MLB Demands Rays Drop Remaining Games Selig: “We Want The Red Sox To Win The East”; Manager Joe Maddon “Irritated”

New York – MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced that baseball has requested that the Tampa Bay Rays “play ball” and lose their remaining 8 games. “We want the Red Sox to win,” said Selig, who after congratulating the Rays for losing on Sunday to the Twins cautioned the club to make certain all losses were  “plausible.” 

“No one – including their fans – gives a crap about Tampa Bay,” explained Selig. “No one goes to their games. No one watches them on TV.  No one will watch them in the post-season. That’s bad.”

“Bud told me, ”You’ve had your fun,’” explained Rays manager Joe Maddon, “and that we had to finish second. He said it was time to get back to losing like we always do. I don’t agree with that.”

Maddon, who could be guiding the Rays to the greatest single season turnaround in baseball history, admitted the conversation was ”pretty irritating,” even though he understood that baseball was a business focused on making money.

“Bud explained that it was all about TV ratings. Ad money. And I understand we gotta keep food in the owners’ mouths,” said Maddon. “But geez whiz, asking us to lose? That’s cold.”

Maddon said he had a meeting today with Rays’ team owner Stuart Sternberg to discuss the situation. “I don’t know what he’s going to say. This is pretty delicate,” said Maddon.

Despite having the second-best record in the American League at 92-62, Tampa Bay is drawing barely 21,000 fans a game, the league’s lowest figure.

“Most people in Florida are afraid of heights, explained Maddon (Florida is the flattest state in the nation) “and our fans have to drive over high bridges to get to Tropicana Field. That’s just too much to ask of folks.”

Almost nobody – literally – is watching on TV either. Television ratings for the 75 Ray games broadcast on FSN Florida are the lowest ever reported according to ratings company AC Nielsen – and have prompted the team to pay its 2,000 some-odd viewers $4.00 per game to tune in.

“We just can’t stay in business if we have to pay people to watch,” explained team owner Stuart Sternberg. “That’s simply not a viable business model.

“You know, it’s lonely at the top,” said Sternberg, “look at poor Mr. Bush. Maybe we don’t need it.”  

Surprisingly, a number of players seemed to understand the request to embrace defeat. “We don’t make any money, we hardly ever get arrested,” said outfielder B.J. Upton. “We deserve to lose.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Rays to Drop Games So Sox Can Nab Division Title?

See, just when you think every angle of a story has been covered, Frank Coffey and his eTrueSports Goodfellas prove once again that they dig deeper than any other news organization. (As for what they dig—who are we to judge?)

New York – Bob Watson, MLB’s dean of discipline, has handed Shelley Duncan an additional punishment resulting from last week’s Yankee-Tampa Rays flareup, ordering the Yankee first baseman to write, “I will not slide into second base with my spikes high,” 500 times on college-ruled paper.

“Bummer,” said a subdued Duncan.

Rays manager, Joe Maddon, all ready incensed at the lightness of Duncan’s three-game suspension, erupted again at this new penalty. ”He pulls a punk-ass stunt and this is all he gets? Anybody can write!”

Hours after the Watson ruling, sources close to eTrueSports reported a Duncan sighting at a Staples office supply store in Bradenton, FL not far from the Yankee’s Tampa spring training base where he was observed purchasing a box of No. 2 lead pencils and three yellow legal pads.

“He was wearing a black Fedora and a trenchcoat,” said the source. “But the flip flops gave him away, Shelley loves flip flops.”

Our take? It could have been worse. He could have been forced to write “I will not act out S & M fantasies on the baseball field.”

Post from: EveryJoe

Duncan’s Penalty Goes Beyond Suspension, Fines

That being said, we feel compelled to post this follow-up on yesterday’s Yanks-Rays brawl.

Seems Tampa Bay GM Joe Maddon thinks those Damn Yankees are also Dirty Yankees:

“What you saw today was the definition of a dirty play. There’s no room for that in our game. It’s contemptible. It’s wrong. It’s borderline criminal. I can’t believe they did that.”

Can you believe those jerks? What’s wrong with them? Why they should—oh sorry, we got caught up in the moment and started a fantasy rant of our own.

If we’re lucky, Hank Steinbrenner will open his trap and make things even more interesting.

Oh, and here’s the ESPN clip (3m, 55s) of the brawl. What we like is the YouTube poster’s running tally of Rays RF and would-be linebacker Jonny Gomes’ ”you know”s in the post-game interview. 

Post from: EveryJoe

“Dirty” Yankees and “You Know” Tally for Jonny Gomes