You are an embarrassment to the Big Ten. Notre Dame played a fucking SLOPPY game, and they still ran all over you. How many turnovers were there again? Which led to how many touchdowns?

Let me remind you. YOU HAD SIX TURNOVERS. You just handed the Fighting Irish dozens of points. I mean, if you want to see the play-by-play, just go to ESPN. You know, in case you mentally decided to block out the game.

And really, it wasn’t just one player. Brandom Minor fumbled, ND recovered at the Michigan 11. Brandon Walker fumbled (on the kickoff), ND recovered at the Michgian 14. ND put four touchdowns on the board…and that’s all just in the first half.

Sigh.

This is more than a new coaching staff and getting used to playing under Coach Rod. This is about not having your act together.

I mean…you let THIS GUY beat you:

“Grrrr…lulz”

Unbelievable. *Shakes head* What do you even say to that?

The rest of your schedule is going to wipe your asses with your faces if you don’t clean up your playing. A loss to Notre Dame would have been fine if they were actually playing well. They weren’t, and you played worse. Hide your heads in shame.

xoxo,

Allison

Pictures via Newscom.

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear Michigan

Are you kidding me?

Seriously…are you kidding me?

Usually, I still have some level of respect for anyone who does something wrong and then turns himself in. In the end, if you feel badly and want to make things right, I’ll forgive you in whatever way a BCS blogger who does not know you can forgive you.

But not you, Jamar Hornsby. For you, there is a special circle of hell just waiting.

You stole a credit card – and that I understand. It is tempting to do that when you’re a poor college student trying to make ends meet.

That said – you DO NOT steal the credit card of a DEAD fellow student who passed away after a motorcycle accident with Michael Guilford, one of your teammates.

I want to know how you got Ashley Slonina’s credit card. I want to know why you thought it was any kind of OK to use it. It wasn’t like you used it just once. According to the sheriff’s office – you used the card SEVENTY TIMES to make over $3000 worth of purchases.

But that’s the kind of person you are, isn’t it? I mean, I took a look at your record. In your short time with Florida during the past two seasons, you caused $750 worth of damage during a fight last spring and were suspended from the team for selling tickets to the game in violation of NCAA rules. You have a problem with authority, huh?

To Ashley’s and Michael’s families – all the best. I know things like this only make it harder.

To you, though, Mr. Hornsby…rot in hell, please.

xoxox,

Allison

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear Jamar Hornsby,

I’d rather lick Tank Johnson’s inner thighs after a long, hard workout than hear about West Virginia and Rich Rodriguez in yet another news story or blog post. People are f’ing nuts.

Look, I know that the whole state of West Virginia has their panties up their collective ass just thinking about their former ex-coach. I know that the college is being about the douchiest it can possibly be without actually sticking a squirt bottle in their pants. I know that the trial is going to the federal courts just so a judge can say “pay it up, asshole.”

And I’m sick of hearing about it. How about we talk about who Rod will get to replace Mallet and Henne? How about we talk about the new coaching staff at West Virginia? Hell, right now, I’d rather here about f’ing Jessica Simpson ruining Tony Romo’s game.

No, I take that back. I’d rather puncture my eardrums with a dull fork.

My point is this: How about we report on some actual news for once? F the WV vs. Rod bullshit.

xoxox,

Alli

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear ESPN and Other General Sports News Outlets

I hate Michigan. I mean…hate. As a die-hard Penn State fan, I feel it is my duty to loath your team with every cell of my being. I’m sure you understand.

And yet, I wanted you to win the Heisman.

Let’s be honest – there aren’t really any top candidates for this year’s award. Last year, your fifth-place showing was impressive, and your entrance to the Purdue game was nothing short of spectacular. You weren’t just Michigan’s lead rusher…you were the nation’s leading rusher. And I’m behind you on that.

