Match Number Eight
Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship

Triple H Wins

A WWE phone poll says 55% have more sympathy for Edge while 45% side with Vickie. We can’t believe that many people are with Vickie. Really surprising. Another Eve Torres moment…

…

…

Where were we? Edge comes out with nearly as much greasy wet hair as his opponent. The greasy hair gap has been closed. Edge to Edge. The bell rings and Edge rushes at him with the intensity of a woman scorned. Triple H easily eschews his impetuousness and starts the assumed beat down.

The entire front row has turned away from the ring and is waving to the cameras. Tells you something about the excitement level of the match, no?

Edge gains control of the match after slamming HHH into the ringside stairs. He pounces on Triple H outside the ring and slams him into an announcer’s booth. Edge has HHH into a body scissors subsmission hold. We’re hoping somebody appears soon to liven to the match up be it Vickie, The Undertaker, or maybe both.

There’s been some good back and forth but little drama. There we go. Edge hits a nice DDT on HHH outside the ring. Nothing amps up the fun like a near double count out. Edge pushes the de-energized HHH into the ring and goes for the pin. 1-2 and not quite 3.

HHH catapults Edge into the turnbuckle and lands a DDT of his own. No pin though. HHH keeps favoring his ribs. Could he be on hiatus for a baby birth as well?

At this point both men are woozy. HHH eludes a rushing spear and then another countering the last with a Double Edge Spine Buster. He can’t finish him with the Pedigree though. Now Edge is going for a debilitating Superplex. Success. But as Mrs. JandG explains, “That move is stupid, it hurts them both equally.”

Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner rushes to the ring and grabs the belt. She’s followed by Vickie Guerrero and those two engage in a heated cat fight. Edge looks to break it up and lands a vicious spear on his wife. Edge is in shock and Triple H capitalizes. He lands a Pedigree and pins Edge. Night over about fifteen minutes early. We wonder, did Triple H hurt his ribs and ask for the match to end? Hard to say.

***

Match Number Seven
John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL Wins

OK, so it’s not exactly a parking lot, it’s more like the bowels of the Nassau Coliseum. JBL is armed with a crowbar and wearing a dress shirt and tie. Thank heavens we don’t have to see his boobies. This match is in no way live.

JBL is searching everywhere for Cena who is in the driver’s seat of of Lincoln which hurtles into the Ford JBL is standing on. Product placement. Cena jumps at JBL armed with jumper cables which he attaches to JBL’s privates and connects to the car’s battery. Electric relaxation!

Cena’s next implement of destruction is a beer keg which he smashes into a car window. JBL escapes to the front seat where Cena slams his head into the wheel numerous times.

JBL lands his first successful move when he slams Cena into a car door which promptly breaks off. Mama JandG says “He should body slam him into the limousine’s bull horns.” My mom has some kind of imagination. She continues, “Cindy Rowe (a Harrisburg-area auto glass repair shop) is going to make out with this match!”

JBL’s attempts to pin Cena are unsuccessful so he grabs a crowbar and begins smashing windows. He puts Cena into the back seat of a Ford and grabs a gasoline container from his limo. He pours the fuel onto the Ford, pops open his zippo, and lights the car on fire. WWE employees immediately appear with fire extinguishers.

Cena jumps out of the car refreshed. He puts JBL in another Ford and hops onto a forklift. He’s carrying the car into the ring! This match is finally going to happen with a live audience. The painful silence is over. Thank heavens. The bout was live after all.

This match has been all flash with little reward. Cena looks up to the clock to make sure he can end it. He hits a five knuckle shuffle but before he hits the STFU JBL tosses him into the car’s windshield which immediately shatters. JBL pins the, um, shattered Cena. This bout was a stupid cartoon imitation of a wrestling match and not nearly as interesting as it might read. May they never fight again. Please. Worst match of the night. Mrs. JandG says “Stink-O-Rama.”

Both fighters look visibly hurt, probably just cuts from the windshield glass.

***

Match Number Six
CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Double Disqualification because Kane interferes; Punk retains title.

So you’re telling me that the World Heavyweight Championship gets a lower billing than the Cena-JBL non-title match? Or is that match not happening? And why is Punk coming out first? Isn’t he the title holder? No respect at all.

This match is definitely a make or break match for Punk. I don’t think it’s going to happen. Mama JandG concurs, “If that little guy beats Batista then something’s up.”

Papa JandG says “Punk’s going to win this. I’m telling you.” This is a contentious house. So far the match’s action feels awfully forced and pretty unrealistic. Batista lands a powerful suplex and now has Punk in a Camel Clutch. Batista looks like he is enjoying beating Punk up. Mama JandG is also enjoying the match, “That Batista sure is put together!”

The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb but is too close to the ropes. Punk is on the move now and hits Batista with a kick to the side of the head. 1-2 and not quite 3. The Animal kicks out. Punk almost land another fall after splashing Batista from the top rope. Batista then counters and almost takes the Straight Edge One down.

Batista’s next move is a vicious clothesline and things are getting good now. The action is outside the ring. Batista has Punk hurt and pushes him into the ring for the easy pin but Kane interferes, choke slams Punk, and the ref ends the match with a double DQ.

Kane again mutters “Is he alive or is he dead?” before ruthlessly knocking out a cameraman with a swift boot. He leaves the ring area where Heavyweight Champ Punk is still reeling with a bloody mouth. The Animal re-enters the ring and lands a convincing Batista Bomb. Punk can’t keep the title for much longer. He’s proving to be a boy amongst men.

