Former Vice President Dick Cheney suggested President Obama “do what it takes to win” in Afghanistan. Which is some pretty strange advice, given the fact the U.S. hasn’t “done what it takes to win” any conflict in the last 50 years.

Cheney also chastised the Administration and said, “The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger.”

In a brief reply, the White House suggested Cheney “stop talking like somebody’s grandmother” and “tend to his own knitting.”

In a wide ranging interview, the former Vice-President also said he felt the country needed to start using the word “fiddlesticks” more and lamented the decline of cut crystal candy dishes.

“Quite frankly,” said Cheney, “The country’s gone to hell in a hand basket since I’ve left office. These young whippersnappers have no sense of fun. Why, we used to watch that fellow Andy Rooney every week on 60 Minutes. He was a real hoot.”

In a related story, the Vice-President did have high praise for continued efforts by the Obama Administration to put the government in control of everything and curtail individual rights.

“Damn fine job on that score,” said Cheney. “Damn fine job…”

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“Take my advice, don’t you pay any attention to 300 years of military history, either…”

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Image: Zuma Press

Post from: EveryJoe

Cheney Tells Prez: Stop Dithering on A’stan

Has there ever been a more ridiculous time sink than the amount of money, press coverage and trampling of individual choice associated with worrying about global warming?

If someone can point it out to me, I’d love to hear about it.

Take a step back and try to imagine any other reason why reasonably sane people would sit by and consider any one of the following scenarios as a normal, everyday occurrence:

– Allowing the government to make your purchase of big screen TVs illegal

– Having some faceless bureaucrat determine where, when and how you can take a vacation

– Worry about the extinction of an Arctic animal whose population has quadrupled in the last 30 years while listening to someone suggest it may be time for legislation to ban giving birth to human children

– Burning bunnies for biofuel

Really, people. When we’re feeding corn to our cars and bunnies to our heating plants we’ve officially lost our minds.

Although, I hear poodles make great tiki torches and putting them to good use at a barbecue is the kind of widespread social change we should all be willing to get behind.

I think we just found our cause for Blog Action Day 2010.

Let’s go over a few key points in the global warming kerfuffle…

1) Nature does not have intrinsic value. And it most certainly doesn’t have intrinsic value at man’s expense. In many ways, this is the key underpinning on which much of the global warming discussion rests.

Should human’s be allowed to use nature to better their lives or is man, as a number of environmentalists have phrased it, a “virus on the face of the planet?”

Or, as Objective Standard editor Craig Biddle notes, why is it the case that “..glaciers must be left free to grow or shrink according to natural causes, but any human activity that might affect their size must be prohibited. Naturally generated carbon dioxide (such as that emitted by oceans and volcanoes) and naturally generated methane (such as that emitted by swamps and termites) may contribute to the greenhouse effect, but such gasses must not be produced by man”?

It’s time we stopped apologizing for progress and making life better for ever increasing numbers of people. If the cost of progress is one-tenth of a degree of planetary warming every 10-15 years, so what? We’re humans. We’re at the top of the food chain and we can adjust.

If you live in New York City and the average temperature were to climb 10 degrees in the next — let’s get totally crazy and say — decade. What would be the big deal? That’s not environmental Armageddon, that’s Miami, Florida.

2) All climate is local. Right now, people in the northern U.S. are experiencing record cold temperatures. And, quite frankly, it sucks. But there are plenty of folks in South America, Arizona and Italy who have really great weather.

If the average global temperature goes up two degrees over the next century, yes, there will be more people sweating for longer periods of time in North Carolina.

But guess what? Fewer people in Vermont will freeze to death. We’ve had different climates in different parts of the world for 50,000 years now and people have lived all over the globe and adjusted. Even when cable TV consisted of the funniest guy in a loincloth reporting on the day’s mastodon hunt.

3) When it comes to climate, we have comparatively very little idea of how it works. See also: global drought predictions in the 70s, global warming predictions for the past 10 years and hurricane predictions for the last five years.

