– Tokyo Governor Warns 2016 Olympics Could Be Last Due to Global Warming –
The governor of Tokyo, the largest city in the world, had this to say on the eve of the vote where his city was considered one of the finalists to host the 2016 Olympic Games:
“It could be that the 2016 Games are the last Olympics in the history of mankind .. Global warming is getting worse .. We have to come up with measures without which Olympic Games could not last long.”
Tokyo was officially eliminated as a potential Olympic site due to the fact their governor is …read more

– Pentagon Promises Robots That Feed On Organic Material Are Practicing Vegans –
Robotic Technology Inc. designs robots for the Pentagon. Imagine how excited the Joint Chiefs of Staff were when the folks at Robotic Technology announced they had designed a robot that “can find, ingest, and extract energy from .. the environment .. as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar).”
In the event more traditional fuels aren’t available or are being used to power the hybrid Jeeps of the generals as far away from the impending …read more

– Pictures of Phone Taken By Same Guy Who’s Always Snapping Photos of Bigfoot –
With Apple’s World Wide Developers Conference scheduled for next week, rumors have reached a fever pitch among technophiles, Wall Street executives and people who read Dilbert that Apple will be coming out with a new iPhone.
Stories are circulating that the new iPhone will have voice controls, faster download capabilities and is responsible for sucking the blood out of cattle in Mexico.
Pictures of the iPhone prototype are here courtesy of the same dude who always gets that grainy shot of Bigfoot and UFOs in Kansas.
Analysts expect the …read more

– …the Internet? The Red House Furniture Store: Where Black People and White People Buy Furniture –
This is your feel-good story of the week…
Awesome ad shows we can all get along if only we shop for furniture at the same place.
It’s not just black people and white people … but Hixpanic people, too!
The only thing you’ll hate is the fact you won’t be able to get the jingle out of your head for about a week and a half…
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For the story about how the commercial brought more people together in North Carolina than John Edwards (although that might not …read more

– News Mag Seeks To Test Boundaries of What Readers Will Pay For Stale News and Vapid Commentary –
According to industry sources, Newsweek magazine is about to undergo a major overhaul. The magazine’s parent, the Washington Post, hopes the changes will take Newsweek “from a money-losing position in the weekly-news category to a money-making one in the thought-leader category.”
Or at least to a position of leading the thoughts of people who are waiting to see the dentist.
Barber shops are expected to be especially hard hit as the print magazine moves from surface coverage of news that broke a …read more

– Headlines Ripped Off From Today’s Stories –
Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal
Company Apologizes, Said It Should Have Advertised Offering As ‘Reeaally Happy Meal’

And you thought the Burger King was creepy…
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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal
Complains Meal Came With Wrapper, But No Toy
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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal
Ronald McDonald To Comment Right After He Finishes Cigarette

“As a matter of fact, I do have some fries to go with that shake…”
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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal
Gung-Ho Employee Proclaims “I Was Lovin’ It!”
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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s …read more

– Amazing Next Generation Software Will Be Able To Answer Complex Questions –
Mark your calendar. This week is being billed as a watershed week in the history of teh interwebs.
A British physicist has designed a remarkable new search engine that is said to blow away anything Google has been able to come up with, even if you include the ability to turn off Safe Search.
The new search engine, dubbed the Wolfram Alpha after its founder Dr. Stephen Wolfram, will be able not only to understand basic text queries such as “How high is Mount Everest?” but will also be …read more

Paper Looking To Shrink Internet Presence To Hard Copy Levels
New York newspaper Newsday announced it will begin to charge for online content. The paper said it wanted to give its 17 readers the additional option of reading the paper if someone left their laptop behind on the Long Island railroad commuter train.
Newsday, which bills itself as the Voice of Long Island, broke the news on an conference call in a whiny, nasal twang.
The paper’s owner, Cablevision, also announced it would “write down the value of its $650 million acquisition of the newspaper by $402 million” as well as continue to …read more

Professor Publishes Findings on Her Facebook Site After Tweeting 13,751 Followers
The Daily Mail, covering a debate at England’s House of Lords, is reporting Oxford neuroscientist Susan Greenfield has concluded that social networking sites such as Facebook, Bebo and Twitter “shorten attention spans, encourage instant gratification and make young people more self-centered.”
Or, in other words, these sites make teenagers behave exactly like they have since humans first learned how to use stone tools and fire.
In case you think that being a neuroscientist, Baroness and faculty member at Oxford somehow makes you smarter than anyone else, you might want …read more

Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do …
Fund Manager George Soros Says Current Economic Crisis Worse Than Great Depression
Financier Goes On to Explain He Doesn’t Give A Rat’s Ass Because He Has Gold, Diamonds and ‘Something Like A Bazillion Dollars’ In A Private Vault

You’d smile, too, if you had his money
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Paul Volcker Says Current Economic Crisis Worse Than Great Depression
Former Fed Chairman Announces Contest To Name This Economic Disaster; Early Entries: Super-Contraction-Palooza, The Way More Awesome Depression, D-2: Judgment Day
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Saab Files For Bankruptcy
**Sob!**
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IRS Claims Swiss Bank Helped U.S. Citizens Hide Assets
Duh! That’s What They’re Supposed To Do
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IRS …read more