– Obama Tells Cheney To Stop Talking Like Somebody’s Grandmother –
Former Vice President Dick Cheney suggested President Obama “do what it takes to win” in Afghanistan. Which is some pretty strange advice, given the fact the U.S. hasn’t “done what it takes to win” any conflict in the last 50 years.
Cheney also chastised the Administration and said, “The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger.”
In a brief reply, the White House suggested Cheney “stop talking like somebody’s grandmother” and “tend to his own knitting.”
In a wide ranging interview, the former Vice-President also said he …read more

– Wal-Mart Fires ‘Asset Protection Officer’ For Chasing Down Shoplifter —
Josh Rutner was a unique Wal-Mart employee. He took his job seriously.
Josh was tasked with being an “asset protection officer” for the gigantic retailer. So, when a customer bolted on the check at Wal-Mart’s food counter and then ran out of the store with 43 dollars worth of golf balls in his pockets, Josh chased the thief down in the parking lot and held him until police arrived.
They held an employee awards ceremony for Josh the next day and rewarded him for actually giving a …read more

– Jail Officials Become Suspicious Of Inmates’ Sudden Interest In Tennis –
Prison officials at the Orleans Parish Prison in Louisiana have served a number of warrants on people who were using tennis balls to smuggle contraband drugs to inmates by lobbing the balls over the walls of the prison.
Guards became increasingly suspicious as inmates abandoned their traditional interest in basketball and weightlifting to suddenly start training as ball boys.
Prisoners explained they had donned sport shirts with a huge Polo logo on the back and were chasing tennis balls as rehabilitation and training for jobs at next year’s U.S. Open Tennis …read more

– Say Dorothy Never Left Kansas, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion May Have Been Professional Actors –
In a reversal of previous statements, Kansas police say they now believe the entire story of Dorothy Gale, the young girl who claims she was denied a return ride to her farm by a wizard in a balloon, was a hoax.
“After studying Miss Gale’s body language and that of other farm hands involved, we have concluded the young lady made the entire story up,” said county sheriff Al Jimerden.
“We felt further investigation was warranted when Dorothy mentioned a talking scarecrow, but we could not discount …read more

– University of Toronto Fruit Fly Researchers Unlock Key To Sex Appeal; First Step: Don’t Be A Fruit Fly Researcher –
A team of incredibly freaky scientists at the University of Toronto say they have uncovered the secret to sex appeal, unleashing what they referred to as a “sexual tsunami” among the fruit flies used in the experiment.
By altering the genetic make-up of fruit flies so they didn’t produce a particular odor or pheromone, the scientists were able to create a male fruit fly which proved irresistible to both the male and female of the species.
Kind of like the Richard Gere …read more

– Blog Action Day 2009 Mobilizes Bloggers In Biggest Waste Of Online Time Since Computer Solitaire –
Has there ever been a more ridiculous time sink than the amount of money, press coverage and trampling of individual choice associated with worrying about global warming?
If someone can point it out to me, I’d love to hear about it.
Take a step back and try to imagine any other reason why reasonably sane people would sit by and consider any one of the following scenarios as a normal, everyday occurrence:
– Allowing the government to make your purchase of big screen TVs illegal
– Having some …read more

–Stories Ripped-Off From The Day’s Headlines –
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Russia Refuses To Back Iran Embargo
Putin Says Sanctions Don’t Work … Better To Use Poison

“Trust me, Iranians love sushi….”
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Pepsi iPhone App Offers Guys Pick-Up Lines, Chance To Post ‘Conquests’ On Facebook
iCreep App Proves Hit With Key Stalker Demographic

Wants you to come up to the house for an energy drink and to meet Mom…
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‘It Ain’t Me … It Ain’t Me … I Ain’t No Senator’s Son’
Son of Ex-Governor Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, Abusing His Father
Oooo, they point the cannon at you…
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Model: ‘I Was Fired For Being Too Large’
And…?

“Back the hell away from my chocolate!”
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Anheuser-Busch InBev …read more

– Lawyers Admit Former CEO Did Illegal Stuff But Argue That Doesn’t Mean He Violated ‘Honest Services’ Statute; Rest of World Says, ‘Huh?’ –
The Supreme Court yesterday scheduled time on its docket to hear an appeal by former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling.
The Court will decide whether to uphold lower court rulings which convicted Skilling on 19 counts of conspiracy, securities fraud, insider trading, lying to auditors and refusing to clap for Tinkerbell.
Skilling and his lawyers are asking the Court to consider whether the “honest services” fraud statute was applied correctly, a move which should make this the fastest case …read more

– Blogger’s Wife Captures Coveted Prize For Groundbreaking Work Proving ‘The More You Spend the More You Save’ –
For the second time in less than a week, the world was shocked at the Nobel Prize Committee’s selection of a winner of one of its annual awards.
Last week’s surprise was Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize for pretty much just being a likable dude as he beat out Matt Damon, Tom Brady and former American Idol contestant David Archuleta.
This week, Dr. Mrs. Jabo (wife of famed humor blogger, Mark Jabo) won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her groundbreaking …read more

– Lawyer Says Roman Polanski Is Feeling Depressed In Jail –
As a general rule, lawyers are irritating as hell. If they’re not busy trying to parse simple English into some unrecognizable formulation to suit whatever side they happen to be collecting money from, they’re issuing stupid statements on behalf of their clients who, in most cases, would be better served if their lawyers just kept quiet.
Which brings us to Roman Polanski’s lawyer. After visiting Polanski in jail, lawyer Herve Temime told reporters he found Polanski to be “tired and depressed” and that the director “seemed very dejected.”
Hey, I’ll …read more