Now, do we really want to have the audacity and arrogance to suggest we know the exact right temperature the world should be kept at?

I can’t even agree with my wife on how to set the temperature in our bedroom, can you imagine the debate in the U.N. over how cold to keep Hamburg, Germany?

And perhaps the only thing nuttier than thinking we have the ability or scientific knowledge to come within five degrees of whatever target we decide on is putting the government (or even worse, a committee of governments) in charge of executing and paying for such a plan.

Remember when we were told how if the polar ice caps melted sea levels would rise and flood 80% of the world’s coastal cities? It was going to be a disaster of Biblical proportions.

But wait… most of the talk this past summer was how it would soon be possible to sail a boat over the North Pole. It was the worst polar ice melt anyone had ever seen.

Do you remember how the Statue of Liberty was almost completely submerged this summer because of this massive loss of Arctic ice mass? Yeah, me neither.

As far as I know, Ms. Liberty never even got her toes wet. Chalk it up to another successful climate change prediction.

Can we all just take a minute and admit we are largely clueless and powerless when it comes to a controlled altering of global weather, temperatures and overall planetary climate ambiance?

And yet, like some gigantic, collective, bad handyman husband … it’s just so hard to resist the urge to take a stab at re-wiring the entire planet.

You’d stand a better chance of Jon and Kate Gosselin performing successful brain surgery than having the United Nations get within 10 degrees or 10 billion dollars of whatever it was they were trying to do.

So, thanks for stopping by on Blog Action Day but, as regards the topic of climate change, we should all kick back and relax.

And find something more important to worry about — like whether Ryan and Ashley DiLello are both going to make the final 20 on So You Think You Can Dance.

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Yippee! December in Nova Scotia!

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Global Warming. So What?

For the second time in less than a week, the world was shocked at the Nobel Prize Committee’s selection of a winner of one of its annual awards.

Last week’s surprise was Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize for pretty much just being a likable dude as he beat out Matt Damon, Tom Brady and former American Idol contestant David Archuleta.

This week, Dr. Mrs. Jabo (wife of famed humor blogger, Mark Jabo) won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her groundbreaking work proving it was possible to save money by buying things on sale.

Committee members spent three weeks poring over a 3700 page rationale explaining why, if you bought that sexy little black Tahari outfit when it was on sale, you’d actually end up with more money than if you hadn’t spent 70% of the suit’s original price.

“Quite frankly,” noted one committee member, “we didn’t really understand the math behind it but by the end of the presentation we figured it would just be easier to agree with the young woman.”

Dr. Mrs. Jabo predicted it would not be the last time a woman won the Nobel Prize. “There is exciting work being done by female scientists in the field of psychology which explains why it’s totally reasonable for women to want men to want to go antiquing during the NBA playoffs,” noted the doctor.

In what could be a rare husband-wife win, Mark Jabo is in contention for this year’s Nobel Science Prize for his theory of quantum physics which offers empirical proof of how your wife is always right … or will be eventually.

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Honey, it all makes sense. Just do the math…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Nobel First! — Woman Wins Economic Prize

NASA has finally settled on the target for the missile it plans to launch into the surface of the moon this Friday. The agency has announced it will send its “lunar impacting probe” into the crater Cabeus A near the moon’s south pole.

The purpose of the LCROSS bombing mission is to determine whether there is sub-surface ice on the moon and also to scare the crap out of any members of Congress who might be considering cutting funding of the space agency.

Discovering sub-surface ice is important because the ice could be used as a source of water for efforts to build a colony on the moon’s surface.

Ice would also mean the surface of the moon could support construction of a trendy night club which NASA scientists believe would make it much easier to talk Lindsay Lohan and the entire cast of Entourage into getting on a lunar shuttle to “the new hot club” and thereby enrich the life of everyone remaining here on Earth.

LCROSS, which stands for Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite, should not be confused with other ambitious science experiments such as the 90’s rap group KRIS KROSS and Mr. Show comic and Arrested Development star DAVID CROSS.

