Have you ever dreamed of rubbing your body up against some aspect of master game designer Hideo Kojima? If you can settle for his signature, you might be in luck.

Read more

The latest trailer for Street Fighter IV is made especially interesting by its music. I have nothing against Faith No More, really. I think I even have Epic on my iPod. Just…what an odd combination.

Oh yes, I just used that word. Uncool. My ancient lingo sends you careening back to the grey, damp school yard. Remember how you hid from the taunts of bullies under the bright plastic slide, your knees marked with gravel?

No…?

Zounds, my spell is broken. But I’m still using the word to describe Activision’s new trailer for Guitar Hero World Tour because it’s been a while since I’ve seen such a high-profile name release such an impotent ad. What does this video tell me about the game, exactly?

No gameplay footage at all, from what I can see. This is a little worrisome for a game that’s supposed to be out this autumn.

Guitar Hero World Tour borrows the Fisher-Price instruments schtick from Rock Band. I don’t know who’s going to have room for another set of drums, guitars and microphones, but it’s not going to be me.

Oh dear, fandom. What have you done now.

Gizmondo has posted the Most Horrifying Playstation 3 Ad Ever” (not safe for work, not safe for work, not safe…). For the sake of the many male gamers who were scarred today, I’m not about to refute the claim.

If you’re frightened of the link, I’ll spoil the scare for you: It’s a sultry ad of a naked man with a thumb for a penis.

I’m generally not scared of the sight of peen, being a heterosexual married female and all that, but the idea does make me scratch my head and wonder why anyone would attempt such an, uh, expression.

Early rumours credited the ad to an Argentinian publication (oh my God, I actually spelled that as pubication at first), but Sony’s since denied that it’s an official ad.

So who and what, then? Obviously someone with a lot of time on their hands. Er…thumb?

Dearest Sega, let’s talk a little about lycanthrophy and what makes spontaneous mutation so cool, because I think you could use the extra credit.

Werewolves are awesome. They’re big hulking canines with teeth like railroad spikes. Their claws invariably glisten dark crimson under the full moon. They’re often berserk and cannot be reasoned with. I can get into that.

Other lycanthropes have emerged from the werewolf legend. If we go a piece into anime-born mythology, we have the Oozaru from Dragon Ball: Giant world-destroying monkeys that are birthed when innocent little alien boys look at the full moon. They are cool.

A were-hedgehog is…I don’t know. Someone help me with a word.

“It’s different, I’ll give you that.” — Roger Meyers Jr.

News of new Sonic the Hedgehog games instinctively make me cringe and throw up my arms in self-defence. The recent news about Sonic Unleashed is no different. Why do I keep falling for this little piece of blue barf? I think the last Sonic game I enjoyed in any capacity was Sonic Adventure 2, and that was just for Crush 40’s cock rock.

Speculation has it that Sonic will be able to turn into a werewolf—werehog—this time around. Someone explain the point of that to me. It seems like a thoroughly useless gimmick, and this is coming from someone who is a sucker for werewolves, shape-shifters, etc. I know it’s far too easy to judge, but at the very least I can say that the early concept art doesn’t instill much confidence in me. Were-Sonic looks like he’s wrapped up in the blue shag rug my parents had in the den when I was growing up.

I guess there’s nothing for it except to wait and see. Gosh, I sure am glad I’m just an unapologetic Mega Man fan! Nothing to mock about that series, no sir! (ffffffhahahahaha)

On that note, here’s a relevant icon that was put together by my friend Lizsama:

WIZE FROM YOW GWAVE.

In deepest darkest Texas, a boy shot his friend in the head while they were playing video games. The media report is careful to point out that the boys were playing a video game called “God of War.”

Who wants to start taking bets that the people in charge of writing this story have no idea about the time period or context that make up the backbone of Kratos’s games? We’ll live like kings within the day.

Let’s not bother asking the hoary old question about why fifteen-year-olds are playing an M rated game. Parents have already proven they don’t have the mental capacity or interest to learn two separate rating systems for games and movies. That’s understandable; it’s daunting to learn the significance of a handful of letters unless Elmo is there to guide you every step of the way. Better to just ban the hobby than invest a moment in our kids’ morals.

So the “M” stands for “Meaty,” right? ’cause I bet God of War grills up real nice, like a hippogryph haunch.

America has a well-earned reputation for getting its panties into a knot over trivial matters while the world as a whole struggles to keep itself together with twine and old coat hangers. Recognised names like Jack Thompson and Joe Lieberman have worked long and hard to lie about video game violence so that Arizona grandmothers never have to stop shuffling and cussing about “today’s youth.”

But it’s about time for America’s best to stop hogging the Stupid Politician trophy. British MP Keith Vaz tries to bring home the title for the UK with the ridiculous claim that video games let you rape women.

Kotaku has the back-and-forth between Vaz and other members of the House of Commons, and it’s a fun read. Especially since the rest of the House refused to panic alongside Vaz. It probably didn’t help Vaz’s case that he was fumbling to name a game station, alternating between “Playstation” and “PSP.”

Funny how when a news station reports something that’s actually worth panicking about, the anchor can at least name the threat without fumbling over and over. “An escaped tiger is wreaking havoc…or is it a rhino? Maybe it’s a rabid dog.”

…By fans!

For the NES!

I’m sorry, that was very cruel of me. I know that Final Fantasy VII is the world’s favourite RPG (to poop on). I still retain a lot of affection for it; it was the title that changed video games forever, which is kind of funny to hear if you were into the Final Fantasy series since the sunset of the NES. Nintendo tried very hard to get American audiences to latch on to Final Fantasy, but the series was strictly nerd stuff until Final Fantasy VII.

Final Fantasy VII was a super-soldier in Sony’s battle to overthrow Nintendo, and now…we have a fan-made NES remake of the game. Playing FF VII on a Nintendo system is like mating a puppy and a kitten: It Should Not Be, but the end product is awfully cute.

I don’t know anything about this pic’s original context. Some husbands coyly leave flowers for their wife, whereas mine just saves weird stuff to the desktop.