“Richard Emery just has to quit smoking his own dope,” said Rusty Hardin, one of Clemens’ attorneys.

Goodness, was Rusty Hardin this hi-larious when defending Arthur Andersen?

Post from: EveryJoe

Rusty Hardin Strikes Again

After yesterday’s bigger-waste-of-tax-dollars-than-usual, the backwater lawyers of each client continue to spout off about nearly anything and everything. Now, although Roger Clemens hasn’t been convicted (or charged) with a crime, Brian McNamee’s lawyer thinks President Bush will pardon Clemens. Sure, why the hell not?

Lawyer Richard Emery made the claims Thursday, a day after a congressional hearing broke down along party lines. Many Democrats were skeptical of Clemens’ denials he used performance-enhancing drugs and Republicans questioned the character of McNamee, the personal trainer who made the accusations against the seven-time Cy Young Award winner.

“It would be the easiest thing in the world for George W. Bush, given the corrupt proclivities of his administration, to say Roger Clemens is an American hero, Roger Clemens helped children,” Emery said in a telephone interview. “It’s my belief they have some reason to believe they can get a pardon.”

In summation, don’t mess with Texas.

Post from: EveryJoe

Everyone Seems to Think That This Clemens Thing is Important

Clemens: Remember what Carmelo Anthony says about snitching?
Don’t.

Andy Pettitte, who admitted to using HGH immediately after he as accused of doing so, is likely to testify to that effect before Congress. This is probably going to screw Roger Clemens, but whatever, Clemens has his own foolproof statistical defense which cannot be refuted in any way!

“Based on what we know, there was a situation where Andy was speaking to Roger in Brian’s presence, then Andy came over to Brian and essentially said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this stuff?’ He referred to HGH,” Ward said. “Brian discouraged him and then several months later, when he (Pettitte) got injured, he came back and asked Brian about it, and that’s when Brian injected him. We believe that based on the fact that Andy came to Brian and asked him about HGH, it was Roger who told Andy about HGH and that’s why he asked Brian about it.”

Richard Emery, another lawyer for McNamee, said his client and Pettitte also discussed steroids use by Clemens.

“Pettitte is certainly going to tell the truth and if he tells the truth everything will be fine,” Emery said.

Goodness, Congress is already boring, hearing people talk about talking about talking about steroids isn’t going to help at all.

Post from: EveryJoe

McNamee: Pettitte to Snitch, and Snitch Good

Here’s the whole thing. All 409 pages of it. Four-freaking-hundred and nine. Is that really necessary? I mean, we could have just done with a list. It could have said these guys were stupid enough to have steroids delivered to their house or pay with checks.

Television has ruined my attention span. There is no way I can read that whole thing without going crazy. I need my sports information presented to my by a black man and an old Jewish man in 30 second intervals. Sorry Mitchell Report.

Anyways, here’s the notable (and in no way surprising) names from the report.

Roger Clemens – A power pitcher with a bit of an anger problem who performs suspiciously well in the latter stages of his career.

Andy Pettite – Peer-pressure is a very powerful tool. Especially if the peer pressuring you is some roid-ragin Texan.

Gary Sheffield – But only because it makes it more difficult for MLB to control him.

Barry Bonds – Someone get Pedro Gomez!

Miguel Tejada – B-12 shots.

Eric Gagne – But still refuses to get Lasik.

Chuck Knoblauch – Mad him so strong he threw the ball much farther than he used to, which presented a problem.

David Justice – He needed it considering he never missed the playoffs, he was just getting tired.

Jason Giambi – So that’s what that “stuff” was.

Post from: EveryJoe

The Mitchell Report Proves that Congress is Unnecessarily Wordy

Yeah, well screw you.

Sincerely,

The Federal Government

Post from: EveryJoe

Hey Sports Fans, Did You Enjoy Not Having to Hear about Barry Bonds Incessantly?

Ricky Williams is back, my friends! And after Mike Vick’s kennel, Chris Henry’s various misadventures, Tank Johnson’s stash of guns, Pacman Jones’ making it rain, and all the various other NFL misdeeds since your departure, you really are like a breath of fresh air. Well, maybe not fresh air.

Post from: EveryJoe

Welcome Back Ricky!

They’re trying to trademark “Rocktober.” Seriously. They’re concerned that it’s going to be used on unlicensed merchandise. But they’ve apparently forgotten about the countless number of classic rock stations that have been calling October “Rocktober” for years. They will have thousands of angry DJs on their hands. And those DJs sound tough, they have really low voices and they kind of growl sometimes. Plus, they rock hard. You don’t want to mess with them, Colorado Rockies.

Also, there is a distinct possibility a crazed rock singer will return from the dead and hunt every one of you down.

Post from: EveryJoe

The Colorado Rockies vs. Every Rock Radio Station Ever

See, Michael Vick signed his contract. Then he got a bonus for signing his contract. They called this a “signing bonus.” Recently, Michael Vick was convicted on dog-fighting charges. This is all pretty despicable. To my knowledge, he hasn’t gone back in time and not signed his contract. So, because I’m not a lawyer, it makes little sense to me that Vick now has to return substantial amounts of his signing bonus, along with other bonuses. (Boni?)

The arbitrator says that this is because Vick was in violation of his contract — and knew of the violations — when he signed it. See, this is a load of baloney. The Falcons were signing him to be a quarterback, knowing full well that he really was a wide receiver playing quarterback. Everyone knew that contract was a sham, but the Falcons wanted to sell some jerseys. Everybody wins. Except the dogs, the dogs still lose.

Post from: EveryJoe

I Have No Idea What a Bonus Is Anymore

Al Sharpton wants Isiah Thomas to apologize to women. Isiah Thomas doesn’t want to apologize to women. This, apparently, is his reasoning.

“You can’t say that. You can say what you didn’t say because if you say what you didn’t say, than y’all print what is said. That’s how you got me on the Bird stuff,” Thomas said. “Whenever you say something, it just twists it.”

Well, it’s time to bust out the ol’ actual meaning translator, because I’m not sure that means anything at all.

…translating…

…translating…

“Ummm….bitch?”

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: Isiah Thomas Edition

Former Northern Colorado backup punter Mitch Cozad was sentenced to seven years in prison Tuesday for stabbing a rival in what prosecutors said was a brutal attempt to take over the starter’s role.

“Clearly, this was deliberate to hurt him, and you succeeded,” Weld County District Judge Marcelo Kopcow told Cozad as he announced the sentence.”The goal is to not ruin your life,” Kopcow said. “I would like you to succeed in your life.”

Prosecutors said Cozad ambushed starting punter Rafael Mendoza on the night of Sept. 11, 2006. Mendoza was left with a deep gash in his kicking leg but later returned to the team.

Now he’s going to be someones backup punter in jail. That means something in prison lingo, right? Backup punter. I think it is. I mean, the first day, you have to kick someone’s ass or be someone’s backup punter.

Post from: EveryJoe

For This Punter, the Term “Shank” Will Take on a Whole New Meaning