***

Match Number Five
Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship

Michelle McCool Wins

How do you follow an epic, bloody match between two veteran hall of famers? That’s right. A WWE Divas match. Natalya has McCool in a really cool looking move called a Surfboard. Mrs. JandG remarks, “That Michelle McCool is awfully flexible.” Um, um, what do you say to that?

Natalya puts McCool into a Sharpshooter but McCool is able to get the the ropes. McCool gets Natalya into a Brazilian heel hook and the Anvil’s daughter taps out far too soon. The wrong person won.

After the match Eve Torres enters the ring dressed in a stunning short yellow dress. But before I can ogle any more Chris Jericho disrupts the night’s most perfect moment by announcing that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina and is done. Hasn’t Y2J received an advance copy of Four Kings? Doesn’t he know that Sugar Ray Leonard fought like a dozen fights with that same injury? Evidently not. This feud is not over.

***

Match Number Four
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho Wins

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for! So soon in the broadcast? Jericho enters the ring with a very intimidating vest. HBK comes in in all orange and a cowboy hat. Has his eye healed? They stare down as if they’re in love for about 15 seconds. It’s on.

Michaels is already grabbing his ribs as if he is hurt. What a faker! HBK quickly puts Y2J into a figure four leg lock. The match is all about the throwback. Jericho hits a great drop kick off the second rope and then grabs his knee. Mama JandG says “These guys are real complainers.” She continues “Can you imagine how sweaty Shawn is in those leather pants?” No we can’t.

This match is already living up to our expectations. Both competitors have landed a series of terrific moves. The momentum is building at a wonderfully steady pace. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho but it looks like HBK is going to get to the ropes. He does.

Near fall after HBK nails Y2J with a powerful forearm. He’s now traveled to the top rope. Y2J sprints over to the ropes, shaking HBK’s vitals down onto the turnbuckle. Shawn looks to be turning purple. They’re now grappling from the top of the turnbuckle. HBK kicks him off and hits an elbow to Jericho’s heart. Instead of the pin he amps up the crowd.

Lance Cade tries to interfere but HBK easily disposes of him. There are two neat counters from both wrestlers which almost result in pins. Michaels then does a backflip FROM THE TOP ROPE onto Cade and Jericho who are standing outside of the ring. Wowee zowee.

HBK’s eye has been split open and is bleeding profusely! Jericho sees it and goes on the attack. The spewing blood is making for great drama. The ref wants to stop the match but Michaels is too much of a man.

Y2J headbutts the cut and punches the cut. He’s gleefully inflicting injury. The camera zooms in on HBK’s face and we’re straining to find the gash. HBK is in a bad way. He’s hanging on for dear life grabbing onto the front of Jericho’s trunks. The ref puts an end to the action; Michaels’ eye has been through too much.

The medical staff comes in to help Michaels but curiously they do not wipe the blood off his face or tend to the cut. Great match but I wish they would have let it go on.

***

Match Number Three
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship

Mark Henry Wins

Big big surprises so far. Two title changes in two huge upsets. This pay-per-view has had a terrific start…until now. Mark Henry enters the ring with Tony Atlas. Tommy Dreamer follows with Colin Delaney.

Mr. Jabandgrapple’s mom starts laughing hysterically. “That guy is so big. He’s like a brick wall!” Announcer Tazz announces “Mark Henry is a brick wall.” Eerie. So eerie.

Mama JandG continues “This is so hard to watch. Mark Henry looks like he is breaking his arm. Why isn’t Dreamer screaming in pain? Scream, Dreamer, scream!”

The room breaks into audible Nooooo! as Henry looks to flop onto Dreamer. Tommy eludes him at the last second. Tommy Dreamer seems like he is in control on the top rope. He lets out a Tarzan scream and is going to finish Henry off.

But no! Colin Delaney double crosses his mentor, grabs Dreamer’s arm and the ECW original goes flying into the canvas. Henry pins him easily as Delaney walks off with snarly self satisfaction. We didn’t see that twist coming.

***

Match Number Two
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

for the United States Championship

Shelton Benjamin Wins

This match was not announced! We are pleasantly delighted. This one is for the technical wrestling fans. These two fought a few weeks ago in an underwhelming SmackDown match. Let’s hope this one is an improvement.

There’s been a lot of holds. Hardy has spent most of the time outside the ring and/or in pain. Benjamin continues the punishment. He’s clearly going to lose.

Shelton has Matt in a submission hold and the crowd is chanting for a Hardy resurrection. I yell at Papa Jabandgrapple to “watch the match and stop doing a crossword puzzle!” Mrs. JandG says “This match is painfully boring, you can’t force it on anyone.”

I say, “But what about Benjamin’s terrific kick out of nowhere that just happened and Hardy’s super body slam and resulting leg drop from the top rope?”

“Not enough, but Gold Standard’s catch of Hardy and toss into the turnbuckle was pretty cool.”

Hardy’s had two 2 7/8 near falls and the match is picking up. Hardy goes for a moonsaw and Benjamin catches him in the face with his knees. The Gold Standard then hits a Paydirt and Hardy is out. 1-2-3 pin. New United States Champion.

***

Match Number One
Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way

Ryder and Hawkins Win

This opening match surprises me. I thought Mark Henry would be starting this one off. The bell rings, Festus goes crazy and everyone clears the ring…except Hornswaggle. The little leprechaun flies out of the ring and now The Miz is facing the Of Mice and Men lead character.

Hawkins and Ryder have just made their first entry in the ring on an unintentional tag for Morrison. The fun has just nosedived as the Edgeheads pound and hold.

