Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix def. D-Lo Brown and Kelly Kelly
Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. def. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole
Kofi Kingston def. Jamie Noble
CM Punk def. William Regal
Mickie James def. Jillian
Batista and John Cena def. JBL and Kane

Last night RAW crowned a new General Manager. Someone to stop the anarchy and the lawlessness. The expectation was a Gary Cooper, a Governator, a John Wayne, or even (gasp) a Gipper. But we all should have seen the writing of the wall. Chaos has been good for business. RAW’s ratings are up and fans are interested again. Too bad the show’s quickly taken a post-Draft second fiddle to SmackDown.

The night started with the unbelievable promise of a John Cena vs. Batista main event. The two Grade A Superstars wanted to get it on. The were ripe — Cena in a new red V-neck Cenation T-shirt and Batista in a fresh Wes Unseld Washington Bullets throwback — and ready for action. It’s the match everyone has been waiting for and desperate to see.

But the new GM, in his infinite wisdom, thought differently and matched the boiling feuders in a tag team contest against JBL and Kane. Great match turned into boring match in the blink of the new GM’s eye. 0 for 1 already.

After the next match’s Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix steaming too-hot-for TV-PG love fest (OK maybe not) Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran to the ring to face Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr.. Barf-o-rama. Then his tag team partner was announced: Jerry “The King” Lawler. My interest perked up. As Pavement would say “Fight this generation!”

Alas, even that somewhat, kind of OK matchup wasn’t to be. The new GM stepped in and replaced Duggan with announcer Michael Cole. At this point I turned to Mrs. Jabandgrapple and said “I bet Jim Ross is the new GM. He’s the only one who has beef with Michael Cole!” But I should have thought harder. The person making these matchups clearly doesn’t have much wrestling knowledge. (BTW, I think the picture to the left tells us what happened to Carlito. He’s now in the NBA!)

The King did well against the young whippersnappers but at one point he accidentally brushed against his announcing/wrestling partner and Cole was then forced into the ring. Bad news man. Bad news. And we’re not just talking about the fact that the whole match was grappled without an announcer accompanied only by ambient sounds.

King returned to ringside after the match to find Mike Adamle at his side. The former NFL-er was even more mistake prone than usual which provoked Jim Ross himself to rejoin Lawler. The glorious two were reunited, for at least one night. Throughout the night they teased Adamle relentlessly about his wrestling knowledge. Which was fun.

The JR-Lawler re-teaming wasn’t the best part of the night. That was the unexpectedly fun and roughhouse return of William Regal who gave WWE Heavyweight Champ CM Punk everything he could handle (and a real-life bloody nose as well). Regal looked great despite eventually getting pinned in what is Punk’s first non-DQ-related TV win since gaining the title ages ago. Battered and bloody does not a champion make. But we did like the post-match Minor Threat in deference to the bout’s DC environs.

The rest of the night was pretty blah. Kofi Kington looked good and dominant (take note Punk) in a Jamie Noble beat-down. Mickie James hugged her dad at ringside and was as perky as ever in defeating Jillian and the Batista-Cena-JBL-Kane tag team was as horrible and uninteresting as imagined.

But it did lead into the most anticipated news of the night…Who is the new GM?

Mike Adamle. Which explains the bad matches and the Michael Cole vendetta. Have they finally found a way to keep him off the ECW air? Making said liability an even more prominent member of your staff doesn’t strike me as the best way to get rid of him. I’ll give it a chance but I think I liked anarchy better.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/29 WWE RAW Results: A New General Manager

Last night’s Monday Night Raw had a pleading message from Shane McMahon, a big time title change, a title rematch, a touching tribute to a local legend, the imposition of martial law, and the overarching theme of anarchy. Why anarchy? Well, what RAW didn’t have was a GM given Mr. McMahon’s “tragic accident”.

As a result the inmates ran the asylum. And how do the RAW inmates run their Oklahoma City asylum? They prefer comedy skits, long stretches on the microphone, and as little wrestling as possible. As far as wrestling and results go there is precious little to report today. Drama and storyline on the other hand…

The night’s epic introduction began with a terrific going away tribute to announcer Jim Ross; RAW was taking place in his home state of Oklahoma. He called Jerry “The King” Lawler his “older brother” and said how much he’d miss him. As the Wrestlemania XXIV tribute to Ric Flair proved, the WWE does tributes well and JR’s was no exception.

Lest the night get too mushy, Edge appeared in the ring to bust up the feel-good vibe with a few choice bbq and blog-related insults. But his penalty for breaking up the JR love-fest was very very harsh. Batista attacked the Rated-R Superstar and Batista Bombed him to oblivion. At that point CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract, pinned Edge, and won the WWE Heavyweight Title.

RAW got its title back but at what cost? It’s two title holders are the unlikely pair of CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. It has the less prestigious of the two major titles, it lost the number one announcer Jim Ross, and at this point RAW feels like #2 in the brand hierarchy. CM Punk is not a flagship I’m sailing with.

The next segments brought a lackluster Divas match (Mickie James pinned Jillian) a talk-off between Santino Marella and Rey Mysterio, and a “I double-dare you to please please fight me” message from JBL to CM Punk. Next up to grab the stage was John Cena who told us how great his match was last night. He also wants to fight CM Punk. Who wouldn’t?

JBL then appeared and declared martial law via his hired security team. JBL might understand money but political science is not his forte. Only an empowered military force can declare martial law and JBL’s thugs do not meet this requirement.

RAW had now been on for one hour and twenty minutes with NO MEN’S MATCHES. This had to be some sort of record. Finally we got a thirty-second long DiBiase-Rhodes tag team match. After the annoying, pesky, grappling Rhodes and DiBiase talked for about five minutes.

Would a match ever happen? Finally with twenty minutes left in the show Kofi Kingston faced Y2J in an Intercontinental Title rematch. Keeping with the night’s loquacious theme, Y2J opening soliloquy lasted longer than what should have been an entertaining match. It absurdly ended when Y2J was disqualified for pulling Kingston’s shorts too high and America caught a glimpse of Kofi’s butt crack.

When the JBL-CM Punk started Mrs. Jabandgrapple said, “It’s already 10:55 p.m., how are they going to have a match?” I countered, “Five minute match it is then.” And it was. Nevertheless those five minutes were more wrestling time than the rest of RAW’s men’s matches combined! Who won? Nobody. JBL was DQ’d when his security force started scrapping with John Cena and Cryme Tyme.

What does this all mean? It means that Thomas Hobbes was wrong. Anarchy does not bring chaos. Man’s natural existence is not a brutish war against each other. In fact, anarchy brings peace, love, and lots of microphone time.

Post from: EveryJoe

6/30/08 Monday Night Raw: Anarchy Means No Fighting

Th main event this week on Raw was definitely above average in my book with Batista attacking Umaga and Finlay assaulting JBL but the hype for Wrestlemania doesn’t feel any bigger now then when the Big Show-Mayweather match storyline began or the triple-threat WWE Championship main event was set up. Right now I am most looking forward to Flair’s career threatening match with HBK (as surprised as I am to say that), the Money in the Bank match (though it would have been much better in my eyes had Jeff Hardy not been suspended), and the Heavyweight Championship match between Undertaker and Edge. I think last year’s Wrestlemania will be hard to top and perhaps that has made me feel slighted on the promotion of this one but I hope the outside feel will make this Wrestlemania one to remember.

Post from: EveryJoe

Raw Recap (March 24, 2008)