Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/25/08

Dear Jabandgrapple.com readers. Chances are next week’s wrestler rankings will be funnier, better written, provide smarter, crisper analysis, might include someone other than WWE wrestlers, and won’t show extreme prejudice towards Mark Henry, JBL, and Kane.

That’s right, this is Mr. Jabandgrapple’s last post. That doesn’t mean there won’t be another Mr. Jabandgrapple just like there was another Ultimate Warrior, another Kane, and another Undertaker. What’s that? There was only one Ultimate Warrior, one true Kane, and one true Undertaker.

That’s besides the point. Just goes to prove that the next Mr. Jabandgrapple will be a more learned wrestling fan. Am I off to a lucrative column at Pro Wrestling Illustrated? A WWE writing gig alongside Freddy Prinze, Jr. in Stamford, Connecticut? Sideline speech and interview writer for Eve Torres? Exclusive publicist for Shannon Briggs?

Let’s just say I’m off to parts unknown. Without further ado, here’s my last WWE wrestler rankings.

1. Undertaker (LW: 1)
Taker’s to-do list:
Sunday: Edge sent to h-e double hockey sticks. Check.
Friday: Steal Vickie Guerrero’s soul. Sorta check. He said he was going to do it. Didn’t exactly see the aura sucked out of her body. Perhaps because SmackDown was again pre-empted by exhibition football and all I got was the standard-def feed. Taker is back and he’s on fire! Although presumably not as on fire as Edge.

2. Batista (LW: 2)
The Animal still holds the 1-0 edge over his former Tag Team Champion partner but his work on RAW - hobbling to victory over Paul Birchill - certainly doesn’t carry the same weight as Cena’s effort last Monday…

3. John Cena (LW: 5)
Hustle, loyalty and respect brought a handicap match victory over the reigning tag team. It’s only right then that Cena should be named Tag Team champion all by himself. We’re still surprised that Mick Foley never teamed with one of his many personas to win a Tag title. What’s that?

(Official voice: This is a WWE ranking and Mick Foley has nothing to do with the WWE. Cease and desist in mentioning the king of the hell in the cell.)

Let’s move on.

4. Y2J (LW: 10)
Our personal savior (who no longer is in the saving business) Chris Jericho joined the growing list of WWE superstars who’ve defeated the supposed RAW title holder, CM Punk, during his ignominious reign. Shouldn’t that then make him the World Heavyweight Champion just as Cena should be the tag team champ? That would make too much sense.

What also is inexplicable? Why did the WWE replay the Y2J-punching-Shawn Michaels’-wife saga on all three shows? Doesn’t matter, I loved it all three times.

5. HHH (LW: 3)
The King of Kings was just sort of there this week only slightly assisting our next entrant in his match…

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 6)
The now-braided rainbow-haired warrior defeated the Great Khali in the biggest mismatch between athlete and non-athlete since nearly every Olympic boxing match. Somehow in those bouts the non-athlete always won. Shows you why I love pro wrestling.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 7)
It is STILL so unfair that Kofi lost his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back on tonight’s RAW. Of course we said the same thing last week.

8. Edge (LW: 4)
When will he emerge from Hades? If not this Friday then I’m dropping him off this list. But you won’t be here next week. Arrggghh.

9. Shelton Benjamin (LW: NR)
Beat Finlay in a very long match on SmackDown. I keep forgetting that Finlay has a title belt, namely the U.S. Championship. Yet another reason why next weeks ratings will be smarter.

10. The Miz (LW: NR)
Because I like him. That’s why. Because I love reality TV. That’s right I said it. Because the only show on television almost as good as wrestling is the Road Rules/Real World Challenge. And The Miz was a stellar performer on that show.

Dropped Out: CM Punk, Vladimir Kozlov

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/18/08

1. Undertaker (LW: 10)
He’s baaaaaaaaaack and he’s sending people to h-e double hockey sticks. We really didn’t realize how much we missed the Undead Superstar until his epic SummerSlam Hell in a Cell match. Amazing stuff in what might go down as an all-time great pro wrestling match.

2. Batista (LW: 1)
His match versus John Cena wasn’t the highlight of SummerSlam but hopefully we will see these two titans square off again.

3. Triple H (LW: 4)
He beat The Great Khali. Yawn. Let’s see him start feuding with Edge or Taker. The pedigreed one won’t stand a chance.

