MVP def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Mr. Kennedy def. Shelton Benjamin

Yes, it wasn’t just Tuesday night’s ECW event that we attended. The good people from the WWE also filmed SmackDown three nights ago in Hershey, Pennsylania. And we were there. Here are more of Mr. and Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s live and in real time musings.

1. Jimmy Wang Yang’s entrance music comes on before the show has even started. What is going on? Is he going to wrestle Mick Foley or Jim Ross?

2. SmackDown starts are Jeff Hardy appears. The Ultimate Risk Taker is even more dynamic in person. We love you Jeff Hardy His theme music comes on and we everybody in the Giant Center goes craaaaaaazy. Is he wrestling Wang Yang?

3. The WWE tech people work frantically to assemble MVP’s entrance tunnel, which isn’t that impressive anyway. Is he wrestling Wang Yang AND Jeff Hardy?

4. MVP keeps insulting Jeff Hardy and at this point Mrs. JandG throws some vulgar expletives down towards ringside. After watching the broadcast we’re thankful the WWE’s mics didn’t pick up those choice words.

5. It’s finally evident that MVP is the one fighting Wang Yang. He makes short work of him and we’re waiting for the fireworks between him and Hardy. Let it also be known that the indoor fireworks that accompany your favorite wrestler are FAR louder than they appear in person. Our hearing is still recovering.

6. The biggest cheer of the night comes when Jeff tells MVP to NEVER EVER EVER talk about the fire, about his home, or about his dog Jack. Jeff then hits a choice Twist of Fate and announces YOU MAKE ME SICK! We jump up out of our seats and yell at the top of our lungs, “YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHH” We both actually just repeated that yell right now!

7. Mr. Kennedy says we’re waiting for him to say three words. We wonder what the third word is. Is it Mister Mister Kennedy? or Mister Kennedy Kennedy?

8. Mick Foley admits on air that he listened to Tori Amos to get hyped up for matches. Let’s just say that suspect choice of songs explains a lot about what happens at the end of tonight’s SmackDown…

9. While we watched the Mr. Kennedy vs. Shelton Benjamin match I said “This is the type of technical, highly skilled grappling that true wrestling fans love. So pay attention. It will be a lot more exciting on TV.” (And I was right!) Still, the Mrs. yawned wondering “Well then, why don’t these two don’t involve the crowd more?” I gotta agree.

10. Mrs. JandG labels this contest “The Clairol Match” because both competitors ridiculous sport a amount of hair dye. Shelton’s roots are far less visible making him the pejorative favorite.

11. Benjamin hits a great cross body leap of the top rope but it’s not enough. Mr. Kennedy lands a Mic Check with puts the United States champion out for the count. Sadly, it’s a non-title match and his victory in the best match of the night means nothing.

12. Post match, the astoundingly beautiful Eve Torres approaches the ring. At the quietest moment of the night I yell “I LOVE YOU EVE TORRES” at my lungs’ peak. It doesn’t make it onto air.

13. We’re really impressed by how dexterous and fast Eve moves back to the dressing room in her ridiculously high heels. (5 inches?) BTW, her quickness had nothing to do with my professed love. Just saying.

Post from: EveryJoe

8/1/08 WWE SmackDown: We Were There Again Part One

Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix def. D-Lo Brown and Kelly Kelly
Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. def. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole
Kofi Kingston def. Jamie Noble
CM Punk def. William Regal
Mickie James def. Jillian
Batista and John Cena def. JBL and Kane

Last night RAW crowned a new General Manager. Someone to stop the anarchy and the lawlessness. The expectation was a Gary Cooper, a Governator, a John Wayne, or even (gasp) a Gipper. But we all should have seen the writing of the wall. Chaos has been good for business. RAW’s ratings are up and fans are interested again. Too bad the show’s quickly taken a post-Draft second fiddle to SmackDown.

The night started with the unbelievable promise of a John Cena vs. Batista main event. The two Grade A Superstars wanted to get it on. The were ripe — Cena in a new red V-neck Cenation T-shirt and Batista in a fresh Wes Unseld Washington Bullets throwback — and ready for action. It’s the match everyone has been waiting for and desperate to see.

