Dear Michigan,
You are an embarrassment to the Big Ten. Notre Dame played a fucking SLOPPY game, and they still ran all over you. How many turnovers were there again? Which led to how many touchdowns?
Let me remind you. YOU HAD SIX TURNOVERS. You just handed the Fighting Irish dozens of points. I mean, if you want to see the play-by-play, just go to ESPN. You know, in case you mentally decided to block out the game.
And really, it wasn’t just one player. Brandom Minor fumbled, ND recovered at the Michigan 11. Brandon Walker fumbled (on the …read more

Dear Jamar Hornsby,
Are you kidding me?
Seriously…are you kidding me?
Usually, I still have some level of respect for anyone who does something wrong and then turns himself in. In the end, if you feel badly and want to make things right, I’ll forgive you in whatever way a BCS blogger who does not know you can forgive you.
But not you, Jamar Hornsby. For you, there is a special circle of hell just waiting.
You stole a credit card – and that I understand. It is tempting to do that when you’re a poor college student trying to make ends …read more

Dear ESPN and Other General Sports News Outlets,
I’d rather lick Tank Johnson’s inner thighs after a long, hard workout than hear about West Virginia and Rich Rodriguez in yet another news story or blog post. People are f’ing nuts.
Look, I know that the whole state of West Virginia has their panties up their collective ass just thinking about their former ex-coach. I know that the college is being about the douchiest it can possibly be without actually sticking a squirt bottle in their pants. I know that the trial is going to the federal courts just so a judge can …read more

Dear Mike Hart,
I hate Michigan. I mean…hate. As a die-hard Penn State fan, I feel it is my duty to loath your team with every cell of my being. I’m sure you understand.
And yet, I wanted you to win the Heisman.
Let’s be honest – there aren’t really any top candidates for this year’s award. Last year, your fifth-place showing was impressive, and your entrance to the Purdue game was nothing short of spectacular. You weren’t just Michigan’s lead rusher…you were the nation’s leading rusher. And I’m behind you on that.
Has your ankle injury during the second quarter against …read more

 
Dear South Carolina,
Thank you for not sucking tonight. Congrats on your victory over Kentucky.
That is all.
xoxox,
Allison
Photo: AP/Patrick Collard

Dear Kellen Tillman,
Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously. Are you kidding me? Sure, we all like to have fun in college, but even a dumb jock can remember to hide his weed. You just don’t drive around with a bag of pot in your backseat. You keep it in your house, you shove it between the seat, or you shove the baggie down your pants. I mean, what’s the problem? What, you have no room in your pants? Ha!
If you were going to do something stupid at this point in the football system, you could have at least tried …read more

Dear Notre Dame,
I’m not singling at one player or another. It’s not Jimmy Clausen’s fault you suck. I’ve turned on your game, and was surprised to see that Purdue is already on the board, after less than five minutes of playing. Seriously. I mean…what the hell, guys? And if it weren’t for that penalty, they’d already have a touchdown. On the first possession. Seriously.
So, I do have a bit of advice for you guys. Stop sucking. I feel like maybe no one told you that. Maybe you don’t understand the game of football. The point is to have the ball …read more

Dear Anthony Morelli,
I bet your weekend sucks, but let me be the first to assure you that you have not disappointed your Penn State fans. After all, this is what we expected of you. We know better to to believe that you wouldn’t choke during this game, one of the most important of the system. You may have been suffering from an inflated ego since your team pounded the last three opposing teams, but we knew better. We knew that this game marked the first “real” game of the season. Beating Jimmy Clausen and his pathetic line isn’t really …read more