NASA has repeatedly stressed that the LCROSS is way cooler than KRIS KROSS but admits it’s not nearly as funny as the CRuel Observations and Society Skewering humor of DAVID CROSS.

The blast from the lunar missile is expected to be visible to amateur astronomers using a commercially available telescope.

The impact was planned for Friday night because none of those guys were going to get laid this weekend anyway.

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It’s all fun and games until somebody puts and eye, or a crater, out…

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Warm it up, NASA…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

NASA To Bomb Moon On Friday

The Washington Post described Mercedes Sosa as “an electrifying voice of conscience throughout Latin America for songs that championed social justice in the face of government repression…”

That characterization comes as close as any to encapsulating the magic and influence Sosa embodied in her life. She was a performer of immense power, passion and sensitivity.

May she rest in peace.

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La Negra, The Voice of Latin America

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An English translation of one of Ms. Sosa’s most famous songs, Gracias A La Vida (Thank You To Life):

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me two beams of light, that when opened,
Can perfectly distinguish black from white
And in the sky above, her starry backdrop,
And from within the multitude
The one that I love.

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me an ear that, in all of its width
Records— night and day—crickets and canaries,
Hammers and turbines and bricks and storms,
And the tender voice of my beloved.

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me sound and the alphabet.
With them the words that I think and declare:
“Mother,” “Friend,” “Brother” and the light shining.
The route of the soul from which comes love.

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me the ability to walk with my tired feet.
With them I have traversed cities and puddles
Valleys and deserts, mountains and plains.
And your house, your street and your patio.

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me a heart, that causes my frame to shudder,
When I see the fruit of the human brain,
When I see good so far from bad,
When I see within the clarity of your eyes…

Thanks to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me laughter and it gave me longing.
With them I distinguish happiness and pain—
The two materials from which my songs are formed,
And your song, as well, which is the same song.
And everyone’s song, which is my very song.

Thanks to life
Thanks to life
Thanks to life
Thanks to life

Post from: EveryJoe

Thank You To A Life

The International Olympic Committee didn’t even make the pretense of giving Chicago serious consideration for the Olympics as the city was eliminated in the first round even before Tokyo and it’s bat-shit crazy governor who thinks the world’s going to come to an end after the 2016 Olympics.

The worst part about the committee eliminating Chicago is now we’ll have to hear a bunch of Republicans and talk-radio dudes spin this as some kind of failure on the part of President Obama or a reason to read Sarah Palin’s new book.

The Olympic Committee doesn’t give reasons for elimination of various cities because it’s considered bad form for the committee to complain a particular country didn’t come across with enough hookers or swag.

Plus, the whole point of the Olympics is to watch TV and learn stuff about another country.

The only thing you’d learn by watching the Olympics in Chicago is how to drink beer, eat deep dish pizza and funnel city contracts to your cousin’s construction firm.

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“Maybe we can use the banner to wish for the Cubs in the World Series in 2016…”

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Image: Zuma Press

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BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: THEY GO TO RIO!

Hold on to your wallets…The Olympic Committee awarded the 2016 games to Rio.

With bonus Olympic scoring before the song…

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Post from: EveryJoe

Olympics Won’t Be In Chicago

The governor of Tokyo, the largest city in the world, had this to say on the eve of the vote where his city was considered one of the finalists to host the 2016 Olympic Games:

“It could be that the 2016 Games are the last Olympics in the history of mankind .. Global warming is getting worse .. We have to come up with measures without which Olympic Games could not last long.”

Tokyo was officially eliminated as a potential Olympic site due to the fact their governor is a complete idiot.

This dude is too stupid to host a game of hide-and-seek let alone the biggest sporting event in the world.

Even by standards of trying to get a parking spot in downtown Tokyo, predicting something is going to be “the last in the history of mankind” is a wildly ridiculous statement.

You might as well predict Godzilla is going to kill us all some time in the next decade because there’s a better chance you’ll get stepped on by a giant lizard than being killed by the temperature in your city going up half a degree over the next century.