But the new GM, in his infinite wisdom, thought differently and matched the boiling feuders in a tag team contest against JBL and Kane. Great match turned into boring match in the blink of the new GM’s eye. 0 for 1 already.

After the next match’s Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix steaming too-hot-for TV-PG love fest (OK maybe not) Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran to the ring to face Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr.. Barf-o-rama. Then his tag team partner was announced: Jerry “The King” Lawler. My interest perked up. As Pavement would say “Fight this generation!”

Alas, even that somewhat, kind of OK matchup wasn’t to be. The new GM stepped in and replaced Duggan with announcer Michael Cole. At this point I turned to Mrs. Jabandgrapple and said “I bet Jim Ross is the new GM. He’s the only one who has beef with Michael Cole!” But I should have thought harder. The person making these matchups clearly doesn’t have much wrestling knowledge. (BTW, I think the picture to the left tells us what happened to Carlito. He’s now in the NBA!)

The King did well against the young whippersnappers but at one point he accidentally brushed against his announcing/wrestling partner and Cole was then forced into the ring. Bad news man. Bad news. And we’re not just talking about the fact that the whole match was grappled without an announcer accompanied only by ambient sounds.

King returned to ringside after the match to find Mike Adamle at his side. The former NFL-er was even more mistake prone than usual which provoked Jim Ross himself to rejoin Lawler. The glorious two were reunited, for at least one night. Throughout the night they teased Adamle relentlessly about his wrestling knowledge. Which was fun.

The JR-Lawler re-teaming wasn’t the best part of the night. That was the unexpectedly fun and roughhouse return of William Regal who gave WWE Heavyweight Champ CM Punk everything he could handle (and a real-life bloody nose as well). Regal looked great despite eventually getting pinned in what is Punk’s first non-DQ-related TV win since gaining the title ages ago. Battered and bloody does not a champion make. But we did like the post-match Minor Threat in deference to the bout’s DC environs.

The rest of the night was pretty blah. Kofi Kington looked good and dominant (take note Punk) in a Jamie Noble beat-down. Mickie James hugged her dad at ringside and was as perky as ever in defeating Jillian and the Batista-Cena-JBL-Kane tag team was as horrible and uninteresting as imagined.

But it did lead into the most anticipated news of the night…Who is the new GM?

Mike Adamle. Which explains the bad matches and the Michael Cole vendetta. Have they finally found a way to keep him off the ECW air? Making said liability an even more prominent member of your staff doesn’t strike me as the best way to get rid of him. I’ll give it a chance but I think I liked anarchy better.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/29 WWE RAW Results: A New General Manager

Edge and Vickie Guerrero engage in some break-up arguments
Shelton Benjamin def. Matt Hardy
Mr. Kennedy def. Domino
Chavo Guerrero and Edge have a man to man conversation
Chavo and Vickie discuss Edge

Image details: Bride and Groom Having Disagreement served by picapp.com

Segment One:
Edge is tortured. The wedding is off. Edge gives orders, he doesn’t take orders. The wedding is off. Edge is his own man. Now he’s happy. Vickie Guerrero is not good enough for him. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “word”. The wedding is off. The Baton Rouge crowd still thinks he sucks.

Here comes Vickie wheeled in by Ryder and Hawkins. The crowd thinks she sucks more than Edge. Which is saying a lot. She’s putting the verbal smackdown, as it were, on Edge. She’s forcing Edge to fight the Big Show tonight in a non-disqualification match. So much for standing by your man. The wedding is still off.

Edge counters with “At the end of the night The Big Show is going to be just like you Vickie…a loser!” She cuts his mike. We’re excited for the Main Event and enjoy the squabbling pair who obviously still love each other.

Segment Two:
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin
Shelton is one of jabandgrapple.com’s favorite wrestlers. We’re hoping he gets a push. Before that Mick and JR kiss head writer and former Fabulous Freebird Michael Hayes’ butt with some compliments. Doesn’t that guy already have everything?