There are far too many tags for me to keep up with by the way. Morrison does an attractive leap over the top rope to fell Finlay. Miz and Morrison have become a terrific tag team and really deserve this win. Finlay almost pins Ryder but Miz and Morrison break the fall. Ryder then almost pins Finlay but Hornswaggle breaks it up. Will there be a pin tonight?

Indeed there is. Miz and Morrison enter the ring too quickly to break up a Festus pin of Hawkins. Hawkins then pulls Jesse into the ring, pins him, and gains the WWE Tag Team Title. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is disgusted. She says, “I hate when mediocrity is rewarded!” We have to agree.

***

Not even a Pennsylvania summer thunder storm can stop me. www.jabandgrapple.com’s internet coverage was out until 7:56 p.m. but it’s on now! The Great American Bash live blog is about to begin.

Post from: EveryJoe

Great American Bash 2008 Live Blog

Finlay and Hornswaggle def. The Miz and Morrison
Triple H def. Chavo Guerrero
Natalya and Maryse def. Michelle McCool and Cherry

Image details: Flavio Briatore And Elisabetta Gregoraci Wedding Ceremony served by picapp.com

Segment Six:
Will Finlay and Hornswaggle ever stop fighting The Miz and Morrison? Aren’t all four now in ECW? Mick and JR discuss Hornswaggle drinking a Guinness and I’m thinking about ending this live blog early and heading down to my local Irish Bar establishment.

Finlay lands a terrific Celtic Cross on Morrison but The Miz breaks it up. While the ref is tsk-tsking Morrison and telling him to leave the ring Finlay hits The Miz with the shillelagh knocking him out cold. Hornswaggle tags in and flops off the top rope and onto the Real World rebel pinning him one-two-three. Does this mean we’re going to have to see these four fight yet again? We’re afraid so.

***

Hold up. A local commercial for the July 29 ECW/SmackDown event in Hershey, PA says the Main Event is Triple H vs. Edge for the WWE Championship. We…are…so…there.

***
Segment Seven:
Bam Neely stares down HHH and looks like a much more impressive opponent than Chavo. In due time. In due time. Notably, Charles Robinson is back in the ring reffing the match. Apparently his Great Khali-induced head trauma wasn’t so bad after all.

Chavo is doing his best but this match is a heavyweight versus a cruiserweight. HHH hits a Spine Buster, punches Bam Neely, and follows with a Pedigree. Chavo is done. Vickie is some kind of kin. The crowd seems to love The Game. What are we missing? Speaking of cruiserweights, it’s now 9:00 p.m. and we’re about to begin the difficult dance of flipping between boxing and pro wrestling. A personal favorite, Tomasz Adamek, is fighting tonight and we have double duty.

Image details: WWE Smackdown – Sydney served by picapp.com

Segment Eight:
Michelle McCool is so pretty, Cherry not so much. Neither are a match for third generation wrestler Natalya who makes Cherry tapout with a neat sharpshooter and after the match destroys Michelle with a quick snap suplex. During the match Natalya’s partner Maryse just sort of stood around. Let it be known Maryse standing around is fine with me. Jeez Louise she’s something else.

Natalya is a good wrestler and we’d love to see her fight Beth Phoenix. If she doesn’t win the SmackDown women’s title at The Great American Bash then justice hasn’t been served.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part Two: Still No Wedding News

Edge and Vickie Guerrero engage in some break-up arguments
Shelton Benjamin def. Matt Hardy
Mr. Kennedy def. Domino
Chavo Guerrero and Edge have a man to man conversation
Chavo and Vickie discuss Edge

Image details: Bride and Groom Having Disagreement served by picapp.com

Segment One:
Edge is tortured. The wedding is off. Edge gives orders, he doesn’t take orders. The wedding is off. Edge is his own man. Now he’s happy. Vickie Guerrero is not good enough for him. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “word”. The wedding is off. The Baton Rouge crowd still thinks he sucks.

Here comes Vickie wheeled in by Ryder and Hawkins. The crowd thinks she sucks more than Edge. Which is saying a lot. She’s putting the verbal smackdown, as it were, on Edge. She’s forcing Edge to fight the Big Show tonight in a non-disqualification match. So much for standing by your man. The wedding is still off.

Edge counters with “At the end of the night The Big Show is going to be just like you Vickie…a loser!” She cuts his mike. We’re excited for the Main Event and enjoy the squabbling pair who obviously still love each other.

Segment Two:
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin
Shelton is one of jabandgrapple.com’s favorite wrestlers. We’re hoping he gets a push. Before that Mick and JR kiss head writer and former Fabulous Freebird Michael Hayes’ butt with some compliments. Doesn’t that guy already have everything?

Shelton and Matt are engaging in a lot of center of the ring holds. The match started slow but it’s gaining momentum and the crowd is getting into it. Benjamin is partaking in a lot of risky rope leaping but Hardy is not taking advantage. The Gold Standard hits a powerful and unexpected Paydirt (?) and Hardy is out for the count. This was an surprising and abrupt win for Shelton Benjamin.

Segment Three:
Mr. Kennedy is fighting Domino but angers M.V.P. who is doing some co-announcing with JR and Mick. Kennedy is dominating this battle and the brand’s new additions are all looking good. SmackDown is quickly replacing RAW as my favorite show. Kennedy downs Domino with a Mic Check and taunts M.V.P. just a bit. Kennedy is then surprised by Umaga who Samoan Spikes him to M.V.P.’s delight.

