Benefits derived from fasting

Here are some of the financial benefits that you can derive from fasting:

1. Save money: When you aren’t spending the money on food, you can save it. My husband and I probably save about $10 a month for that one day we don’t fast. It’s not a whole lot, but $120 a year is enough to pay all of our utilities one month during the winter, or enough to cover all of our oil changes for the year. If we decided to fast twice a month, we’d save even more. You can probably think of plenty of things to do with that $120 — even invest it!
2. Learn to do without: Many people get in trouble with money because they don’t really learn how to do without. They have fallen prey to the ides that there things we “need” and we “need” them now. Fasting can help you learn that it is possible to do without, and how to defer some of your gratification. And this can transfer to your finances.
3. Build discipline: Discipline is essential for good finances. If you can discipline yourself to go without solids for 24 hours, you can probably transfer that discipline to other areas of your life — including your finances.
4. Possible health benefits: The exact health benefits of fasting are still being debated, but some agree that if you fast occasionally, being sure to drink plenty of water and eating healthy during the rest of the time, going without solids can provide you with some health benefits. And when you are healthier, you tend to spend less money on health care services.

And, of course, for the spiritually inclined, fasting about your finances can help provide you with insight on how to better manage your finances in a way that is in line with your religious beliefs.

In the end, there are some things that fasting can teach us about finances. And it can be a great practice to help you in other areas of your life as well.

Image source: USDA via Wikimedia Commons

Post from: EveryJoe

Fasting and Finances

A team of incredibly freaky scientists at the University of Toronto say they have uncovered the secret to sex appeal, unleashing what they referred to as a “sexual tsunami” among the fruit flies used in the experiment.

By altering the genetic make-up of fruit flies so they didn’t produce a particular odor or pheromone, the scientists were able to create a male fruit fly which proved irresistible to both the male and female of the species.

Kind of like the Richard Gere of fruit flies.

Professor Joel Levine, who led the study and also heads the campus Fruit Fly Porn Club, said the research had significant implications for humans.

The professor noted that “although pheromones play a key part in the human mating game, ours is far more complex than that of fruit flies.”

Plus, they’re so tiny it’s really hard to have sex with them.

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Simply irresistible

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Scientists Create ‘Sexual Tsunami’

The weather forecast is in for today’s Baltimore Marathon and it’s partly cloudy with a chance of aggravated assault.

This year’s marathon passes through some of the city’s most scenic neighborhoods such as the Inner Harbor and also winds through some of Baltimore’s most dangerous neighborhoods in East Baltimore.

How that plays with runners and race promoters depends on if you see your paper cup of Gatorade half-full or an effort to slow you down to make a better target.

Race promoters point out no one has ever become a crime victim during the race and note there is also a section of the marathon which goes by John Hopkins University.

“If you can just make it there, John Hopkins has one of the finest trauma teams in the country. You should be okay at that point if you haven’t lost too much blood and have stayed hydrated,” said race officials.

This year’s marathon is sponsored by Under Armour which hopes to use the race to promote sales of its form-fitting breathable workout wear which is 30% cotton, 10% Lycra and 60% Kevlar.

Under Armour has demonstrated their commitment to the Baltimore Marathon by raising the prize money offered this year to $125,000. A spokesman for the company was quick to add the money is kept in a locked safe which he can’t open.

As a community service, the Baltimore Sun newspaper has highlighted sections of the race where gang shootings and drug dealing have combined to make the Charm City one of the country’s top 10 most dangerous cities. There’s even a handy map which runners can cut out and carry with them during the marathon.

Runners are urged to take reasonable precautions when running through the dangerous portions of the race. Precautions include being aware of your surroundings, zig-zagging in order to present a less predictable target and running really, really fast.

The City of Baltimore wants all of its race participants to be safe so they can eat more crab cakes and help the city get back its number one ranking as the STD capital of the country.

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The Baltimore Orioles practice safe sex … they just suck.

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

The Amazingly Dangerous Race

A 74-year-old woman who was attacked by raccoons was listed in stable condition today, or as stable as anyone could be after being mauled by a bunch of raccoons.

Seriously, how come no one is ever listed in “freaked-the-hell-out” condition?

A spokesman for the Tampa police said the woman fell after she was surrounded and attacked by five raccoons as she tried to chase them from her yard.

A spokesman for the raccoons said it had taken one of the raccoons nearly five years to track the woman from South Dakota after she’d run off with another guy who had hit the young raccoon in the eye.