Has your ankle injury during the second quarter against Purdue put you out of the running? Sigh. I hope not. You seemed in good spirits from the sideline, and Coach Carr has remarked that you often bounce back quickly. I hope you come out full force next week against Illinois and kick a little ass. Oh, and congrats on the Michigan win this weekend, even if you didn’t play the whole game.
After all, I like to keep things “in the family” so to speak. Now that Ohio State has a chance at the national title, wouldn’t it be great if the Big Ten took home the first place finish AND the Heisman?

So, this is not a letter of annoyance or hate or even sarcasm. This is a genuine note from me to you, Mike Hart. Get well soon.

xoxox,

Allison

AP Photo/Carlos Osorio

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear Mike Hart,

Dear South Carolina,

Thank you for not sucking tonight. Congrats on your victory over Kentucky.
That is all.

xoxox,

Allison

Photo: AP/Patrick Collard

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear South Carolina

Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously. Are you kidding me? Sure, we all like to have fun in college, but even a dumb jock can remember to hide his weed. You just don’t drive around with a bag of pot in your backseat. You keep it in your house, you shove it between the seat, or you shove the baggie down your pants. I mean, what’s the problem? What, you have no room in your pants? Ha!

If you were going to do something stupid at this point in the football system, you could have at least tried to steal your girlfriend’s car from a tow yard without paying, assaulted a teammate, or, if nothing else, tampered with the evidence (hey, there’s still time).

So here’s a lesson for us all: stop carrying your pot around. Better yet, stop smoking pot altogether, ESPECIALLY if you play a college sport. If you honestly don’t care about your team, coach, and fans enough to simply not smoke weed, than you don’t deserve to be a part of that college experience. Grow up.

xoxo,

Allison

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear Kellen Tillman

I’m not singling at one player or another. It’s not Jimmy Clausen’s fault you suck. I’ve turned on your game, and was surprised to see that Purdue is already on the board, after less than five minutes of playing. Seriously. I mean…what the hell, guys? And if it weren’t for that penalty, they’d already have a touchdown. On the first possession. Seriously.

So, I do have a bit of advice for you guys. Stop sucking. I feel like maybe no one told you that. Maybe you don’t understand the game of football. The point is to have the ball in YOUR possession.  If you play defense, you’re supposed to STOP the other team. If you’re a bit confused about your role on the team, perhaps you should get off the field.

And offense, I’m not letting you off the hook. You just haven’t played yet. I fully expect you to suck today too. Really, why don’t the Purdue guys just pull down their knickers for you, because you all seem to be on your knees with your mouths hanging open already.

Prove me wrong. I like to cheer for the underdog, and if you give us a good game – even if you don’t win – my faith in your team will be a bit renewed.  Or, at least, you won’t be an embarrassment to the Big Ten anymore.

xoxo,

Allison

Post from: EveryJoe

Dear Notre Dame

I bet your weekend sucks, but let me be the first to assure you that you have not disappointed your Penn State fans. After all, this is what we expected of you. We know better to to believe that you wouldn’t choke during this game, one of the most important of the system. You may have been suffering from an inflated ego since your team pounded the last three opposing teams, but we knew better. We knew that this game marked the first “real” game of the season. Beating Jimmy Clausen and his pathetic line isn’t really an accomplishment.

So my question to you, Mr. Morelli, is this: do you like your major? Because this is your last year to play football in any kind of public capacity. You do know that, right? Will you quietly disappear into obscurity and be a park ranger or whatever you always dreamed of being when you grow up?

Or, will you continue to come back to every game, standing on the sidelines, being a guest commentator, and doing interviews to memorialize your college? I hope you chose the disappearing. Have a little dignity.

Until then, I will continue to cheer for you. But, I don’t have to like it. You may be a lion, but your attempts to lead this team to victory make me sad. Oh, how I miss Paul Posluzny and Tony Hunt.

XOXO,

Allison

Photo: AP/Tony Ding, ESPN.com

Post from: EveryJoe

A Letter to Anthony Morelli