4. Edge (LW: 3)
Did Edge solidify his place in the WWE Hall of Fame with yet another ridiculously good headline match? We think so. Can’t wait to see what’s up next for the Rated R Superstar.

5. John Cena (LW: 2)
The crowd is beginning to turn against everybody’s all-American. How long before Cena turns heel? Hopefully soon.

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 9)
Sure he lost at SummerSlam but only because of Shelton Benjamin’s interference. Hardy has been terrific as of late and the untrue rumors of his broken neck have only added to his legend.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 5)
So unfair that Kofi could lose his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back tonight on RAW.

8. CM Punk (LW: NR)
He won. Double yawn. A pin versus JBL means NOTHING. CM Punk still has a lot to prove in our book.

9. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: 8)
Maybe he’ll get a match in the next pay-per-view. We’re not holding our breath.

10. Y2J (LW: 7)
Overshadowed again by Shawn Michaels. Y2J’s star is falling and it’s falling fast.
Dropped Out: The Great Khali

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/11/08

Monday night’s RAW and Tuesday’s ECW didn’t exactly bring us a lot of action while Friday night’s SmackDown was preempted in Mr. Jabandgrapple’s hometown by an Eagles vs. Steelers pre-season match-up. And while my DVR wasn’t intuitive enough to tape the delayed broadcast I was able to get a hold of the matches.

1. Batista (LW: 3)
The Animal channeled his ample anger and pinned Ted DiBiase, Jr. to become a half of an unlikely WWE Tag Team Champion pairing.

2. John Cena (LW: 2)
The other half of the new belt holders. We can’t wait for the newly allied SummerSlam matchup.

3. Edge (LW: 1)
At some point he’s going to have to wrestler, right? Still, flipping Vickie Guerrero out of her wheelchair is something we’ve wanted to see forever. And the Rated-R Superstar definitely seems to have his mojo back.

4. Triple H (LW: 4)
Good mic work and some clever insults towards the Great Khali and his manager “Funyon”. HHH had the arm wrestling match won and Khali resorted to some dastardly tactics.

5. Kofi Kingston (LW: 6)
The high flying superstar just keeps getting better. We really enjoyed his dismantling of Paul Birchill. Let’s hope that feud is over. It’s gotten way too one-sided.

6. The Great Khali (LW: 8)
As much as it pains me to move Khali to #6 he did put a hurting on HHH and that doesn’t happen often. We always feel a little bad for him after hearing the rumor that he doesn’t have much time left in the WWE because of his degenerating knees.

7. Y2J (LW: 4)
Chris Jericho gets a lot less interesting without Shawn Michaels as a foil. How could I place him above JBL who actually made the pin in the JBL-Y2J handicap match against CM Punk? Because Y2J did all the damage on Punk and because I hate JBL. Simple as that.

8. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: NR)
So it’s not just us who wants Kozlov to face better competition. Vladimir is sick of beating up jobbers too. Last week he got Jesse and Festus who are a serviceable duo. Kozlov got the job done and makes his first appearance in the JandG rankings.

9. Jeff Hardy (LW: NR)
The rainbow-haired warrior is also making his first JandG ranking appearance. And not a moment too soon. He’s been beating up on the competition only to be foiled by MVP’s interference. It’s time to hurt MVP at SummerSlam and we can’t wait for that eventuality.

10. The Undertaker (LW: NR)
Black roses, splayed out La Familia members, fear everywhere. He’s baaa-aackkkk!

Dropped Out: Mr Kennedy (get well soon!), Matt Hardy, and CM Punk

August’s b5media sports channel theme day is “favorites”. Presumably I’m supposed to tell you about my favorite pro wrestler and/or boxer. The thing is, as a sports blogger/expert analyst journalism ethics tell me that I can’t show favoritism. I can’t root for one fighter over another. It would destroy my credibility. It would severely undermine the high standards to which jabandgrapple.com aspires.

“Um, excuse me.” It seems the peanut gallery has something to say. “Everytime you write about Jeff Hardy you say ‘I love you Jeff Hardy, I love you Jeff Hardy’. And what about your ridiculous and overt pining for Eve Torres? (Mr. JandG note: she doesn’t wrestle. I CAN favor her.) Or the fact that you’ve admitted that Y2J is your favorite. And then said that Randy Orton is your favorite. And then said that John Cena is your favorite. And then said that Edge is your favorite. And I think you might have even said that Kofi Kingston was your favorite. You have more favorites than a Las Vegas casino sports book. And in your glorious high standard blog as well.”