The spokesman said the raccoon originally had come, equipped with a gun, but later decided to get a bunch of his friends and just scratch and bite the bejeezus out of the woman.

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Raccoons claim they were only looking for Gideon’s Bible…
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The raccoons were caught on video and Tampa police are making every effort to track and capture the animals responsible but, according to one official, identifying the perpetrators could prove difficult since they were all wearing masks.

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Surprise! I’m omnivorous!

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Raccoons May Help Solve Social Security

The folks at MSNBC are all over this breaking employment trend: If you don’t have computer skills, you may have a more difficult time finding a job.

I haven’t been this surprised since I found out there’s never been a fat person who held the world record in the pole vault.

Go figure.

The need for computer skills may come as a surprise to you if you work for the city of Zanesville, Ohio. Here’s Sharon Newton’s story:

After working for the city of Zanesville, Ohio, for 27 years … Newton lost her job this year, and when she went to look for a new one she discovered that, even with all of her experience, she wasn’t prepared for the modern work force. When prospective employers asked about her computer skills, she had no answer. It turns out “that is extremely important,” said Newton…

Ya think?

Even if you don’t have computer skills, shouldn’t you at least have some inkling you’re behind, say, 80% of the animal kingdom in looking for a job?

I’m pretty sure there are hamsters who know how to use a computer. I know because one of them uploaded that famous video to YouTube.

According to the article, older workers are particularly vulnerable. Which is okay since the last thing you want when you call up to order something is somebody telling you you need to speak up and should have more fiber in your diet.

Quit your bitching, Gramps. At least you’re going to get some of the money you kicked into Social Security — which is lot more than the rest of us can say.

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“After you learn Excel, I’ll teach you how to download porn. Deal?”

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Lack Of Computer Skills Hurts Job Chances

A Bangladeshi farmer was awarded a 14-inch color television by government officials as part of a nationwide incentive program to help eradicate rodents in the dirt poor country.

And sure it seems like a cheesy prize until you realize that, if he kills 14 million more rats, the government has promised to bring electricity to Bangladesh.

We don’t realize how good we have it here in America sometimes. This guy got a television and a certificate of recognition for eliminating 83 thousand rats. Here in the States, GM got rid of eight thousand jobs and they got 700 billion dollars.

The rat eradication incentive program is an effort by the Bangladeshi government to cut down on the amount of food needed to feed the seventh most populous country on the planet.

Bangladesh imports roughly three million tons of food annually, up to two-thirds of which is eaten by rats. Which partly goes to explain why Bangladesh is one of the least requested destinations on Travelocity.

It’s so bad, the Roaming Gnome went Bangladesh for a commercial and got his foot gnawed off. *rimshot*

The runner-up in the rat-killer sweepstakes, Fakhrul Haque Akanda (who got his name from the three sets of Scrabble tiles his family was looking at when he was born) said he killed 37,450 rats using mostly traps.

To put that in perspective, that’s over 102 rats a day for 365 straight days. And that’s the dude in second place.

It has to take a couple hours a day just to get rid of the rats. And that doesn’t even include the time spent looking up recipes for rodent curry on the Internet.

I don’t know how I’d get through the day in Bangladesh. I’ve managed to trigger my gag reflex just writing about this story.

The heck with food, we need to export four million flamethrowers to this country right away before the rats carry a majority of seats in the Bangladeshi Parliament and snag representation on the U.N. Security Council.

In a related story, health professionals have requested an appointment with White House officials saying they think they may have a potential solution to both the trade deficit and the feral cat problem here in America.

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Post from: EveryJoe

Reality TV

Wow. Talk about respecting your elders. Brothels in Melbourne, Australia are offering a “generous discount” to patrons over 60 during Senior Citizens Week.

Most of the call girls working that week will also be over 60-years old, so the discount is kind of a mixed blessing.

Still, for pensioners on a fixed income every little bit helps.

“I look forward to this week all year,” said one retiree, “I’ll be eating cat food by the end of the month but it’s worth it.”

Police officials report fewer disturbances during Senior Week.

“Sure, we get the occasional broken hip or lost dentures complaint,” said Constable Tony Levitra, “But, for the most part, most of these blokes are well-behaved. Last year’s big excitement was when one of the escort services ran out of girls and fixed up a 93-year-old nearsighted guy with a kangaroo.”

“The guy said it was the ride of his life but complained the girl had a big nose was a bit flat-chested,” observed Constable Levitra.