Segment Four:
Chavo Guerrero is going to settle the score with Edge and Vickie and make things right. Maybe the wedding isn’t completely off after all…

Segment Five:
Chavo intervenes with Vickie by calling Edge names. Doesn’t he know that this is broadcast on TV? Edge must have a DVR. He says “We’re both Guerreros,” but Vickie isn’t having it. She tells Chavo he’s fighting HHH. Oooooof.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part One: The Wedding Is Still Off

I’m posting the WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results right here live. If I’m up to it I’ll live blog clever comments any funny stuff. If nothing funny or clever appears then I outsourced the Night of Champions results posts to Mrs. Jabandgrapple.

Match #8
Triple H def. John Cena to retain the WWE Championship

John Cena has to win this one. SmackDown can’t have both titles. Nevertheless, Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s intuition leans toward Triple H bringing both titles to Friday night. I have to agree.

Michael Cole says “If you’re not excited about this one then go home.” Well, I’m not excited about this one and I’m already at home. So what should I do?

Cole characterizes Cena as HHH as fan favorites. We wonder “who exactly likes Triple H besides the McMahons?”

It’s been all posing for the opening few minutes. Now it’s turned into a brawl with Cena getting the better of the proceedings. Now it’s HHH’s turn to be in charge.

Cena hits two flying shoulder spears but dawdles instead of pouncing on Triple H. Cena goes to the top rope and straddles Hunter to the ground. Next up is a powerful body slam. But he dawdles again and HHH certainly CAN see him.

HHH’s second attempt at a Pedigree goes horribly wrong as Cena counters and tosses him out of the ring. Helmsley grabs his left knee and grimaces in pain.

Cena quickly attacks the knee so the injury isn’t “real” like Randy Orton’s broken collarbone at One Night Stand. Phew.

John Cena lands the STFU but HHH gets to the rope and forces the hold broken. HHH hits a powerful Pedigree and looks to have pinned Cena but it is not to be.

Cena hits the FU and I thought he had the pin. They’re now trading blows in the center of the ring while the crowd lustily cheers. Cena dawdles again but this time hits the Five-Knuckle Shuffle.

Cena now has him in the center of the ring and caught in the STFU. HHH is in pain. Can he get to the rope? Yes, but Cena drags him back. HHH counters with a submission hold of his own. Cena will NEVER tap out, we say. His neck is stronger than Triple H.

While in the submission hold he picks up HHH but The Game counters with a Pedigree and pins John Cena. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “Wrestling sucks!” and I can’t disagree. Eff Triple H, Eff the McMahons, Eff them all. Regardless, this was a great match.

Cena leaves the ring holding his shoulder as if he’s injured his pectoral again. We hope that isn’t true.

Match #7
Edge def. Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I say Batista wins this one and brings the #2 belt to RAW while HHH retains the #1 belt and brings in to SmackDown. Full disclosure, I want Edge and Cena to win. The winner of this match definitely will determine the winner of the next match, right?

Edge is running around trying to make Batista chase him but The Animal contains his rage, catches Edge and controls the action early on.

Edge grabs control back by slamming Batista into the ring post and then viciously kicking him out of the ring with a well-timed slide.

I know how much everyone hates Edge but he’s a really underrated wrestler. He’s clever, athletic, and entertaining. That’s the full package IMHO. My broadband connection is cutting off so much now that listening to this match is like trying to decipher the garbled dialogue of the Miami Vice movie.

Edge has been in charge for the last five minutes now and currently has Batista in a modified sleeper hold. A hold that can’t contain the Animal. No siree!

Batista rushes headlong into Edge, but the Ultimate Opportunist counters nicely and nearly pins the Animal. Batista is hurting now but manages to land a blow to Edge’s head. They’re both on the canvas now.

When they arise it’s Batista who establishes control. He hits a clothesline and a spear but somehow Edge lifts his shoulder before the three count. Edge counters a Batista Bomb attempt with a DDT but can’t close the deal.

Batista uncharacteristically goes to the top rope but Edge drops him. Vickie Guerrero is now being wheeled to the ring by the blonde tag team twins.

Batista is about to pin Edge when Vickie jumps out of her wheelchair and stops the pin. Edge knocks the referee out and Chavo Guerrero enters the ring to be the guest ref. Batista grabs Vickie and tosses her out of the ring onto Chavo and Bam Neely.

Bedlam has ensued. Edge rolls Batista while we are all distracted by a pain-soaked Vickie. He pins the Animal while Chavo provides the three count and retains the title.

Match #6
Mickie James def. Katie Lea to retain the WWE Women’s Championship

Mickie won the Championship in England, will she lose it to someone “from England”? I like Katie Lea’s costume switch from cheesy velvet to glistening purple leather. Are Mickie James’ pants made of snakeskin or is it just my poor broadband connection?

The WWE Divas just don’t hold the same cachet for me when they’re not in high definition. Mickie James pins Katie Lea after landing a gutsy DDT.

Match #5
Kofi Kingston def. Chris Jericho to win the Intercontinental Championship

Y2J is now here to “save himself from all of you.” instead of saving everyone from whatever it is he’s saving them from. His mystery challenger is Kofi Kingston. We LOOOOVVVE Kofi Kingston but we also love Y2J. This promises to be our favorite match of the night.

We can’t believe Kingston has already been given a pay-per-view slot fighting a pro wrestling legend. What a step up! Kofi brings it with some impressive leaps and a fantastic splash jump over the ropes that hits an out-of-the-ring Y2J.

Jericho has turned brawler now and is smashing Kingston against the apron. The tide has turned as the match has descended into a brawl, something Kofi is not skilled at.

Kofi isn’t ready for this leap in competition but his turn has been a lot more game than most. He just doesn’t have the ability yet to sell a long match. Kofi lands a few moves and almost pins Y2J after countering a Walls of Jericho with a Small Package.