What you say might be true. But that’s wrestling. I’m supposed to take sides. That’s why there are good guys and bad guys. I am completely absolved. And, plus, I’m fair and balanced towards the people I don’t like like HHH, Mark Henry, the Great Khali, and Mike Adamle. Really, I am.

And anyway I don’t show favoritism in boxing. No sides no favorites pure rational Platonic objectivity.

“Um, here are two quotes from YOUR OWN BLOG:”

We are big Klitschko fans; Mrs. Jabandgrapple has even claimed to have married Mr. Jabandgrapple because of his passing likeness to Wlad.

and

Then Darling Jimenez knocks him down! Oh my heavens! Vamos Darling!

“Those don’t sound too nonobjective to me!”

I’ll admit, maybe once or twice I’ve cheered a bit for one fighter and not the other. But that doesn’t mean I have a favorite. The only favorite in my heart in the Manchester City Football Club. And I like them so much that I vehemently cheer (oops) for Ricky Hatton even though he hangs out with Manchester United strikers every now and then.

So if I were to admit a really really really favorite boxer/wrestler it would be Ricky Hatton but it oddly has nothing to do with boxing or wrestling and everything to do with, um, soccer. Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone… There’s only one Ricky Hatton!

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/03/08

How did I have ‘em last week? Check this link.

We got big shakeups in the jabandgrapple Top 10 this week. Why is that? Well, three of last week’s Top 10 didn’t wrestle this week. And one of ‘em fought Colin Delaney. Doesn’t count.

Also, I can’t reward people for not appearing at shows especially when Mr. Jabandgrapple has tickets to said show. Therefore HHH tumbles. I don’t care if his wife birthed a baby. I really don’t. The Harrisburg area has great hospitals. Bring her on the road. (I’m kidding…I think)

1. Edge (LW: 5)
Pinned Jeff Hardy (tough week for him) on Saturday Night’s Main Event, sent Mick Foley off SmackDown on a stretcher, and looks to still be getting it done with Alicia Fox. Good week all around for the Rated R Superstar.

2. John Cena (LW: 6)
When paired with Batista on RAW it was Cena who got the pin earning him a spot ahead of the Animal making him this week’s biggest riser.

3. Batista (LW: 3)
Holding steady. Can’t wait for his singles match against Cena on SummerSlam.

4. Y2J (LW: 2)
Loved the final edition of The Highlight Reel. Hope its end means more appearance in the ring.

5. HHH (LW: 1)
Congrats on the baby girl. Can’t wait to see you wrestle again even if it’s against The Great Khali.

6. Kofi Kingston (LW: NR)
Kofi looked really good and dominant against Jamie Noble just as all belt holders should be.

7. CM Punk (LW: 4)
Just when I started to warm to Punk he was steamrolled by former exile William Regal. Regal bloodied his lip and inflicted a great deal of punishment before Punk gained the pin. It was not the sort of performance expected from a champion. Can you imagine Regal bloodying HHH’s lip?

8. Great Khali (LW: 10)
Khali beat the tar(heel) out of Jeff Hardy on SmackDown and might have been the week’s most impressive wrestler.

9. Matt Hardy (LW: 7)
Obligatory ECW entry. And he wrestled this week unlike serial steel bender Mark Henry.

10. Mr. Kennedy (LW: NR)
Great win against the bronchitis-impaired Shelton Benjamin in what might not be the last of the Clairol Matches.

Dropped Out: Kane, The Undertaker

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 7/27/08

Every week WWE.com rates their wrestlers. Which got me to thinking…I have a wrestling blog. Why can’t I rate them? So I did. And I will try to every Monday morning in preparation the next week of grappling fun.

Don’t go searching for the “last week” ratings that I refer to. I didn’t post them, they only existed in my mind.

Rankings

1. Triple H (LW: 1)
I might not like HHH but you can’t deny his championship clout. He hasn’t lost in ages, his mic skills are still impeccable, and he is about to welcome a little baby into the world.

2. Y2J (LW: 2)
Right now Y2J is the lead dog in my favorite WWE storyline/feud. Heck, he’s even made Lance Cade interesting. Jericho’s weekly taunts of the arena crowds keep getting better and his veteran wrestling skills are always fun to watch.

3. Batista (LW: 3)
Sure he didn’t take the title from CM Punk but he hasn’t lost to him in a televised bout either. Batista has brought a great energy to RAW and his possible upcoming feud with John Cena has us excited.

