Inevitably it will be an Australian player, and the BBC has it tipped to be Stuart Clark. My gut feeling is that it will be Shane Warne, but only because as the retiring golden boy, the powers that be will feel obliged to choose him, irrespective of the snub on Glenn McGrath or Justin Langer.

If I were picking it, though, it would go to Mike Hussey – the man has (for the mostpart) been an immovable stalwart and his average for the series backs it up.

Post from: EveryJoe

Ashes player of the series?

Mate, am watching the cricket at the MCG. Can’t believe what a shocker. Hope you’ve had a good Xmas. Annabelle is still super hot.

Despite being incredibly jealous at my non-cricket-loving friend who was both watching the cricket at the MCG with 90,000 other people and also spending the day with Annabelle, who is, apparently, still as hot today as she was when I first met her some 10 years ago at a small house party in Melbourne, I was inclined to agree with him. I was, admittedly, considerably worse for wear having spent the day making merry and was lying on my couch the wrong side of several bottles of red wine (my head is currently reminding me of that fact, and my stomach is questioning whether I should really yet be out of bed), but the word “shocker” does seem to be fairly appropriate to describe the events of the first day of the 4th test. They were hardly surprising, though.

Choosing to bat after winning the toss was a brave decision by Freddie. The weather was fairly miserable, it was very overcast, the pitch was wet and the conditions really looked perfect for seam and swing bowling. Lee, McGrath and Clark all had fun and sent down many an unplayable delivery, but it took, you guessed it, Shane Warne to really do the damage. No doubt the pressure that built up from some very tight bowling from the seamers, resulting in an impossibly slow run rate added to it, but it seems the epic occasion, that is, being on the hunt for your 700th wicket, in your home ground, playing in your last test there was just the incentive Warne needed to take a memorable 5fer. Andrew Strauss battled long and hard for a well-earned even 50 but became Warne’s 700th bunny and then no other England batsman put up any real resistance. It really was business as usual as England crumpled to 159 all out – the memories of Adelaide were all too clear and present. Australia ended the day on 48-2.

England might be reasonably happy with 159. Paul Collingwood had a full set of lucky escapes and Andrew Symonds was right to look mystified by Rudi Koertzen’s evidently finger glued to the inside of his trousers. But on such a large ground, with a wet outfield, this is going to be a low scoring game as boundaries were difficult to come by. It was Australia’s day though, again, given that out of the 16 days of cricket played so far in this series, Australia can lay claim to at least 15 of them, and their bowling certainly rubbished any suggestions that they may have lost focus surrounding Warne and McGrath’s decisions to retire, instead they seem determined to make the most of the time they have left together. About the only negative was the Australian fielding, with Hayden and Gilchrist both dropping sitters. Gilchrist had a shocker all round, though, missing a stumping of KP off Warne. Fortunately Warne already had the 700th by then. Flintoff was all at sea again, and KP played a typical innings – edgy, risky and inspired little confidence.

In spite of England’s dismal performance, I would still dearly loved to have been in the MCG, surrounded by 90,000 other people, including Annabelle. The noise, the atmosphere, it must have been amazing. I’m not even going make predictions for Day 2, as it’s fairly obvious that England need to dismiss Australia quickly and cheaply. Should they fail, then 4-0 is looking inevitable.

Post from: EveryJoe

Melbourne : Day 1 : Too much pressure (for England)

I’d be surprised to hear the news, from either man, since despite all the gossip that they’re old and tired, neither bowler has really shown much evidence of that in this series. But if, sorry, when, Warne takes his 700th test wicket, to become the first bowler to ever take 700 test wickets, that might signal that he can’t go much better. The only thing that will stop him is the threat of Murali just 25 wickets behind him.

Post from: EveryJoe

Warne to quit after Ashes?

Jones drops an inside edge off Anderson. I’m not bothered, I don’t even like cricket. Hussey then swings Anderson away for four before pushing one into the covers to complete a crushing six-wicket victory.

That was the biggest load of rubbish I have ever seen. Lots of Aussies going berserk in Adelaide, lots of Englishmen looking like they’ve arrived home to find the French doors have been smashed and their new plasma TV’s been stolen. Thanks for staying with me for the last 10 days – it’s been a mix of emotions, but mainly depression and boredom, with a bit of anger and embarrassment thrown in. I’m off to Venice this weekend though, that should be nice, they don’t even know what cricket is there. Bye.

