank fan,” said Red Sox owner John Henry in a telephone interview with eTrueSports, “he’s truly deserving of the ISY Award.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Hank Steinbrenner: Award Winner?