Melbourne’s Shady Acres rest home has said they will increase the number of off-site passes available this year and extend curfew for their residents all the way to 8:00 P.M.

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I’m gonna be all over you like a koala on a eucalyptus, missy…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

I Come In A Land Down Under

The race for mayor of East Cleveland got a whole lot more interesting today when the incumbent mayor Eric Brewer accused his opponent and the East Cleveland police force of releasing graphic photos of him cross-dressing in women’s lingerie.

The mayor’s carefully parsed statement neither confirmed nor denied whether the person shown in the pictures was, in fact, the mayor himself.

The mayor asked the media for privacy while noting that, in comparison to being mayor of East Cleveland, the pictures really weren’t all that embarrassing.

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Predicting what the mayor will wear to the inaugural ball suddenly got a whole lot more interesting…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

If You Like My Body And You Think I’m Sexy

In her forthcoming book, High on Arrival, former One Day At A Time sitcom star Mackenzie Phillips says she and her father had sex while both of them were zonked out of their minds on drugs.

Phillips made the revelation on the Oprah Winfrey show and acknowledged her family wasn’t necessarily buying into the story.

The situation seems tailor-made for a song parody of the classic Mamas & Papas hit, Creeque Alley.

Let’s call it Creep Alley.

John and ‘Kenzie were getting kinda friendly
Mac says it was because of the pot,
No one gets it, even though she said it,
Chynna was so much more hot.
It’s a decades old family spat
Mackenzie got a book deal, got the story pat
‘High on Arrival’ got a little sales push
When she went on Oprah’s show for a chat
Seems everyone was getting ass, ‘cept for Mama Cass.

John’s wife Genny, said she’d heard plenty,
“It doesn’t sound like something Johnny would do,
But he was always horny, the situation’s thorny
Maybe I should check with Bijou.
I think I’m smelling a rat,
Can’t believe my step-kid would say stuff like that
I know People Magazine is really gonna cause a scene
But Mackenzie will have the last laugh,”
And, man, everyone was getting ass, ‘cept for Mama Cass.

Mackenzie was an actor, maybe that’s a factor
For seeking the attention she craves,
Had a funny sitcom, you watched it when it came on
But Bonnie Franklin got all of the raves.
After One Day Mac’s career went flat,
Cameos, bit parts, then that was that,
Mackenzie getting higher, in a downward spiral,
That brings us to where we’re now at.
With everyone still getting ass, ‘cept for Mama Cass.

Drug tests, incest, arrests, near-death,
Where’d Mackenzie find the time for a book?
Stuck in rehab, all the stories she had,
Would a publisher even give it a look?
“What’s really gonna turn your head, man,
Is the part where dad throws me down on the bed then…”
Don’t care what you’re smoking, ain’t nobody joking,
There’s just no excuse for that.
John, before you go tapping that — hit on Mama Cass.

John is buried somewhere in the prairie,
Guess we’ll never know the story for sure,
Mackenzie’s better, Oprah’s getting letters,
For some things there’s never a cure.
It’s fodder for the gossip press crew,
Young, rich, used up, none of this is real new,
From Lindsay to Mackenzie, there’s always been a frenzy,
It just goes on indefinitely,
But California Dreamin isn’t all they make it out to be….

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Creeque Alley
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One day, and one song parody, at a time…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Mackenzie Phillips Hawks ‘High On Arrival’

A 16-year-old in Sandusky, Ohio was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana after his mom found a small bag of pot in his bedroom.

Mom wasn’t so much upset she found the pot but was furious the kid had used a page from the Bible for rolling paper.

Call it the Be-Mellow-Attitudes. “Blessed are those who seek to be closer to God, but not when you’re weed is tightly packed into Genesis 1:29.”

Apparently, Mom had been watching too many spy movies since she called the cops at 11:30 at night and asked them to meet her at a car wash outside of town where she told them she had seen her son sparking it up in his room.

The kid must have been pretty baked to not realize there was something just a little strange about his mom going out for a midnight car wash.

There can’t be a whole lot of serious crime in Sandusky, Ohio when cops have the time to go to a secret rendezvous and then roust a high school student after his mom snitched on him.

The teen maintained he had simply misunderstood a reading in Church the previous Sunday where he thought the preacher had asserted, “In the beginning was the herb … and the herb was good.”

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Dude. Thank God she didn’t find the three kilos of coke in my closet…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Blessed Are The Poor…