The point is that I suck at Fat Princes.

I downloaded the demo from the Playstation Network, very excited to finally try my hand at the game.

I selected the “play with yourself” option since I am new to this whole cake filled wonderment and didn’t want to embarrass myself. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that multiplayer is disabled if you’re just playing the demo. Like I said, I didn’t select that option so I don’t know for sure.

Boys are notorious for not reading the instructions and I guess I’m a guy since I didn’t read how to play the game – I just drove right in.

After one minute of watching the different characters run around my screen – each with an obvious mission that I was oblivious of – I was regretting my choice.

I ran around the screen for a good five minutes trying to figure out what my goal was and how to pick up stuff [what's with the controls?!] and since the game is called Fat Princess, I decided to go find said princess. And find her I did but she was a rather skinny princess and didn’t quite live up to the game’s title…until I spied a lonely piece of cake right outside my castle’s walls.

As I dashed through the gates, I was met by this blue bastard who attacked me and sent me back to where I started. What. The. Hell.

After some quick internet research, I realized that the princess in my castle wasn’t actually my princess but the other team’s and that I needed to keep their princess pleasantly plump so that she would be good and heavy and they would have a harder time stealing her back.

So I fed her. And I fed her. And I fed her.

And each time I came back with more cake, she was less fat than when I left her and every time I ventured out for more cake, I got killed.

My error was that Fat Princess is a team game.

Everyone has a role to play and you can’t do it all on your own. I don’t play well with others so team games aren’t my strong suit.

What’s funny is that I must be a glutton for punishment since I plan on buying Fat Princess.

There was just something about the way that the game is designed and the deceptively simple premise that endears it to me and makes me want to feed that damn princess.

Find IGN’s review of Fat Princess below.

Image|Sony

Post from: EveryJoe

I Suck at Fat Princess

I didn’t pre-order the game and I didn’t rush out to buy it. I’m still holding an artistic grudge against Borderlands developers for changing the artistic direction mid-streams but now it’s time to suck it up and get on with it.

Sure. THIS game isn’t the game that I had pictured in my head but from what I got all last night via texts, it is a very, very solid game that “freakin’ rawks” – direct quote.

So, later on today, I plan on heading to my local game rental store and seeing if I can secure a copy of Borderlands. I figure my chances are about as good as a bottle of beer in an AA meeting, but I’m going to give it a shot.

I’ve talked enough crap about Borderlands without actually having any in-hand action and now it’s time to put my money where my mouth has been.

Hopefully I’ll have a review for you in the very near future.

Anyway. Here’s a video I found that IGN did. It’s pretty freakin’ funny. I laughed.

Image|Gearbox

Post from: EveryJoe

Borderlands is for Real Gamers Video

This is what IGN had to say about the expansion.

Post from: EveryJoe

Spore Galactic Adventures IGN Video Review

So, you can’t get much better than a great video by IGN about a possible Bio Shock delay and iPhone coming to Verizon?

Exciting!

Post from: EveryJoe

Possible BioShock Delays?

If this video is an indication of the shooter’s quality, then perhaps I shouldn’t even bother renting it. If you’re wondering how Haze, a PS3-exclusive game, is faring among the critics, have a look at its page in GameRankings. As of this writing, the best review came from Gamers’ Hell. It looks like IGN, the industry’s favorite game ad space website, hates Haze even more.

This Haze ad is beginning to sound more like a desperate attempt for attention.

Post from: EveryJoe

Haze multiplayer ad: Worst. Clip. Ever.

Don’t believe everything you read in the internet, even if they came from so-called reputable game websites like GameSpot, GameSpy, IGN, or Eurogamer. The reviews they’re churning aren’t always as “spot-on” as people say they are.

Case in point: The previously-released reviews for Gears of War’s PC version.

I took the time to read all of them today. Yes, all. And you know what I observed? Aside from the fact that they’re full of crap, the reviews also had a very strong similarity to that of GameTrailers’. The reviews glossed over the important factors that turns Gears from Xbox 360 legend to PC gaming’s latest tragic port.

And indeed, Gears of War for the PC is a tragic port. Despite all my efforts to make the game work, tweak its settings, and update my drivers, nothing prevents it from crashing back into the desktop or causing the PC to reset.

At this point, I simply cannot review Gears of War until a proper patch is released. Why not? Because I can’t move any further than act two. What use is a review if the game isn’t finished or even quarter-of-the-way through?

I have a good question for these so-called reputable sites: How did you finish the game if it had so many hardware issues? It’s either:

1. You’re lying and that you didn’t finish the PC version;
2. You played Gears in Epic or Microsoft’s offices.

Either way, you can’t be trusted.

Unlike larger game sites, FPS Rantings is committed to providing unbiased reviews that are based on real-world conditions. You can be sure of that.

Post from: EveryJoe

Crap-Detector: Previously-released Gears of War PC reviews

I haven’t played Bioshock myself. Aside from the physical barrier of not being able to get a copy because it’s not out yet, my PC’s limitations (despite its still-decent ability) might force me a premature upgrade before I truly get to enjoy this new FPS.

The worst part? According to a few game journalists who got an early ticket to Rapture, the game is really as good as advertised. Maybe even better.

IGN’s Charles Onyett says there is “art [in Bioshock], despite what many would say isn’t possible with games, from Roger Ebert to game designers like Hideo Kojima.” Onyett even goes as far as proclaiming that Bioshock is a wake-up call to the industry at large because playing the game will make you realize why you should demand more from publishers and developers.

Gabe Graziani of GameSpy labels Bioshock not as the spiritual successor of System Shock 2, but as its “spiritual superior.” Pretty strong words for a new game being compared to the proven classic. Graziani adds that “it’s impossible to not recognize the brilliance flooding your senses.”

Andrew Pfister over at 1UP asks if a videogame can make you feel guilty and presents a good scenario involving the Little Sisters and Big Daddies. This after raving about how worthy the game is of your time and money.

As I’ve revealed earlier, the Little Sisters are designed to ask you the moral question of killing malnourished children. If a game is capable of raising these questions, then the developers are indeed doing something right. An emotional connection to games is something you don’t encounter every day (or year).

Let the Xbox 360 gamers cheer for having another outstanding game in their library. In addition, they don’t have to worry themselves over the question of system requirements. After all, they already have enough problems (**cough RRoD cough**).

Post from: EveryJoe

Bioshock reviews tell us there’s more to the hype