4. CM Punk (LW: 6)
The Straight Edge Superstar is growing on us. He may not be winning but he isn’t losing either. His confidence is building and every week he gets more comfortable with the WWE Belt and with the crowds. This rating is bound to go up once he pins a fellow top tier superstar.

5. Edge (LW: 4)
It was a bad week for Edge. He spent the entire SmackDown show trying to live down his poorly timed dalliance with Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner and then he wife (or is it ex-wife) reinstated his arch-rival The Undertaker.

6. John Cena (LW: 9)
Cena fell last week in the rankings after his ignominious pin by JBL in what was the worst match at the Great American Bash. But good old John stepped in up on Monday when he lifted both DiBiase and Rhodes over his head AT THE SAME TIME and then hugged his proud father. And later in the night he accidentally punched Batista and may have started a feud between two titans. Great week.

7. Matt Hardy (LW: NR)
Matt actually wrestled last week unlike his similarly initialed ECW cohort Mark Henry. So he earns this rank. And what a match it was, a pay-per-view quality Fatal Four Way where he triumphed over three good wrestlers: Miz, Morrison, and Finlay.

8. Undertaker (LW: NR)
He’s coming back! Need I say more.

9. Kane (LW: 5)
Two weeks ago we were intrigued by the burlap bag and the bonkers attitude. Now that that storyline has gone nowhere we’re a little bored.

10. The Great Khali (LW: NR)
I don’t want to include this big Punjabi stiff in this list but he did beat Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show in a Battle Royale to earn this spot and a SummerSlam match against Triple H.

Dropping Out: Shawn Michaels (LW: 7); Big Show (LW : 8); Kofi Kingston (LW; 10)

WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part Two

Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
The Great Khali wins a Battle Royale against Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show

Segment Four
Edge is trying to keep things going with Alicia Fox a/k/a the Wedding Planner. But Chavo Guerrero’s bodyguard Bam Neely is lurking in the corridor listening to their conversation. He’s not going to snitch on another man, is he? No self-respecting man would ever do that but Neely does. So sad.

Stevie Richards comes out to be the next Vladimir Kozlov’s latest cannon fodder. When will Kozlov fight someone good? When will he ever get a pay-per-view gig? How many times must we watch him destroy his opponent. To be fair, Richards actually looks good until Kozlov hits a head butt to the sternum and knocks out the poor Philadelphia native. WWE bookers, please give Kozlov a feud. His domination has gone on long enough.

Segment Five
The Main Event has come early. It’s a Battle Royale with the winner to face HHH at SummerSlam. The competitors: Mr. Kennedy, the Great Khali, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, M.V.P., and Big Show. Regardless of the winner we are going to see someone new against HHH at SummerSlam. That’s a very good thing.

I want to see Mr. Kennedy win but I don’t see him emerging from a Battle Royale. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is pulling for Jeff Hardy…duh. But we both find it hard to see how Big Show could lose a Battle Royale.

Hardy’s early focus is, understandably, on M.V.P. He knocks the Anti-Dog Whisperer out of the ring with a terrific clothesline. Good riddance M.V.P. Umaga tosses Hardy out but Jeff somehow is able to grab the top rope and stay inside. Umaga doesn’t notice as he moves onto Big Show. The World’s Biggest Athlete then flips the Samoan Bulldozer out of the ring. He follows it up with a successful dismissal of Mr. Kennedy. My pick is gone. So sad.

Now there are three left: Show, Khali, and Hardy. Hardy next move is a jump off the top rope onto Big Show. Show catches him and the high flying superstar looks to be in trouble. But against all odds he finds a way to flip Show out. He continues to capitalize on his momentum and hits a Swanton Bomb on Khali.

But it’s not to be. Khali flips Hardy over the top rope and SummerSlam just got a lot less interesting.

After the match HHH enters the stage and stares down his future opponent. They stare and stare and stare and stare and stare. Considering Khali can’t actually move we think that’s an apt preview for SummerSlam. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

Click F5 for updates

Match Number Eight
Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship

Triple H Wins

A WWE phone poll says 55% have more sympathy for Edge while 45% side with Vickie. We can’t believe that many people are with Vickie. Really surprising. Another Eve Torres moment…

…

…

Where were we? Edge comes out with nearly as much greasy wet hair as his opponent. The greasy hair gap has been closed. Edge to Edge. The bell rings and Edge rushes at him with the intensity of a woman scorned. Triple H easily eschews his impetuousness and starts the assumed beat down.