There’s been like five 2 7/8 counts for Kingston so far. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho and Shawn Michaels rushes to the ring. He hits Lance Cade, who is standing at ringside, with Sweet Chin Music and Y2J is distracted.

Kofi takes advantage and PINS Y2J TO WIN THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE! This turn of events is unimaginable. Jabandgrapple.com is sooooo excited.

Y2J is understandably angry and attacks Shawn Michaels hitting him in his already injured eye. HBK writhes around on the ground in pain. His and Y2J’s feud will continue but fresh blood has a title. This is a welcome turn of events for the WWE.

Kingston could become a fitting heir to high-flyers like Jimmy Snuka (who amazingly never was able to win the Intercontinental Title) and Ricky Steamboat (who was the greatest Intercontinental Champ of all time).

A high-flyer should have the Intercontinental Title and we’re glad one has it now.

***

I don’t like JBL but his between match commentary on Dallas’ many sports failures is the highlight of the night. By far.

Match #4
Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes def. Hardcore Holly to win the World Tag Team Championship

DiBiase can’t win a title in his first WWE match ever, can he? We say no. But a viable feud will begin. It would be great if this were a TNA star. Wouldn’t it? DiBiase is now asking for the match to be delayed until his partner arrives in ten minutes.

DiBiase asks to fight Hardcore Holly instead of Cody Rhodes who had appeared in the center of the ring to start the fight. Rhodes then decks Holly proving himself to be DiBiase’s mystery partner. This plot twist was revealed ages ago and isn’t particular interesting. DiBiase pins Holly within a minute of the match’s start bringing the Championship to DiBiase and Rhodes.

Match #3
Triple Threat Match
Mark Henry def. Big Show and Kane to win the ECW Title.

Since Mark Henry is the only one of these three in the ECW, doesn’t that mean that he’s going to win? Just saying. And when he wins how many extra holes are they going to have to add to the belt? Will they have to waterproof it to protect it from the “World’s Strongest Man’s” sweat?

Dallas Cowboy great and Pennsylvania football hero Tony Dorsett is at ringside! Will he jump into the fray like Shawne Merriman did at One Night Stand? It’s doubtful.

Let it be known, I am so uninterested in this match that I’m going to take a break now and eat dinner. There’s something about 400+ pound behemoths that makes me hungry.

Kane and Big Show double choke slam Mark Henry, which looks pretty cool. Then they argue about who can pin the strong one.

Kane’s actually coming with it in this one. He’s jumping off the ropes and proving to be a lot more athletic then he lets on in the weekday shows. Kane suplexes Big Show from the top rope but knocks himself so silly that Mark Henry pins Kane for the ECW title. Who didn’t see this one coming?

Match #2
Matt Hardy def. Chavo Guerrero to retain the United States Championship

They can’t take this belt away from Hardy after they’ve sent him to ECW, can they? I guess this is a good match but, as my I Got the Pay-Per-View Blues post explained, nothing looks good in standard def to me.

These two have brought a good mix of technical wrestling, holds, moves, and high-flying, high-risk maneuvers. Hardy almost pins Chavo with a Side Effect and then lands a flying elbow from the top rope.

Good back and forth. Hardy goes for a high risk finisher but Chavo gets a toe hold submission move on the Hardy Boyz member. Matt touches the rope and then hits a DDT but can’t get the pin. Chavo gets another toe hold submission in but Hardy gets the rope again.

Soonafter Hardy lands a Twist of Fate and pins Chavo. Two titles up, no titles change. Yawn. JR calls the US Championship prestigious. Who is he kidding?

Match #1
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship

It was pretty much guaranteed that this stinker of a title match was going to open the Night of Champions pay-per-view.

FYI, Hornswaggle was able go on every Six Flags of Texas amusement park ride yesterday. (Mick’s joke, not mine.) Hornswaggle tries to escape to the locker room but Miz and Morrison collect him and bring him back.

Then the Irish “father and son” team to some entertaining in-ring teamwork. But that has to be their Gettysburg, their high water mark.

Are we really supposed to accept Hornswaggle as a viable wrestler? Or is beating him up some sort of bullying? This match seems to be asking us to accept both realities as Hornswaggle rotates between scoring moves against the tag team champs and being pitied by the announcers while getting beat up.

The little guy tags Finlay in and the Belfast Brawler wreaks some havoc. Finlay tries to pull off the “toss the dwarf” onto the prone competitor move but Miz and Morrison intervene, toss the dwarf themselves, and pin the poor leprechaun.

Match over. Thank heavens.

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Results

Yesterday I made some bold predictions. Let’s see how I did.

PREDICTIONS:

MATCH #1
Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
my choice: Jeff Hardy
my odds: Umaga 2 to 1 favorite

how did I do: Most predictors around the world wide web had Umaga winning this one but I wasn’t so sure. I thought the anything goes style favored the quick and unpredictable Hardy rather than the brutish plodding force of Umaga. As it turned out I was right. The match seemed more like a Bam Margera video than a wrestling match and spent very little time in the ring itself. The out-of-shape Umaga must have felt winded running all over the San Diego Sports Arena aisles and parking lot.

I’ve been to the Sports Arena before and know that there’s are restaurants directly across the street including Phil’s BBQ and a Red Lobster. It would have been very easy for Umaga to get distracted. I win here.