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Handicappers in Tokyo had 100-1 odds city would get the Olympics even before governor spoke…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Tokyo Eliminated As Site For Olympics

Newsweek has finally unlocked the puzzle of what makes suicide bombers tick — other than that homemade timer strapped to their chest.

According to a recent article Newsweek says all terrorists share the same three common traits: testosterone, a narrative fantasy and a desire to make theater.

Which means we should immediately arrest Nathan Lane.

Somebody at Newsweek must have had their Thesaurus out all night, too. Because, at the end of the day, shoe-horning the three traits into phrases which could then be used to form an acronym which translated to T-N-T couldn’t have been an easy task.

See, Newsweek cleverly chose that acronym because it stands for a type of high explosive and also because they know drama.

This kind of spiffy journalism is only helping accelerate the downfall of mainstream media outlets.

While I was reading the article, I just couldn’t help but thinking there was another common trait among suicide bombers which escaped Newsweek’s attention…

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with religion…

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Nathan Lane is pure dynamite … on Broadway!

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Newsweek Reports On Terrorist ID Traits

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Barack Hussein Obama.
Equal work means equal pay.
He wants a longer school day…

Hey! Wait! What the hell?! We didn’t sign on for that…

Call it an introduction to politics. Less than a week after singing the praises of their leader, the kids of Bernice Young Elementary School expressed outrage at the Administration for advocating a longer school day.

“The way it was explained to me,” one youngster said, “You’re supposed to get special favors when you come out and support the ruling party. Like, y’know, getting some kind of bailout to help you pay for a iPod or being able to explain away cheating on a test as ‘an honest mistake.’”

“All we got was a plan to make us spend more time in school,” the elementary school kid griped.

Administration officials defended the plan for an extended school year saying the extra time would help kids learn the importance of money and pandering to special interests in creating policy.

Republicans criticized Obama’s plan to add hours to the school day as tantamount to “packing children into railroad cars, sending them to labor camps and then exterminating them.”

In a related story, RNC Chairman Michael Steele criticized the Campbell advertising slogan, “Mmm. Mmm. Good.” saying it was a veiled attempt to link President Obama’s policies with the goodness of soup.

When asked for an opinion about the comparisons to Nazi Germany, a reasonable Republican was unavailable for comment because no one could find one.

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RNC Chairman Michael Steele explains why he thought the movie ‘Inglourious Basterds’ was about last year’s Democratic Convention…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Obamatrons Feel Betrayed By President

East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer is not only photogenic, he’s also the inspiration for a re-working of the classic Rod Stewart hit, Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?

Let’s call it Do Ya Think You Can Elect Me?

Eric sits alone, waiting for the vote count,
He’s so nervous, wond’ring how the pictures got out,
His lip gloss is dry, his outfit’s so revealing
It’s hard to imagine what the hell he was thinking.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on, sugar, vote for me.
If you want your mayor to be so very freaky,
Come on, honey, take a peek.

He’s not so shy, dressing like Beyonce,
Come on, admit it .. I look very sexy,
Now hold on a minute, that looks like a sausage
Give me a dime, so I can call the vice squad.
They leak the pics to all the local news teams
At last voters know exactly what they’re getting.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on, sugar, vote for me.
If you want your mayor to be so very freaky,
Come on, honey, take a peek.

The Internet’s starting to hum
‘Cause we’ve seen his erogenous zones,
“Relax, baby, I only do this at home.”

East Cleveland wakes at dawn to startling revelations,
The mayor in a thong, could cause some hesitation
How should I vote? This town’s in a recession
What’s more important? The budget or cross-dressing?
The mayor won’t deny it, when reporters all come flocking
“Not now, sugar, I’ve got a run in my stocking…”

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on, sugar, vote for me.
If you want your mayor to be so very freaky,
Come on, honey, take a peek.

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Sing-a-long version

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Fun re-mix

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Post from: EveryJoe

Mayor Triggers Rod Stewart Song Revival