The entire front row has turned away from the ring and is waving to the cameras. Tells you something about the excitement level of the match, no?

Edge gains control of the match after slamming HHH into the ringside stairs. He pounces on Triple H outside the ring and slams him into an announcer’s booth. Edge has HHH into a body scissors subsmission hold. We’re hoping somebody appears soon to liven to the match up be it Vickie, The Undertaker, or maybe both.

There’s been some good back and forth but little drama. There we go. Edge hits a nice DDT on HHH outside the ring. Nothing amps up the fun like a near double count out. Edge pushes the de-energized HHH into the ring and goes for the pin. 1-2 and not quite 3.

HHH catapults Edge into the turnbuckle and lands a DDT of his own. No pin though. HHH keeps favoring his ribs. Could he be on hiatus for a baby birth as well?

At this point both men are woozy. HHH eludes a rushing spear and then another countering the last with a Double Edge Spine Buster. He can’t finish him with the Pedigree though. Now Edge is going for a debilitating Superplex. Success. But as Mrs. JandG explains, “That move is stupid, it hurts them both equally.”

Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner rushes to the ring and grabs the belt. She’s followed by Vickie Guerrero and those two engage in a heated cat fight. Edge looks to break it up and lands a vicious spear on his wife. Edge is in shock and Triple H capitalizes. He lands a Pedigree and pins Edge. Night over about fifteen minutes early. We wonder, did Triple H hurt his ribs and ask for the match to end? Hard to say.

***

Match Number Seven
John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL Wins

OK, so it’s not exactly a parking lot, it’s more like the bowels of the Nassau Coliseum. JBL is armed with a crowbar and wearing a dress shirt and tie. Thank heavens we don’t have to see his boobies. This match is in no way live.

JBL is searching everywhere for Cena who is in the driver’s seat of of Lincoln which hurtles into the Ford JBL is standing on. Product placement. Cena jumps at JBL armed with jumper cables which he attaches to JBL’s privates and connects to the car’s battery. Electric relaxation!

Cena’s next implement of destruction is a beer keg which he smashes into a car window. JBL escapes to the front seat where Cena slams his head into the wheel numerous times.

JBL lands his first successful move when he slams Cena into a car door which promptly breaks off. Mama JandG says “He should body slam him into the limousine’s bull horns.” My mom has some kind of imagination. She continues, “Cindy Rowe (a Harrisburg-area auto glass repair shop) is going to make out with this match!”

JBL’s attempts to pin Cena are unsuccessful so he grabs a crowbar and begins smashing windows. He puts Cena into the back seat of a Ford and grabs a gasoline container from his limo. He pours the fuel onto the Ford, pops open his zippo, and lights the car on fire. WWE employees immediately appear with fire extinguishers.

Cena jumps out of the car refreshed. He puts JBL in another Ford and hops onto a forklift. He’s carrying the car into the ring! This match is finally going to happen with a live audience. The painful silence is over. Thank heavens. The bout was live after all.

This match has been all flash with little reward. Cena looks up to the clock to make sure he can end it. He hits a five knuckle shuffle but before he hits the STFU JBL tosses him into the car’s windshield which immediately shatters. JBL pins the, um, shattered Cena. This bout was a stupid cartoon imitation of a wrestling match and not nearly as interesting as it might read. May they never fight again. Please. Worst match of the night. Mrs. JandG says “Stink-O-Rama.”

Both fighters look visibly hurt, probably just cuts from the windshield glass.

***

Match Number Six
CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Double Disqualification because Kane interferes; Punk retains title.

So you’re telling me that the World Heavyweight Championship gets a lower billing than the Cena-JBL non-title match? Or is that match not happening? And why is Punk coming out first? Isn’t he the title holder? No respect at all.

This match is definitely a make or break match for Punk. I don’t think it’s going to happen. Mama JandG concurs, “If that little guy beats Batista then something’s up.”

Papa JandG says “Punk’s going to win this. I’m telling you.” This is a contentious house. So far the match’s action feels awfully forced and pretty unrealistic. Batista lands a powerful suplex and now has Punk in a Camel Clutch. Batista looks like he is enjoying beating Punk up. Mama JandG is also enjoying the match, “That Batista sure is put together!”