And the fans of Test Match special were no less ashamed of their teams performances. Fortunately, though, due to the profanity filter, the worst words repeatedly uttered were “atrocious”, “abysmal” and “abject”. I would make a joke about all the words beginning with “a”, but then “spineless” has cropped up on more than one occasion.

Predictably, though, those with an axe to grind and have started calling for the heads of a few key personel of the England set up. Far and away first on the chopping block is England coach Duncan Fletcher. He is being criticised for many things, notably his team selection, his apparent lack of any cricketing knowledge whatsoever and his defensive and negative tactics:

• This drivel from Fletcher about batting down to number 8.
• Fletcher is too conservative and now that has cost us the Ashes
• For the first time Fletcher has to take some of the blame
• Will Fletcher admit he got it wrong? I doubt it

I’ve seen calls for Fletcher to resign – or be sacked. Some people are also advocating sweeping changes to the side. The debate over Read/Jones and Giles/Panesar has rared up again, not to mention cutting any of Strauss, Cook and Anderson from the side. The irate pundits seem to be in favour of bringing in Mahmood, Panesar and Read convinced that had these players been picked from the start that things would have gone completely differently.

“My gramps just wanted to get this in: ‘Giles is the worst spinner in Tests ever. Gramps should know, he’s pushing 90…’”

According to some, a half-fit Vaughan and Simon Jones on crutches would be better than the current lineup. A lot of people are rueing Strauss’s early and incorrect second innings dismissal. Most are blaming the loss on Giles’s first innings drop of Ponting. King Freddie has had his captaincy questioned, but for the mostpart has come through relatively unscathed.

My verdict?

Without wishing to sound like I’m on the fence, but I think it’s impossible to pin this defeat on an individual. I believe a lot of mistakes have been made all over the place, each one culminating in this epic loss.

So here are my thoughts:

1. Fletcher has made errors in selection but he can’t be blamed for batsmen, such as Strauss and Cook, failing to score runs
2. The likes of Giles and Jones shouldn’t be expected to clean up the top order’s mistakes and relied on to score big runs
3. Fletcher’s plan to have Giles and Jones in on the strength of their batting was erroneous, since so far they’ve given no sign that they could have done any better than their replacements
4. It’s impossible to say whether Panesar and/or Read would have had a significant or sufficient impact on the game to alter the outcome
5. Neither Giles nor Jones have vindicated their inclusion in the side
6. Panesar is almost certainly not the answer to England’s problems. Despite showing some excellent form in the series he has played in, were he to be included in the side now, the amount of hype and buildup surrounding him, not to mention the not inconsiderable amount of barracking from the Australians will affect his performance
7. He probably couldn’t do a lot worse than Giles, though
8. Flintoff’s captaincy has been uninspired
9. Flintoff’s captaincy has been detrimented by the overall poor performances by and lack of support from his bowlers
10. Strauss wouldn’t necessarily have done any better as captain, but it perhaps would have eased the pressure on Fred to allow him to think more about his batting
11. One or two players have had moments of genius, but moments alone do not win 5 day test matches
12. Fletcher truly is in between a rock and a hard place – either make big changes and risk the team getting much worse, or not make the changes and see no improvement in England’s fortune. Either way he’s going to cop a lot of stick over the coming weeks
13. Fletcher will certainly not be England coach beyond this series
14. England as a unit have not significantly changed from the 90’s era where losing was par for the course, despite some successes in recent times

I could go on and on. There is no easy solution to the problem. Despite the impossible situation that England now find themselves in, I’m certainly no fair weather fan and I’m still behind England. I’m certainly not cancelling my subscription to Sky Sports or complaining about being let down having spent my hard earned money on a holiday to Australia like a lot of “fans” I’ve seen.

I’m still clutching on to that last glimmer of hope that England might feasibly snatch a draw from the series. As this test match has shown, anything is possible.

Post from: EveryJoe

Ashes backlash begins

My main concern now, though, is assuming England can post 450-500 for their first innings, will the English bowlers be able to do anything particularly different to the Aussies to bowl them out and force a win out of this game? When arguably the two best bowlers in the world, as well as Brett Lee, couldn’t get much from the pitch, it seems unlikely that an under-performing England attack will be able to do much better. Certainly as time progresses the wicket will deteriorate, but I doubt it will degrade enough to really worry the Australian top order.

Job number one, however, is to get that first innings total. Fingers crossed that two days of bowling will properly knacker McGrath’s heel.

