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World’s First Recipient Of New Jaw And Tongue Smiles

…Then Licks Eyebrows Just To Mess With Everyone

Now, about that frog in my throat….
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Scientists Confirm Reports Of Swine Flu In Turkeys

Country Braces For November Outbreak of Turducken Flu

Oh, my Lord! …the swine flu got the turkey!
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Ms. Venezuela Wins Miss Universe For Second Year In A Row

Strongman Chavez Declares Hot Venezuelan Women A National Resource, Nationalizes All Sexy Latinas for Good of the Country

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AFL-CIO Leader Named To Be Head Of NY Fed

Central Bank To Hire Four Hundred Bankers Who’ll Stand Around And Do Nothing; Fed Won’t Intervene in Markets During 4-Hour Lunch Break

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GM To Remove Logo From Cars

Will Put Toyota Insignia On Cars In Attempt To Get Someone…Anyone…To Buy Their Cars

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GM To Remove Logo From Cars

Company Hopes Government-Made Cars Won’t Take On Same Cachet As Government Cheese

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Officials Give Go-Ahead For Wal-Mart Near Civil War Battlefield

Civil War Buffs Protest; Generals Grant and Lee Surprisingly Unmoved By Controversy

Yankee Soldiers Aim To Take Out Rebel Sign Advertising Everyday Low Prices
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Elizabeth Edwards To Open Furniture Store In North Carolina

Store Will Specialize in Futons, Pull-Out Couches For Den And, Surprisingly, Doghouses

“I’m not just a husband, I’m also a customer…”
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Elizabeth Edwards To Open Furniture Store In North Carolina

One Day Only Lorena Bobbit Sale Offers Women Free Scissors With Every Futon Purchase

Scissors can also be used to shred unwanted sex tapes…
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Images: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Business News Headlines — 08/25/2009

As a grand jury in North Carolina meets to determine if there is enough evidence to bring charges against former presidential candidate John Edwards for using campaign funds to illegally buy silence about his affair, sources in North Carolina today said John Edwards is finally prepared to admit to being the father of a child out of wedlock.

Contrary to rumors, Edwards will not be admitting to fathering the child of Rielle Hunter, the woman he had an affair with in 2008, but rather will claim to be the father of Blanket Jackson.

“It’s pretty simple really,” explained Edwards, “This way I can get the National Enquirer off my back and, at the same time, stand to get a piece of the Jackson estate.”

“Hey, it isn’t any creepier than anything else I’ve done,” added Edwards.

In a related story, Edwards announced he will be joining Eliot Spitzer on Spitzer’s 2009 “We’re Only Human” Tour. The two politicians will be appearing in 35 cities across the country in an attempt to explain why we should believe anything they say.

Oh, and to score some serious political groupie tail, too.

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“There is this one minor little detail I left out, but this time I’m going to be honest with you….”

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

John Edwards To Admit Paternity

Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Company Apologizes, Said It Should Have Advertised Offering As ‘Reeaally Happy Meal’

And you thought the Burger King was creepy…

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Complains Meal Came With Wrapper, But No Toy

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Ronald McDonald To Comment Right After He Finishes Cigarette

“As a matter of fact, I do have some fries to go with that shake…”

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Gung-Ho Employee Proclaims “I Was Lovin’ It!”

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Watchdog Group Says Incident is ‘Just Another Example of How McDonald’s Continues To Resist Offering Consumers Low-Carb Options’

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Senators Leahy and Specter Urge Picking Non-Judge, Someone With ‘Real-Life Experience’ For Supreme Court Opening

Senators Also Say They Would Like To Open Field of Brain Surgery To ‘Anyone Who Has Traveled Overseas’

Senators feel this whole ’specialized knowledge’ thing is over-rated…

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Bush Library Raises $100 Million In 100 Days

Amount Believed To Be Largest Ever For ‘Hooked On Phonics’ Program

“Man, that’s a lot of syllables…”

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John Edwards Under Investigation For Misuse Of Campaign Funds

In Other News … Fish Under Investigation For Swimming, Birds To Be Charged With Flying

One is a slimy, bottom-feeder; the other is an elongated fish

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Image: richkidsunite on Flickr
Image: ianz on Flickr
Image: OakleyOriginals on Flickr
Image: bobster1985 on Flickr
Image: cheetah100 on Flickr
Image: Llima on Flickr

Post from: EveryJoe

Bizlevity Business News Headlines – 5/5/09