The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb but is too close to the ropes. Punk is on the move now and hits Batista with a kick to the side of the head. 1-2 and not quite 3. The Animal kicks out. Punk almost land another fall after splashing Batista from the top rope. Batista then counters and almost takes the Straight Edge One down.

Batista’s next move is a vicious clothesline and things are getting good now. The action is outside the ring. Batista has Punk hurt and pushes him into the ring for the easy pin but Kane interferes, choke slams Punk, and the ref ends the match with a double DQ.

Kane again mutters “Is he alive or is he dead?” before ruthlessly knocking out a cameraman with a swift boot. He leaves the ring area where Heavyweight Champ Punk is still reeling with a bloody mouth. The Animal re-enters the ring and lands a convincing Batista Bomb. Punk can’t keep the title for much longer. He’s proving to be a boy amongst men.

***

Match Number Five
Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship

Michelle McCool Wins

How do you follow an epic, bloody match between two veteran hall of famers? That’s right. A WWE Divas match. Natalya has McCool in a really cool looking move called a Surfboard. Mrs. JandG remarks, “That Michelle McCool is awfully flexible.” Um, um, what do you say to that?

Natalya puts McCool into a Sharpshooter but McCool is able to get the the ropes. McCool gets Natalya into a Brazilian heel hook and the Anvil’s daughter taps out far too soon. The wrong person won.

After the match Eve Torres enters the ring dressed in a stunning short yellow dress. But before I can ogle any more Chris Jericho disrupts the night’s most perfect moment by announcing that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina and is done. Hasn’t Y2J received an advance copy of Four Kings? Doesn’t he know that Sugar Ray Leonard fought like a dozen fights with that same injury? Evidently not. This feud is not over.

***

Match Number Four
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho Wins

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for! So soon in the broadcast? Jericho enters the ring with a very intimidating vest. HBK comes in in all orange and a cowboy hat. Has his eye healed? They stare down as if they’re in love for about 15 seconds. It’s on.

Michaels is already grabbing his ribs as if he is hurt. What a faker! HBK quickly puts Y2J into a figure four leg lock. The match is all about the throwback. Jericho hits a great drop kick off the second rope and then grabs his knee. Mama JandG says “These guys are real complainers.” She continues “Can you imagine how sweaty Shawn is in those leather pants?” No we can’t.

This match is already living up to our expectations. Both competitors have landed a series of terrific moves. The momentum is building at a wonderfully steady pace. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho but it looks like HBK is going to get to the ropes. He does.

Near fall after HBK nails Y2J with a powerful forearm. He’s now traveled to the top rope. Y2J sprints over to the ropes, shaking HBK’s vitals down onto the turnbuckle. Shawn looks to be turning purple. They’re now grappling from the top of the turnbuckle. HBK kicks him off and hits an elbow to Jericho’s heart. Instead of the pin he amps up the crowd.

Lance Cade tries to interfere but HBK easily disposes of him. There are two neat counters from both wrestlers which almost result in pins. Michaels then does a backflip FROM THE TOP ROPE onto Cade and Jericho who are standing outside of the ring. Wowee zowee.

HBK’s eye has been split open and is bleeding profusely! Jericho sees it and goes on the attack. The spewing blood is making for great drama. The ref wants to stop the match but Michaels is too much of a man.

Y2J headbutts the cut and punches the cut. He’s gleefully inflicting injury. The camera zooms in on HBK’s face and we’re straining to find the gash. HBK is in a bad way. He’s hanging on for dear life grabbing onto the front of Jericho’s trunks. The ref puts an end to the action; Michaels’ eye has been through too much.

The medical staff comes in to help Michaels but curiously they do not wipe the blood off his face or tend to the cut. Great match but I wish they would have let it go on.

***

Match Number Three
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship

Mark Henry Wins

Big big surprises so far. Two title changes in two huge upsets. This pay-per-view has had a terrific start…until now. Mark Henry enters the ring with Tony Atlas. Tommy Dreamer follows with Colin Delaney.

Mr. Jabandgrapple’s mom starts laughing hysterically. “That guy is so big. He’s like a brick wall!” Announcer Tazz announces “Mark Henry is a brick wall.” Eerie. So eerie.

Mama JandG continues “This is so hard to watch. Mark Henry looks like he is breaking his arm. Why isn’t Dreamer screaming in pain? Scream, Dreamer, scream!”