Shelton and Matt are engaging in a lot of center of the ring holds. The match started slow but it’s gaining momentum and the crowd is getting into it. Benjamin is partaking in a lot of risky rope leaping but Hardy is not taking advantage. The Gold Standard hits a powerful and unexpected Paydirt (?) and Hardy is out for the count. This was an surprising and abrupt win for Shelton Benjamin.

Segment Three:
Mr. Kennedy is fighting Domino but angers M.V.P. who is doing some co-announcing with JR and Mick. Kennedy is dominating this battle and the brand’s new additions are all looking good. SmackDown is quickly replacing RAW as my favorite show. Kennedy downs Domino with a Mic Check and taunts M.V.P. just a bit. Kennedy is then surprised by Umaga who Samoan Spikes him to M.V.P.’s delight.

Segment Four:
Chavo Guerrero is going to settle the score with Edge and Vickie and make things right. Maybe the wedding isn’t completely off after all…

Segment Five:
Chavo intervenes with Vickie by calling Edge names. Doesn’t he know that this is broadcast on TV? Edge must have a DVR. He says “We’re both Guerreros,” but Vickie isn’t having it. She tells Chavo he’s fighting HHH. Oooooof.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part One: The Wedding Is Still Off

Last night’s Monday Night Raw had a pleading message from Shane McMahon, a big time title change, a title rematch, a touching tribute to a local legend, the imposition of martial law, and the overarching theme of anarchy. Why anarchy? Well, what RAW didn’t have was a GM given Mr. McMahon’s “tragic accident”.

As a result the inmates ran the asylum. And how do the RAW inmates run their Oklahoma City asylum? They prefer comedy skits, long stretches on the microphone, and as little wrestling as possible. As far as wrestling and results go there is precious little to report today. Drama and storyline on the other hand…

The night’s epic introduction began with a terrific going away tribute to announcer Jim Ross; RAW was taking place in his home state of Oklahoma. He called Jerry “The King” Lawler his “older brother” and said how much he’d miss him. As the Wrestlemania XXIV tribute to Ric Flair proved, the WWE does tributes well and JR’s was no exception.

Lest the night get too mushy, Edge appeared in the ring to bust up the feel-good vibe with a few choice bbq and blog-related insults. But his penalty for breaking up the JR love-fest was very very harsh. Batista attacked the Rated-R Superstar and Batista Bombed him to oblivion. At that point CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract, pinned Edge, and won the WWE Heavyweight Title.

RAW got its title back but at what cost? It’s two title holders are the unlikely pair of CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. It has the less prestigious of the two major titles, it lost the number one announcer Jim Ross, and at this point RAW feels like #2 in the brand hierarchy. CM Punk is not a flagship I’m sailing with.

The next segments brought a lackluster Divas match (Mickie James pinned Jillian) a talk-off between Santino Marella and Rey Mysterio, and a “I double-dare you to please please fight me” message from JBL to CM Punk. Next up to grab the stage was John Cena who told us how great his match was last night. He also wants to fight CM Punk. Who wouldn’t?

JBL then appeared and declared martial law via his hired security team. JBL might understand money but political science is not his forte. Only an empowered military force can declare martial law and JBL’s thugs do not meet this requirement.

RAW had now been on for one hour and twenty minutes with NO MEN’S MATCHES. This had to be some sort of record. Finally we got a thirty-second long DiBiase-Rhodes tag team match. After the annoying, pesky, grappling Rhodes and DiBiase talked for about five minutes.

Would a match ever happen? Finally with twenty minutes left in the show Kofi Kingston faced Y2J in an Intercontinental Title rematch. Keeping with the night’s loquacious theme, Y2J opening soliloquy lasted longer than what should have been an entertaining match. It absurdly ended when Y2J was disqualified for pulling Kingston’s shorts too high and America caught a glimpse of Kofi’s butt crack.

When the JBL-CM Punk started Mrs. Jabandgrapple said, “It’s already 10:55 p.m., how are they going to have a match?” I countered, “Five minute match it is then.” And it was. Nevertheless those five minutes were more wrestling time than the rest of RAW’s men’s matches combined! Who won? Nobody. JBL was DQ’d when his security force started scrapping with John Cena and Cryme Tyme.