Running Score: 1 for 1

***

MATCH #2
Singapore Cane Match
Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk
my choice: Big Show
my odds of winning: Big Show EVEN; Morrison 5 to 1; Dreamer 1,000 to 1; Chavo 7 to 1; Punk 5 to 2

how did I do: Even Mrs. Jabandgrapple had this one right. She said “How can any of those little guys beat Big Show? ” I said “Floyd Mayweather, Jr. did at Wrestlemania XXIV.” She laughed and stared back at me as if I was the most gullible idiot in the world.

Let it be known, as soon as I saw Shawn Merriman in the front row I said to her “There’s no way he’s not getting in on this Singapore Cane action tonight.” Why didn’t I live blog that prescient comment? Let’s move on to Match #3.

Running Score: 2 for 2

***

MATCH #3
First Blood Match
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield
my choice: John Cena
my odds: Cena 5 to 2 favorite

how did I do: I am on an official roll now! Three for three baby. Before the match I had a feeling JBL was going to do some down low dirty stuff and pull this one out but I stayed with my heart and went with the jean-shorted one.

Running Score: 3 for 3

***

MATCH #4
“I Quit” Match
Melina vs. Beth Phoenix
my choice: Beth Phoenix
my odds: Phoenix 20 to 1 favorite

how did I do: Like the Singapore Cage match before it, the result of this bout was no mystery. Melina can’t get Phoenix to quit wearing those goofy headband/tiaras or the unflattering outfits so how could she be counted on to make her quit a wrestling match? And really she should, Beth is a lot prettier than she looks on the television. Disagree? Check out her WWE Divas page.

Running Score: 4 for 4

***

MATCH #5
Stretcher Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista
my choice: Shawn Michaels
my odds: Michaels 5 to 2 favorite

how did I do: Here’s where it all went wrong. I foolishly went with the spoilers which said Batista was taking some time off. Just proves that the WWE is just as skillful as the KGB and the CIA with skillfully placed disinformation.

Running Score: 4 for 5. There goes the perfect.

***

MATCH #6
Last Man Standing Match For The WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Randy Orton
my choice: Triple H but I’m really rooting for Orton here.
my odds: HHH 3 to 1 favorite

how did I do: Last night didn’t seem like the best time to give Orton back the title considering his request for a few weeks off to be with his expectant wife. HHH is a boring champ but what can you do. Orton’s confirmed broken collarbone should keep him out long enough for him to joyfully welcome his newborn into the world without the distractions of WWE on-the-road travel. Sometimes good things come from bad situations.

Running Score: 5 for 6

***

MATCH #7
TLC Match For The WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Edge vs. Undertaker
my choice: Undertaker
my odds: Taker 1000 to 1 favorite
how did I do: Absolutely 100% wrong. I didn’t see this coming not one bit. I had read that The Undertaker wanted some time off but was amazed that it happened this way at an Extreme Rules Pay-Per-View. I still can’t see him leaving and it only escalates the La Familia-Undertaker feud which is sadly the best rivalry the WWE has going on at this point.

Running Score: 5 out of 7. Not bad at all.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

My WWE One Night Stand Predictions…The Morning After

MATCH #7
TLC Match For The WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Edge vs. The Undertaker

Result: Edge wins with ample help from La Familia and Taker is gone.
Match Grade: A-. Great match. Can’t believe that Taker lost. How could the WWE’s #1 superstar be leaving?

Commentary: If The Undertaker loses he’s gone from the WWE. So there’s no way he’s losing…right? Edge is coming out and looks scared, which isn’t the right attitude we think.

Question: What’s the chance of Taker using a Gogoplata choke hold on Edge?
Answer: One million percent.

The Undertaker is completely dominant so far. He’s landed two too big boots to the face and did a neat tightrope along the top rope. There are at least a dozen ladders at ringside one of which Taker rams into Edge’s face. The Phenom is stacking four tables on top of each other. Had he instead taken the time to set the ladder up in the ring he would have already won.

Which Edge is doing right now. The Ultimate Opportunist gets to the next-to-last rung before Taker grabs him off. Meanwhile the ladder is propped on top of the ring post. Edge slams Taker’s face into it and then sets up another ladder on the opposite post. This could get ugly.

Edge gets slammed into the opposite ladder and Taker goes for the win. Edge climbs to the top, stops Taker, and is thrown himself into a propped ladder. Edge then rushes into Taker’s ladder, knocks him off and ladders fly in all directions.

There have been a lot of violent powerful blows already. Taker now grabs a chair and continues the beatdown. Taker looks to legdrop Edge but is stymied by a chair to the leg. The Rated R Superstar gets him again on the leg and then, DEAR GOD, lands an uppercut to Taker’s most valuables. THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!

Instead of going for the win Edge gets cocky and wants to inflict more punishment. He does so with a chair. Next up is a table. He lays Taker down on one, and jumps onto him from the announcer’s table. Edge surely will win now. He’s near the top when Taker appears but Edge is wily and body slams the Phenom.

Edge is now getting vicious. He attacks the Undertaker’s knee with a chair, then a ladder, then a ladder and a chair. Edge brings what must be the tallest of the ringside ladders into the ring, lands three chair shots to Undertaker’s head, and gathers another chair for more damage. Taker avoids the blow but looks unable to walk. How will he make it up the ladder?

He doesn’t instead choosing to throw Edge onto ladders propped as if they’re crossing a Mt. Everest crevasse. Taker is halfway up the ladder when the Edgeheads appear. After taking a beating Taker choke tosses them both outside the ring. By this point Edge has regained his strength and is able to stem Taker’s momentum.

Edge is up the ladder and near the belt. He’s got one hand on the belt before Taker appears. He tugs at Edge’s heels and is able to pull him away from glory. Now it’s the Phenom’s turn to get the belt but he’s one-legged and finding the climb difficult.

Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero appear but they’re no match for Taker. He’s climbing again but with his face mere inches from the belt Edge pushes the ladder and Taker careens outside of the ring dropping some 25 feet. Edge is going to win the belt. He does it and The Undertaker is gone from the WWE. How could this be?

Vickie Guerrero walks out on her own accord after the match. The wheelchair gimmick is no more, Edge is champ, and the Undertaker is gone from our lives. Taker is bloddied from the fall adding injury to insult. This is just too much too take. Everyone is silent. Taker walks off sullen, determined, and maybe even a little tearful.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE One Night Stand Live Blog: Undertaker vs. Edge

WWE One Night Stand Pay-Per-View Results and Live Blog

RESULTS

MATCH #6
Last Man Standing Match For The WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Result: Triple H wins with a sledgehammer (yes) hit.
Match Grade: B+. Good match which ended early presumably because of a real injury to Orton. The announcing team is saying a broken collarbone and we have no reason to disagree.

Commentary:
Is this match ever going to start? Finally, after an eternity of intros the bell has rung and HHH gets to work quickly slamming Orton into seemingly everything that surrounds the ring: the gate, the announcer’s table, and of course the steel staircase. So far this match has been very one-sided but Orton brings things closer with a terrific drop kick off the ropes.

His advantage doesn’t last as HHH easily tosses him outside the ring and looks ready to reintroduce Orton to the ECW announcer’s table. It doesn’t happen as Orton painfully DDTs HHH’s face into the ringside floor from on top of the table.

Orton is now lifting the padding from the ringside floor. This is so 1982. Cement exposed but no one is taking advantage of it just yet. They’re back in the ring and Orton begins his predictable stomp-o-rama. Guess what’s in the ring now?

It’s the steel stair steps which Orton lifts over his head and tosses into HHH’s face. Hunter gets up but not before Orton brings an extension cord into the ring! He’s choking the lights out of HHH but just not enough to ensure a submission. Another 8 count. Orton looks to finish him off with an RKO but gets tossed out of the ring and, if he hit the steel stairs, might have hurt himself.

He’s holding his collarbone as if it were broken and it just might be. HHH now has a sledgehammer which he connects with. Orton is done and the medics are out. This injury might be real. As he leaves the ringside Orton snarls at a taunting fan and looks like he’s going to snap. We love him even more.

MATCH #5
Stretcher Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista

Result: Batista wins convincingly.
Match Grade: A-. Really great match between two top-notch professionals. At the end of the match Michaels received a lot of unnecessary punishment and it will be interesting to see what happens between him and Chris Jericho; whether he thanks him for his care and assistance or resents his ridiculous interference.

Commentary:
The spoilers have suggested a winner here. But I won’t do any spoiling myself.

Batista is cleverly utilizing the stretcher to his advantage slamming the HBK into its exposed top. Michaels hit the Animal with a good kick to the head and them dismantles the ring entrance ramp (which is getting a lot of action tonight). HBK then rams Batista with the stretcher. Good thinking Shawn!

Batista lines up the Batista Bomb outside the ring but Michaels is able to get out of it and manages to get the Animal onto the stretcher. Batista seems out and Michaels is nearing the finish line just as the Animal awakes and does some pounding of his own.

I audibly groan as Batista slams HBK’s band into the side of the ring. Batista looks in control and Michaels is reeling. After one shot he seems to do a full 360-degree turn. After a powerful body slam Batista is lining up HBK for the kill but the wily Michaels is able to dodge the juggernaut who tams himself into the ring post.

Michaels is gradually regaining his energy and looks to put his adversary away with a high-flying elbow drop off the top rope. He’s successful but looks to have done some damage to his problematic back.

The Animal has Michaels in what looks to be, heavens no, a Batista Bomb over the top rope. Michaels gets away and Sweet Chin Music’s Batista onto a stretcher. The Animal is out but maintains a grip on the apron. He doesn’t want to lose and rolls himself off the stretcher.

We wonder how many stretchers are at ringside (maybe 5) as Michaels repeatedly rams one into Batista’s stomach. The Animal counters by flipping up the stretcher into Michael’s face. We can’t believe HBK’s lip isn’t bloodied at this point. Batista continues his dominance and is finally able to land a Batista bomb in the center of the ring. Problem is now he has to drag the HBK onto a stretcher. Does Shawn have time to resuscitate? It seems as Chris Jericho intervenes and stops Batista from rolling Michaels out.

As Y2J leaves Batista pulls Michaels into the ring to inflict more punishment. Michaels looks destitute. Heavens to Betsy, another Batista Bomb landed! This has to be it. But Y2J reappears. He’s put himself in between the stretcher and the finish line and is trying to spur Michaels on.

But he seems to be hurting Michaels more than he’s helping him. Batista brings over the steel ring entrance ladder and ruthlessly slams HBK onto it. The Animal lifts Michaels back onto the stretcher and easily wins. Michaels went through a lot of pain in this one.

MATCH #4
“I Quit” Match
Melina vs. Beth Phoenix

Result: Beth Phoenix almost cracks Melina in half and she submits
Match Grade: C-. Just not my cup of tea.

Commentary:
Admittedly I used this women’s match to use the restroom. Now I’m back although I did hear A LOT of screaming from the other room. The Glamazon had Melina in a debilitating back breaker but sadly couldn’t close the deal.

Why must they both scream so much? Please please make them stop. I get it, they’re supposed to be in pain but it’s just so unattractive. Phoenix lands an impressive front face body slam and now has Melina in a hold that really shows off her flexibility. Melina can’t maintain the Phoenix-enforced yoga pose and submits.