The room breaks into audible Nooooo! as Henry looks to flop onto Dreamer. Tommy eludes him at the last second. Tommy Dreamer seems like he is in control on the top rope. He lets out a Tarzan scream and is going to finish Henry off.

But no! Colin Delaney double crosses his mentor, grabs Dreamer’s arm and the ECW original goes flying into the canvas. Henry pins him easily as Delaney walks off with snarly self satisfaction. We didn’t see that twist coming.

***

Match Number Two
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

for the United States Championship

Shelton Benjamin Wins

This match was not announced! We are pleasantly delighted. This one is for the technical wrestling fans. These two fought a few weeks ago in an underwhelming SmackDown match. Let’s hope this one is an improvement.

There’s been a lot of holds. Hardy has spent most of the time outside the ring and/or in pain. Benjamin continues the punishment. He’s clearly going to lose.

Shelton has Matt in a submission hold and the crowd is chanting for a Hardy resurrection. I yell at Papa Jabandgrapple to “watch the match and stop doing a crossword puzzle!” Mrs. JandG says “This match is painfully boring, you can’t force it on anyone.”

I say, “But what about Benjamin’s terrific kick out of nowhere that just happened and Hardy’s super body slam and resulting leg drop from the top rope?”

“Not enough, but Gold Standard’s catch of Hardy and toss into the turnbuckle was pretty cool.”

Hardy’s had two 2 7/8 near falls and the match is picking up. Hardy goes for a moonsaw and Benjamin catches him in the face with his knees. The Gold Standard then hits a Paydirt and Hardy is out. 1-2-3 pin. New United States Champion.

***

Match Number One
Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way

Ryder and Hawkins Win

This opening match surprises me. I thought Mark Henry would be starting this one off. The bell rings, Festus goes crazy and everyone clears the ring…except Hornswaggle. The little leprechaun flies out of the ring and now The Miz is facing the Of Mice and Men lead character.

Hawkins and Ryder have just made their first entry in the ring on an unintentional tag for Morrison. The fun has just nosedived as the Edgeheads pound and hold.

There are far too many tags for me to keep up with by the way. Morrison does an attractive leap over the top rope to fell Finlay. Miz and Morrison have become a terrific tag team and really deserve this win. Finlay almost pins Ryder but Miz and Morrison break the fall. Ryder then almost pins Finlay but Hornswaggle breaks it up. Will there be a pin tonight?

Indeed there is. Miz and Morrison enter the ring too quickly to break up a Festus pin of Hawkins. Hawkins then pulls Jesse into the ring, pins him, and gains the WWE Tag Team Title. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is disgusted. She says, “I hate when mediocrity is rewarded!” We have to agree.

***

Not even a Pennsylvania summer thunder storm can stop me. www.jabandgrapple.com’s internet coverage was out until 7:56 p.m. but it’s on now! The Great American Bash live blog is about to begin.

It wasn’t the return of Lita, it wasn’t an affair with the attractive wedding planner, and it wasn’t a Vince Vaughn-Owen Wilson-esque wedding crashing intervention by The Undertaker.

No, Edge and Vickie Guerrero were finally split apart by the volatile combination of Vickie’s horrible insensitivity towards her partner and Edge’s unbearable insecurity brought on by his shock loss of the World Heavyweight Championship.

We weren’t shocked as much by the breakup then by Vickie’s frequent switches from wheelchair-bound to able pedestrian.

Our favorite moment of the night was when Triple H couldn’t keep a straight face while talking to Vickie Guerrero. His line, “(Edge) is some kind of genius. Marrying the boss to get ahead in business…honestly, who thinks up that kind of stuff?” While wondering if his wife Stephanie McMahon wrote that line we decided that we enjoy HHH’s self-deprecating side.

Anyway, below is the incredible climax of the Edge-Vickie Guerrero saga below. Be forewarned, it peaks with hysterical screaming and a diamond ring hurling.

WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results

I’m posting the WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results right here live. If I’m up to it I’ll live blog clever comments any funny stuff. If nothing funny or clever appears then I outsourced the Night of Champions results posts to Mrs. Jabandgrapple.

Match #8
Triple H def. John Cena to retain the WWE Championship

John Cena has to win this one. SmackDown can’t have both titles. Nevertheless, Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s intuition leans toward Triple H bringing both titles to Friday night. I have to agree.

Michael Cole says “If you’re not excited about this one then go home.” Well, I’m not excited about this one and I’m already at home. So what should I do?

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