What does this all mean? It means that Thomas Hobbes was wrong. Anarchy does not bring chaos. Man’s natural existence is not a brutish war against each other. In fact, anarchy brings peace, love, and lots of microphone time.

Post from: EveryJoe

6/30/08 Monday Night Raw: Anarchy Means No Fighting

Regal comes out and turns the lights off again to a chorus of “Regal sucks” chants. He promises to do the entire show in “internal” darkness, which might not be eternal but makes sense somehow. Mr. Kennedy shows up with a silly amount of facial stubble. Regal reminds everyone that “I will not be disrespected!” and orders Kennedy to fight entire ECW in the main event. We hope he bloodies Kennedy’s lip again. He doesn’t, instead choosing to tell us again that “I will not be disrespected.”

Triple H appears presumably to do some disrespecting. But no, he’s still angry for being disrespected. Very angry. He thinks Regal has “declared war on him” by pulling the plug last week. Regal, of course, informs Triple H that he’s joining Mr. Kennedy in the fight-the-whole ECW match. Sounds a little gimmicky and anticlimactic to us.

The Prelims:
The WWE women’s championship is on the line in a lumberjack match, giving the lovely divas another chance to appear en masse. The ersatz spotted owl exterminators do a healthy amount of outside-the-ring scrapping and camera posing. We love it! When the action focus inside the ring on the Beth Phoenix – Mickie James match we are bored. Mickie James wins with a successful inside cradle.

Paul Burchill and his “sister” Katie Lea are set to face some anonymous Canadian. Regal returns Mike Adamle to the announcer’s booth and Jim Ross is grumpily forced to the sidelines. Luckily the match is over quickly and we don’t have to listen to Adamle for much longer. Did you know Adamle played in the NFL for six years? Hard to believe.

The Build-Up:
Shawn Michaels is forced to team with his half-hearted rival Chris Jericho against WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison. If Regal were to turn the lights off during this match the collective glitter on the four competitors’ pants would sufficiently illuminate the Air Canada Centre. Michaels chooses not to tag during the entire match because of bum knee but it’s his well-timed sweet chin music that send Morrison to the canvas for good. Michaels drags his knee back to the locker room. It’s a wonder he can even walk.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. Wrestler vs. rassler, exciting vs. boring, jumper vs. stomper, ECW vs. WWE, pale skin vs. baby-oiled tan body, career riser vs. nepotist. It’s a welcome budding rivalry but not that exciting a match. Regal agrees, enters and turns the lights off. Match over.

Highlight of the broadcast so far: a terrific Carlito’s Cantina with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Santino Marella. They trade insults the best being Roddy telling Santino to “get a designated driver.” The segment ends with Cryme Tyme and Cody Rhodes doing a pro-Piper hip hop chant while Roddy does a joyous Irish jig. Hilarious stuff.

Before JBL beats D.H. Smith to a pulp he shows us the inside of his limo, flashes his crotch for a painful 20 seconds or so, calls Canada a toilet bowl, and steps over the line with some repulsive Hart Foundation insults. We didn’t think it was possible but we hate him even more.

The Main Event:
Thirteen (or is it fourteen) ECW competitors proves too much as Chavo Guerrero pins Mr. Kennedy after a Kane chokeslam. Then the fun starts. Triple H starts attacking everyone, the ECW teammates attack each other and then Triple H. A steel chair is brought in, somehow Triple H gets it and starts going wild and then, and then my DVR cuts off because we’ve reached the alotted 9:00 – 11:05 broadcast. ARRRGGGGGHHHH. The show really does go on this time; it’s not a repeat of last week.

Luckily I also watched live and at the DVR-cutoff moment William Regal (presumably) cuts the lights. Again. It’s pitch black in the Air Canada Centre. Chaos, madness, mystery. The lights return and it’s just Triple H and RANDY ORTON! in the ring. Jim Ross asks “Where did Orton come from?” We wonder “where did the entire ECW go?” Orton swiftly RKO’s Triple H and stands over his prone adversary with unconvincing menace. Ross calls him “evil”. Great, great ending.

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: “Before We Turn Off the Lights” Edition