–Headlines and Stories Ripped Off From Today’s News Events–
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In Surprise Statement, North Korean Leader Announces Plans To Anoint Son As Heir To Power
Even More Surprising … Somebody Slept With Kim Jong-Il

Sexy devil
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General Motors Set To Become Latest Entry in Guinness World Record Book
Repeated Description In Media of New Company as ‘Lean, Government-Owned Entity’ Tops Old Record for Oxymoron Usage
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51-Year-Old Mom Guilts Teen Sons Into Committing Armed Robbery
On the Plus Side, Was Said To Be Totally Cool About Kids Downloading Porn
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‘Britain’s Got Talent’ Singer Susan Boyle Taken To Clinic
Suffers From Exhaustion Upon Hearing She’ll Have to Learn Another B’way Song …read more

– New Plan Pegs Salaries of Everyone In Country At Minimum Wage –
Under expansive new powers granted to him by members of Congress claiming expansive new powers, Treasury Secretary Geithner announced his latest plan to control the U.S. economy: Everyone in the country will work and get paid minimum wage.
Appearing before apparatchiks fellow comrades a group of Senators in Washington, Geithner explained, “Trying to decide who should get paid what was getting too complicated and taking too much of my time, so I thought ‘Why not reduce everyone to the lowest common denominator?’ It’ll be easier and it’s …read more

— Stories Ripped-Off From Today’s Headlines —
Treasury Sec’y Geithner Says Other CEOs Could Be Forced Out, Cites Need For Gov’t To Do ‘Exceptional Things’
Claims Administration Is Committed But ‘It Will Be Difficult’ To Change Economy To Total Socialism In Under A Year

“I’m just saying, you’re going to want to protect your balls through this whole process…”
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Have It Your Way
Dude Trying To Rob Burger King Shot By Pistol-Packing Customer

One Whopper, hold your fire…
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Newspaper Revitalization Act To Allow Newspapers to Operate as Non-Profits for Educational Purposes
New ‘National Enquirer’ Science Text To Include Two-Headed Monkey Boy and Reincarnated Elvis
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Postal …read more

Headlines Ripped Off From Today’s News…
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Baby Hippo Won’t Be Fed To Tigers, Zoo Says
Patrons Looking For Ticket Refunds Urged to Call Special Hotline Number To Prevent Switchboard Jam

Tasty, Tasty Hippo
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Baby Hippo Won’t Be Fed To Tigers, Zoo Says
Zoo Director Says Donations of Bichon Frises Welcome

After struggling with the concept for most of the semester, it finally became clear to Marshmallow what Darwin meant by ’survival of the fittest’…
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Number One Ranked Tarheels Survive Scare
Most Players Said To Be Facing Lockers When Coach Roy Williams Dropped Towel and Bent Over to Pick It Up
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Obama Says Economy ‘Not As Bad As We Think’
Thanks …read more

‘Soak The Rich’ Laundry Detergent Guaranteed to Remove Productive Citizens from the Economy; Now In New Geithner-Lilac Scent …
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
D.C. Products’ New ‘Soak The Rich!’ Formula Will Revolutionize The Way You View the Economy

Washington, D.C. — March 8, 2009 — D.C. Products is proud to announce its new, technologically-advanced laundry detergent and pre-soak called “Soak The Rich!” which is guaranteed to get rid of those stubborn capitalists who drive your economy.
D.C. Products truly believes this product will revolutionize the way you think about your economy.
Appealing to the baser instincts of people everywhere, Soak The Rich! …read more

Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do
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Fans Flock To Britney Spears Concert Despite Lip Synching
Concert Attendees Offer To Pay With Counterfeit Money

Consumer Reports says Pussycat Dolls offers more boobs and real singing for less money
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Fans Flock To Britney Spears Concert Despite Lip Synching
Tour Offers Chance To Trot Out Your Favorite Classic Britney Jokes

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Ted Kennedy Knighted
Sword Slips During Ceremony, Senator Loses Three Pints of 25-Year-Old Scotch Before EMTs Can Stop Bleeding
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Treasury Sec’y Geithner Testifies Before Senate Panel
Angers Senators By Claiming Rest Of Keebler Elves Couldn’t Make It, Promises to Bring Cookies Next Time

Treasury Sec’y removed hat while testifying…
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Treasury Sec’y Geithner …read more