MATCH #3
First Blood Match
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield

Result: Cena wins after JBL spits up some “blood”
Match Grade: C. Boring, long, and anti-climatic. Not as bad as their Judgment Day fight but not much better. Let’s hope these two never ever fight again. The fun was a lot too sporadic for my tastes.

Commentary:
We’ve already had blood so we’re about to go 2 for 3 tonight in plasmability. Cena’s already dismantles a turnbuckle. Now they start swinging in the middle of the ring. Knuck if you buck indeed.

They’ve been scrapping outside the ring for a while and this one so far is about as boring as their Judgment Day bout. These two don’t bring out the best in one another. Methinks JBL has a blade in his extra thick knuckle tape tonight.

There’s a whole lot of punching and not a lot of wrestling. JBL Brings out a metal chair and lines up Cena head against the ring post. Luckily John eludes the crushing blow. JBL now has a WWE microphone with which to open up a cut. I think there’s some irony there given JBL’s propensity to talk and talk and talk.

JBL now has the steel ring entrance stairs. Are they going to cause another cut? Not likely. JBL’s not as strong as the Big Show and can’t bear to carry it any further. Cena’s got the mic now but can’t manage to make JBL bleed. His next effort is to rub Bradshaw’s face back and forth against the steel which is quite silly given the steel’s sharp edges. Oh well.

Next up for blood exposure potential is the exposed turnbuckle. Cena hits it heard but his skin is impervious. JBL now has a thick powerful chain and the end timer on this match is thankfully near. Cena gets hit in the stomach with the chain and JR aptly wonders if John has some internal bleeding. How would the ref ever know?

Now Cena’s tied up in the ropes and in some serious danger. JBL’s got an Indiana Jones bullwhip. Uh oh. One crack of that and its over. Cena gets out of the ropes, grabs the chain and proceeds to choke JBL assassin style. Bradshaw spits up some blood and it’s over. That was obviously a blood capsule and sort of a let down given last match’s Type O gushing.

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE One Night Stand Pay-Per-View Results and Live Blog

The madness begins!

MATCH #1
Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
Result: Hardy wins by pin in a crazy match.
Match Grade: B. Entertaining but a little too weird for my tastes. Why couldn’t they have been in the arena? Was it filmed before?

Commentary:
They’re fighting in the aisles! At one point Jeff Hardy rail slides down the arena’s guard rail and pounds Umaga when he reaches the bottom. Why aren’t people leaving their seats? No one is working harder then the referee trying to follow them They are now in the parking lot. Jeff Hardy is being slammed into everything metal including tractor trailers!

Umaga is draped in yellow tape. Hardy looks like the Green Goblin. Hardy is now climbing on top of a Shawn Michaels billboard/truck but Umaga is on his heels.

Hardy kicks him off and then does a Swanton Bomb from an absurd height, something like 40 feet off the billboard/truck. The view is obscured so hopefully Jeff jumped onto a mat, stunt man style.

When he goes for the pin the camera swings back. Umaga is knocked cold and Hardy easily pins him before the medics are called. If there was no safety mat then the EMTs might need called in. Seriously.

Image details: Warning Sticks served by picapp.com

MATCH #2
Singapore Cane Match
Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk

Result: Big Show pins Tommy Dreamer
Match Grade: B+. Entertaining if not confusing and almost too action filled. Big Show might have been totally dominant but we all knew that was coming. Nevertheless this match had an elite pro footballer who definitely looked game and plenty of blood. BTW Shawne Merriman, you could have a lucrative post-football career in the WWE.

Commentary:
With six competitors, the intro to this match is taking forever. It’s a free for all already with Big Show taking control in the center.

Oh my the four Singapore canes are now in play and they’re ganging up on the Big Show. Chavo Guerrero makes a mistake and hits San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman with the cane. Merriman is angry and demanding the cane to do some damage.

He clocks Chavo something good. Action Action Action! The Miz enters the area and Big Show threatens to hit him with the ring’s entrance stage. Morrison saves his partner at the last minute but in the effort Big Show drops the steel stage on his head and opens up a huge gash. Blood blood blood.

Big Show goes loco on Bam Neely pulling cane after cane out of the cane depository which seems to be a metal trash can. Of course. He’s now brought the entire garbage can into the ring and seems overcome by violence.

Our suggestion to the unfortunate five: get out of the blooded Big Show’s way! And they have leaving Tommy Dreamer alone. Big Show pins him, wipes some blood over his face, and smiles triumphantly.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE One Night Stand Live Blog: Hardy, Umaga, and the Singapore Cane

Here they are. Let’s see how I do:

PREDICTIONS:
TLC Match For The WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Edge vs. Undertaker
my choice: Undertaker
my odds: Taker 1000 to 1 favorite

Last Man Standing Match For The WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Randy Orton
my choice: Triple H but I’m really rooting for Orton here.
my odds: HHH 3 to 1 favorite

First Blood Match
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield
my choice: John Cena
my odds: Cena 5 to 2 favorite

Stretcher Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista
my choice: Shawn Michaels
my odds: Michaels 5 to 2 favorite

Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
my choice: Jeff Hardy
my odds: Umaga 2 to 1 favorite

Singapore Cane Match
Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk
my choice: Big Show
my odds of winning: Big Show EVEN; Morrison 5 to 1; Dreamer 1,000 to 1; Chavo 7 to 1; Punk 5 to 2

“I Quit” Match
Melina vs. Beth Phoenix
my choice: Beth Phoenix
my odds: Phoenix 20 to 1 favorite

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE One Night Stand Predictions: The Morning Before