Thoughts for the interval:

How critical will Trescothick’s untimely demise prove to be? England’s opening pair is not producing at the moment, and it’s certain that Strauss has been put under a lot of pressure, resulting in his loss of concentration and his poor shot selection.

Post from: EveryJoe

Adelaide: Day 1: Slow n steady

“He had his knockers leading in to this Test match and I know he was keen to prove them wrong”

(emphasis added, from link)

Glenn McGrath’s knockers? Those will be his manboobs from being old and a bit saggy? And he had his knockers… now he doesn’t? Was his sore heel just a ruse to cover the pain of last-minute surgery? And to whom was he proving what wrong? To his boobs? That he didn’t need them? Or to everyone else that he’s not an old granny?

Footnote:

I am fully aware that I have totally taken the quote out of context, nor am I suggesting that Glenn McGrath is is fact a hideous trans-sexual and duly note that he did, in fact, dick* all over us in the first test. And ultimately, it’s not even a very funny joke. But there’s not a lot else to smile about at the moment if you’re an Englishman.

* Assuming he’s had it attached / not had it removed.

Post from: EveryJoe

Comedy Ashes quotes: #1 Glenn McGrath’s manboobs

The damage was done by a number of things: curious captaincy, the old folks forgetting their zimmer frames and one remarkable spell of bowling. The spell of bowling was courtesy of West Indian Jerome Taylor who took a hat-trick, removing Michael Hussey, Brett Lee and Brad Hogg, limiting Australia’s ability to chase a relatively meagre 234, failing by 10 runs. The meagre total was set by a reasonable batting performance by the Windians, though concerns will be raised over Brian Lara’s fitness as he broke down mid-innings with major back problems.

The important factor in all this though was Glenn McGrath being rubbish. After he previously did his routine of singling out the England players he’ll be targetting this Winter, Glennda looked about as scary as a soggy paper bag, with all the firepower of a bag of cotton wool. Ponting didn’t even allow McGrath his full allotment, either in recognition of Glenn being out of form, or through being a rubbish captain. Hard to say. If Glenn is simply out of form, rather than struggling with being so old, then more time with the ball would have been a simple remedy. If Ponting is a rubbish captain. Wait a minute, what do I mean if ?

Needless to say, the nett result is heigtened speculation over this Saturday’s encounter, with both sides eager to secure a first victory in the competition.

Post from: EveryJoe

Someone pinch me – Australia lose

“Pietersen thinks Monty can be great.”
“Marsh thinks Monty can be great.”
“Woolmer thinks Monty can be great.”
“Giles worried, because Monty can be great.”
“x, y and bloody z think Monty can be great.”

Awe-inspiring journalism there chaps. Only England coach Duncan Fletcher attempted to buckle the trend, by saying Monty’s still young and early in his career and he has to keep a sensible turban on his head. I don’t know, no doubt parts of that are true, but since Giles is about as likely to go on the Ashes tour as my mum is, then Monty ought to be pretty confident of a place. In the face of the defeat, the Pakistani journalism has typically reacted with a “how Pakistani cricket has fallen apart” reply. Premature, if you ask me. The usual propaganda of England being back on track to win The Ashes after this solitary win persed the lips of many an English fan. Let’s win the series before we start thinking such ludicrous thoughts.

Speaking of injuries, though, as if that’s an interesting and exciting new subject, the latest round of silly ideas for the rejuvenation of the depleted Ashes squad is out – send them to Australia to play in grade cricket. Call me cynical, but send our already injured players, to play against a bunch of fired-up Aussies who want nothing more than to regain the Ashes – seems logical enough to me. Injured players + Cricket Balls + 90mph = Perfect Recovery. It’s a foolproof formula. (Look at McGrath – he’s already said he’ll be using Strauss and Cook as target practice during the series. Assuming he’s fit. He wasn’t last year and we won, so fingers crossed he’s won’t be this time.)

Elsewhere, Geraint Jones has finally been given the arse from the Test side, in favour of puny little Chris Read (who’s actually not all that puny). Yet another decision I don’t agree with – if they were going to drop him, they should have done so months ago – not straight after one of his most competent performances behind the stumps in his entire England career. Way to boost his confidence, guys. I just hope Chris Read doesn’t try and duck any more bouncers.

And whilst I try to wean myself off San Miguel and the sight of beautiful Spanish ladies, and back on to the pouring rain and 12 hours a day in front of my computer, I will smugly finish with the fact that, it feels good to be right.

Post from: EveryJoe

A week away and…?